Thanks Mom!

I guess it takes a guest sermon for my mom to get with the program.

She mentioned the soybean study tonight.

I had an adventure in Harney County last week.

Now I am dehydrated, trying to flush all the processed food I ate this week (perfect time for the toilet to be leaking… I wonder if dumping water into the toilet might work, since it’s leaking from the bottom of the tank), trying to wash and scrub away the ground in dust and sweat crust and struggling with moon time pains. Exhausted and have to be out the door in 9 and a half hours! So more on this later.

Advertisements

Life+Gear Glow Stickies

Dude, I am so ready for the three days of darkness.

Glow Sticks!

Well, seriously, who knows if these will be within my reach when the time comes, but I got a pink and a blue one for my trip to Steen’s Mountain, because my Mag Light took a crap on me when I was putting in fresh batteries. These appear less sturdy, but are lighter and have an emergency whistle. Plus, I imagine playing crazy light/laser tag in the forest at night with these. You look for the pink light and chase it. hehehe.

Refreshed

After 9+ hours of sleep, with the bed to myself, I feel much better.

?

I am so hungry and so tired, to an incomprehensible degree on both counts.

Whiner

I know I shouldn’t be a whiner, that it doesn’t really do much good, but we only have 2,000 signatures. Our goal is 9,000, and we only have until September 3rd! I guess I will have to go canvas, and that will kill me. I can’t stand all the apathy and hate. I doubt that very many people in my neighborhood are registered to vote or even give a fuck about food. The amount of people not registered to vote, who do not care to vote is really appalling, but then it’s still in my collective memory of how my great-grandmothers weren’t even afforded that privilege or responsibility. I guess no one wants to be responsible for anything (including me). I am so fucking tired and I have to clean up the mess of my parents’ generation and I’m just a little bitter this morning.

There is no way, no how, that anyone, ever, is going to convince me that money is not evil. Mr. X, and lots of other people say it is only the love of money which is evil. Nope, sorry, money has to go. Bye-to-the-mother-fucking-bye. Peace out, it was a bitch to know you. All of everyone’s problems began with money. It allows for the false accumulation of wealth and is just utterly ridiculous.

I had this really cool dream, from which I was of course awoken, by neighbors, screaming about money enslavement issues. I think I ought to make it a requirement that no low-vibe people can stay in or visit this building. Being woken up in the middle of the night over a $45 down payment… Seriously? Fuck money. Fuck it!

Anyway, I dreamed that I had gotten some schrooms, but like at a store, like from Trader Joes. They were sold just like dried fruit, in the little plastic Ziploc-type bags. I’m in this urban basement with a large flat screen T.V. and people are watching something like the newer live-action Peter Pan, but not that, just like it. One dude says these schrooms are awesome and I will be seeing lights jump off the ceiling, that they are a really visual trip. Somehow Jubal is there and he agrees to be my trip-sitter/guide and take them with me, but he wanders off with some other folks about a half hour into it. I remember looking in a mirror and my pupils are huge, round and black. Looking into the mirror was like a portal or crystal ball. I could see Emily looking back at me. Then I was like, “ugh! Jubal, I might not be hallucinating, but this is a profoundly shamanistic experience. How am I supposed to get back to my car, drive, or be out in public with saucer eyes?” I started exploring this labyrinth of underground urban area, and then the fucking neighbor wakes me up. Well, I have never before schroomed in a dream, and it was pretty fucking rad. I also felt a profound love for my star siblings.

I don’t know how we will ever make it. I am so tired! So tired! So disgusted! When do I get to be a woman and not a warrior? Shouldn’t I care about protecting our open space? Why do only such a small percentage of people care?!? It’s really important!

But I am very, very glad that Mr. X is home and has two days off.

I think I am taking a bath this morning even though I need to wash my hair. I also need to soak and sweat.

We’re having October weather already. I heard geese down by the creek this morning.

Twin

So I ended up having to pay an extra $60 to get all the electrical work straightened out, but the potentially good news is that there is a car with a burnt out motor sitting at the mechanics’ about to be salvaged to the state, same make, model, year, and color as mine from which to salvage parts. My trunk latch is still broken, but for only twice as much as I would pay to fix my trunk latch, we are going to try to replace my entire trunk, both bumpers, the passenger side head light, the interior dome light, the radio antenna, the hubcap covers, and possibly the front fenders and passenger side tail light. Pretty awesome.

Plus, my dad says he is sending me $250 to help with repairs.

Look Guys…

We are not doing this…… not….. not…. not….

Along with my practice of eliminating negation, because I’ve come to understand negation doesn’t work, but it is like this omnipresent force.

My parents are so negative, pessimistic,  and unsupportive. It’s really hard for me to believe that they wanted me. I have so much extra work to do and extra emotional drain because I don’t have the support of my parents and I was raised by emotional retards. Is it any wonder I turned out crazy? I very much doubt I will ever see any of my family again.

I am contemplating life without vehicular transportation. It makes me want to cry. If no one had cars, I might enjoy riding my bike. If I sell my car, I might be able to afford a skate board. I asked for this, probably, but dealing with it sucks. It just sucks.

I dreamed about the Gulf of Mexico. Jeremy was with me. There was a geologist taking some other people on a tour of tidal pools or something. Jeremy stayed on the shore and was taking pictures of me. I decided to wade in, but didn’t want to take my shoes off, so I just let them get wet. Then the tide started coming in and the waves were getting bigger and I was afraid to go any deeper, that the waves or rip tide would take me away. Maybe this dream indicates that I feel that Jeremy wants me to focus on handling my emotions. Tide coming in, in a dream represents increasing emotional energy. To be on the beach going into the ocean, but looking back towards the beach as the waters get rough and the tide comes in is all about the blade dance and mastering the space between mind and matter, where heart and soul meet. The geologist and tour group could mean that I’m letting rationality and objectivity wander away from me to be with my emotions and to be in the liminal state at the boundary’s edge. A really beautiful dream.

In a way I feel I have quarantined myself. I feel like I could be the rip tide to anyone I perceive as carrying more light than me, or struggling through life, but honestly and genuinely. I see myself as a distraction to others, just as I perceive certain other people to be a distraction to me. I never had a family with love. I tried to adopt a tribe to fill in the void and lack of love that should have come from my family. Then the world rips away my tribe blah blah blah

So I have to go back back back to a core foundation. Right now my really most important thing in my life is this relationship with Jeremy. Dunsmuir was like the crucible of personal salvation and rehab from the horrors Milwaukee laid upon me, but now it’s like if I am ever going to get through to what I really want, it’s going to be through this relationship. It’s really weird because it’s truly the interdependence for which I have strived, with a conscious awareness of need and appreciation.

I want to go beyond love…

Saving Farmland and Open Space

Before I went to bed last night I saw that Mary had emailed me back about the Churn Creek Bottom issue. I collected approximately 40 signatures today and registered to vote in Shasta County finally. It was not so bad, because it was at the farmers’ market and everyone is against building another stupid strip mall. I am going to try to get everyone at work to sign the referendum and the initiative.

I’m proud of all that, but I’m disappointed I didn’t have the energy or courage to go canvas my neighborhood.

I really dislike political activism. I think politics really need to go the way of money, but what would happen if no one did anything and we just let some stupid motherfuckers pave over our farmland? It would be like back east, and it would suck. It does make it easier when everyone is on board with you, so I didn’t really feel like I had to “sell” anything, but our representatives of course no longer represent their constituents, so…

I was pretty much on my feet from 6:45 a.m. to 2 p.m. today. My feet and calves were swollen and achy. I managed to fold two loads of laundry and read some Robert Johnson books that Jeremy has been harassing me about, but I took a nap, and didn’t accomplish much else. I’ve been a little restless since my nap, but no real energy, and still completely unable to be distracted. I just laid looking at the sunlight on the live oaks and gray pine for awhile. The light has an October hue to it. It’s been pretty strange since the CMEs, or since Thursday evening in any case.

I hope that Jeremy comes home tomorrow. It’s been a rough week and my sorrows need comforting.

What I Have Accomplished in 40 Weeks in Redding and My Wish List to the Abundant Universe

The Material Comforts

  • replaced glasses
  • replaced sunglasses
  • replaced boots (I’m still not sure about these and probably still want to get smokejumpers for in the mountains, but in any case, a marked improvement of the worn-out Danners)
  • gotten my teeth cleaned
  • gotten one cavity filled
  • gotten a new purse/shoulder bag
  • gotten 4 new bras
  • gotten a record player and a crate of records
  • Live in a place with a gas stove!!!!!!!!!
  • Live in a place with a dishwasher!!!!!!!
  • Live in a place with a garbage disposal
  • replaced snow board bindings
  • got waterproof gloves for snow sports
  • got snow goggles
  • got one new pair of jeans
  • 2 pairs of dressier shoes
  • replaced some make-up
  • replaced bike helmet and biking gloves

Material Comforts Still Needed

  • 5 more cavities to get filled
  • truck
  • bike rack
  • clothes
  • compost pile/bin
  • yard
  • dance studio
  • some sort of sound design equipment to mix and record
  • smokejumpers for intense mountain hiking
  • better waterproof gloves for snowsports
  • helmet for snowsports
  • better snow goggles that don’t fog up (the ones I have would be fine in Colorado or Wisconsin, when it’s actually cold they’re okay)
  • make car be nice
  • juicers that does greens
  • Kitchen aide
  • professional grade blender
  • build solar dehydrator
  • freaking mattress for real (but we need another bedroom so I have somewhere to put my replacement bed)
  • Bivy sack for backpacking trips
  • new/different mountain bike with a larger frame

The Sweeter Things in Life

  • Jeremy
  • permanent type job
  • CSA
  • outdoor recreating buddies/meetup group

Sweet Things Still Working On

  • kitties two bengel kitty sisters, cinnamon
  • babies
  • house – so I can have my own washer and dryer again
  • farm oooh oooh with a peach orchard – I know almost nothing about growing peaches, but… I want to
  • self-sufficiency
  • recording studio
  • art studio with proper lighting (this is going to be damn near impossible to do here based on the architecture in the area – I will probably have to design and built my own loft)
  • Ice rink for figure skating
  • Sisikiyou, I miss you!

Solar Flare Induced Menstrual Cramps?

HOLY FUCKING MENSTRUAL CRAMPS!!!

Awoken at 4 in the morning by pain. Less than 4 hours of sleep and already taken 2 of the 3 allowable Aleve for the next 22 hours, drinking red raspberry leaf extract, pooping, sweating, and trying to not… what? It’s not like you can pass out from the pain. I wish. I’m tired. Hope today doesn’t suck as bad as these cramps.

Update 7:42 a.m. Much better. Let’s see if I have 12 more hours of energy left. See, sweats really do work.

« Older entries