Carnal Pleasures and the Mastery of Desire

How do you tell between illusion-based desires and those, well, that are more well-intentioned and serve the light within?

This is a head trip you can easily get lost in and your ego is going to be out there to get you time and time again, but as blade dancers, you can’t just go all raw or all celibate or all whatever to eliminate your addiction. Right? Krishnamurti already said this. I’ll get to the point. I promise. You might want to do this for a time, so that you remember how if feels to be without it, and how your brain and chemistry work outside of the addiction and withdrawal, but hey man, not everything that brings pleasure is evil. That’s why we’re here in these broke down bodies on this planet that is experiencing a biospheric meltdown right? We’re not suffering for our health, I mean, maybe you are, but I did not volunteer for this mission and I’m still a hedonist at heart. Since, we’re supposed to be living through our hearts right now, always were supposed to be. That’s why everything is all broke down. Our hearts have been broken.

Well, anyway. The fashionista inside me is coming back to life. Most times I am practical because I know I am going to be sweating balls or climbing over deadfall or what have you. But really, if I’m staying in all day or just driving to the store why not do my hair and make-up and actually think about what I am wearing? So in part this may have been spurned by the increasingly raw diet because I feel more glow-ey and more like LOOK AT ME (stupid ego! but there you go). I feel less like a ghost to the world and more like myself. Not that I didn’t feel like myself before, I just felt invisible to the world at large, but thank God that pieces of reality have finally come into harmonization with my vibration. Now that I know other people can see me I feel like then I really want to play around with what my outside casing looks like because inside I feel very creative and playful and fashion and cuisine is where my heart is having that come out right now. It’s sort of weird, because it normally comes out through music, art, or poetry but there’s the whole dissatisfaction with music at the moment.

I want MAC eyeshadows and brushes, cute sandals, some freaking clothes that I haven’t already owned for the last 8 years, nice clothes, not the shit you find at regular stores now a days. If anyone knows of any amazon fashionistas recently passing, I’m a classic 14 to 16. Dead peoples’ clothes are the best. lol. That’s the other thing about new clothes. They don’t fit right. There’s like all this room for stomach pouches, that used to be in plus sizes or half sizes. Misses, please. I have curves, but I am not a heifer. Juniors and girls sizes do not have room for boobs or shoulders or hips. And actually that’s getting bad too. I get something big enough for my shoulders and rib cage and there’s all this extra in the tummy area. But I have this vintage dress, that other the the sleeves being a little too short, is slammin’. Okay, I’m done. I think I am going to start buying new clothes at Victoria’s Secret because they are the same price as Target or Macy’s, better quality, and haven’t gone all vanity sized.

I did fall asleep listening to Miles Davis on the turntable last night. That was fabulous.

I did drink last night.

I did pick up a copy of Crosby, Stills, and Nash’s first album on vinyl. It is so freaking beautiful. It brought me to tears. Hey, if I can manifest an analog copy of “Judy Blue Eyes”, and a way to play it, I think I can manifest whatever I desire that is in harmony with the universe. Listening to this album I have loved forever the way it was intended to be heard was a truly, truly amazing experience. Indescribable.

So while I can still enjoy the old music. I am hearing a new sound that I haven’t got the resources to commit to bringing out of my head, and apparently, no one else is there yet, or they are in the same boat I am in.

Oh, and really, I want a mixer and a set of turntables because I am hearing Aretha Franklin disco house after listening to Love All the Hurt Away last night.

I did come across this mix that is pretty nice.

The dehydration is going okay so far, even though I was in the kitchen forever yesterday. The crackers are still moist and really crumbly, so I definitely want to try the chia seed thing next time, but they smell really good and I want to eat them right now!

I also was thinking, all of the above, this is why I can’t watch movies or read fiction anymore. Drama-free reality and the playful expression of my being through my high-heart is so fucking awesome why, oh why, oh why would I ever want to live through anyone else working out their archetypal dramas or intentionally creating illusion because they forgot or have yet to learn how to be? Nope. I am going to spend hours playing with my hair and make-up, playing in the kitchen, playing with jig saw puzzles, playing records, playing on YouTube… because I am embodying happiness. I cannot be distracted and I do not need to be entertained or brainwashed.

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In the Kitchen, Wacky Raw Cracky

I’ve only been up for just over an hour. I did two sets of sun salutations and made the bed. The rest of the time has been in the kitchen. So far I’ve only made coffee and strawberry smoothie.

I am thinking today is the big day to get the dehydrator going for pulp cracker manifestation. I am asking/praying for guidance. I am feeling that I should puree all my left over garlic and an onion or two. Part of me still wants to hot box trays or something. I think it would go faster, and somehow the sun power would make the end result better. If it were winter, I would probably use the oven.

Some of the raw foodies say over 105 is too hot. A hot box or solar dehydrator would surely get warmer than that on a day like today. My feeling is that as long as it’s not pasteurized (160 degrees), it’s good. I still eat cooked foods. I just don’t want to eat overcooked foods or foods with preservatives.

I’m also thinking about making bread today because I am really, really hungry. I all ready ate 2 plums, a carrot, and all the squash from my farm box yesterday for dinner. I just drank the last of my strawberries. Seriously, is anything as yummy as strawberry puree with a hint of lime? What a sumer food!

I liked this video for pulp cracker manifestation. I have one of those crazy old school circular jobs though, so making a template and cutting parchment paper is going to be a challenge.

It’s already 9, so I don’t think I will manage the farmers’ market today. I understand it’s really hot and all, but some people just can’t move before noon.

Jeremy took the extra coffee grinder to Likely, so I could grind flax seed, but grinding it in the dedicated coffee grinder is kind of gross.

Adventures in “Transition” Foods

A timeline…

  • 1994 – People think I’m a vegetarian because they never see me eat meat. That’s just because I wasn’t really big on processed meat. You could sure find me eating steak or chicken now and then at home.
  • 1995 – “Mom, you don’t cook with love. What’s this food out of a box? Only cereal should come in boxes.”
  • 2003 – Started getting free range eggs and quit eating chicken due to the fish-like smell of factory chicken. Tried organic jam and thought it was the slam.
  • 2006 – Starting cutting out HFC, as much a possible. I have yet to find an acceptable substitute for chocolate syrup. I tried one sweetened with cane juice, and it didn’t have the right texture.
  • 2007 – Tried to get organic as much as I could afford to. Organic milk started to have a noticeably better taste. Began eating smooties for breakfast almost everyday.
  • 2008 – Was too poor for fruit smoothies. Had to switch to banana and peanut butter.
  • 2009 – Got really big on the “grow your own”, farmers’ markets, and CSAs. Moved to California. Experienced phenomenal improvement in health. Weened myself off of all prescription medication. Discover Lara bars. Who knew I could eat dates?
  • 2010 – Brief stint in Kentucky. Health seemed to deteriorate. More determined than ever to only eat whole, organic foods I prepared myself. Return to California and vow to never go back east of the Mississippi, well, maybe to visit, maybe.
  • 2011 – Join CSA. Save bundles on food. Acne clears up, mostly. Discover almond milk as a way yummier non-GMO alternative to soy milk. Zakary’s raw February inspires me.

Okay, so I finally finally got a juicer. I think I wanted one before Zakary did his raw food adventure, but I thought, “It’s too expensive… It’s too messy… I’m too lazy….” But after joining the CSA I just had loads and loads of produce, especially apples and carrots. I’ve only juiced 4 days so far, but I think I’m like addicted.

So then Zakary posts this video one of his friends made and I am like, “Damn! I need a dehydrator!” I wanted to make a solar one for the balcony, but I am waiting to get the book from the library. No sense buying it. I’m still poor…. still need clothes and cavities filled, so….

Now I just got a Ronco 1993 model 187-04 dehydrator.

But okay, the vegan carrot cookies were good. Soup I tried to make with the carrot, celery, broccoli pulp, eh…. Using the apple and plum pulp in my smoothie as a banana substitute gets a thumbs up.

Jeremy likes juicing too, and we want to get a higher end one so we can juice leaves.

I also got a food chopper. I was misinformed that it was a processor, so I dunno, I like my knife for chopping and mincing. But you can’t make Lara bars or crackers that way, which is why I wanted one, because you also can’t do that in a blender.

So the rest of my little soul family has been on my mind so much the past couple of days. I am thinking about picking up the phone and calling them both. Even though I haven’t in  over two years. Even though I feel stupid because I know they love me and I don’t want to be a distraction to them, or sidetrack myself. But I miss them so much and I feel so compelled to remind them in the “real world” how much I love them. I feel like I need some kind of affirmation or approval. I mean, really this morning, it’s like every single memory I ever had of Emily flooded me. If I am feeling so fragile and raked over the coals right now, how must she feel? Because I feel she embodies a lot more feminine energy than I do.

Or just, like a year ago, I remember how much I wanted this unity consciousness, but now I feel like I am in a tumbler. I feel like I am feeling their feelings and I know they are feeling mine and there is no privacy and I feel so very very uncomfortable around other people. When I am transparent, I feel misunderstood or at least only partially understood by other people and then, on top of that I feel like they’re not ready to be transparent to the people I interact with here.

Two years ago “transmutation” was the buzz word, but now I feel like I am above that frequency, or beyond it, not above. I mostly exist in another world. Time has become almost completely meaningless this week. I would not be surprised at all if next week I just end up walking in the forest and end up finally getting home. What will that look like to 3-D?

Jeremy transmutates and translates for me in the real world and I am lucky enough to work with high vibrational people, so that if I focus really, really hard, we can communicate and work as a team.

Also, even though I never had much control over what was going to happen, I had a pretty good idea of what was happening and what was going to happen. With this dissolution of time, I have much more control (hello juicer, dehydrator, and chopper!) but absolutely no freaking clue when or how anything will manifest. Guess I don’t know myself as well as I should, and maybe this is my need to talk to Adam and Emily is because they know me, strange as that may seem.

I almost made a much longer loop today and was thinking about Mt. Shasta and McCloud (and Etna and Eureka and Willow Creek) because I want to talk to Zak too. I just want some face time with someone who gets it and gets me.  I left Weaverville (bonus medicinal plant workshop with Ted Dawson this afternoon) with the intention of letting Spirit guide my adventure. I ended up taking some crazy county route dirt road to French Gulch. I love how I can disappear into the forest with less than an hours’ drive. I can be completely alone in nature, with break-taking vistas before me. It’s so awesome! It’s the vastness and solitude that amazes me.

Hang on for night 4. I seem to be doing better during the “nights” of Carl Calleman’s 9th wave Mayan calendar. It’s like so far the days have just blasted me and then during the nights I can process it a little, maybe. Pretty much, I think I lost my mind some time ago.

So… now I’m back to the mattress manifestation (and single family home and kitties and garden and living in Dunsmuir).

(I may be back to edit this later. I’m not sure if it makes any sense.)