My Heart’s Desires – ala Sacha Sterling

1. Different (better) job

2. Employer provided health insurance (no extra charge for tobacco, spouse or dependents all included, low-deductible, low co-pay)

3. DEBT  FREE

4. high clearance 4 wheel drive vehicle

5. blood orange tree

6. more raised beds

7. kitty kat (s) – Ragdoll from Auburn breeder, sisters from same litter

8. drip irrigation system

9. Vitamix

10. Kio pond and/or swimming pool

11. teletransporter

12. a bikini top in G+ cup size that folds down small for backpacking

13. Solar dehydrator

14. Spiralizer

15. And while we’re asking, how about a week at Heavenly of private snowboard instruction?

16. Mossbrae music festival 2013?

17. more backpacking trips: Trinity Alps, Marble Mountains, Russian Wilderness, Yolla Bollas, Warners

18. local ice ring and figure skating lessons

19. a life straw

20. one of those in line filter thingies

21. a bigger pack

22. toe socks, for hiking

23. two hens?

24. an upright tiger oak piano

25. more and taller tomato cages for next year

26. snowboard wax and tune

27. ski wax and tune

28. Scott Valley bluegrass festival 2014?

Observations:

  • There’s not a lot a desire right now beyond a job that is satisfying.
  • I believe I deserve all these things.
  • I believe the landscaping things are possible, but probably won’t happen for 6 months to a year from now.
  • Pool and koi pond could be decades off. I’m not sure we have room for both. I might want the space more to grow food. Living close to Whiskeytown and having a kiddie pool is a nice compromise.
  • I think I only want 1 through 3 at a 10. I give them a probability factor of less then 6 in the current reality. Some of the things I want less are more probably and I will get them sooner.
  • The Vitamix is a few months out I think. I really want it to make soup with. I am going to have a butt load of winter squash.
  • A solar dehydrator is in the realm of possibility.
  • This all makes me think I am definitely heading more and more to the 80-10-10 raw vegan world. Mr. X even ordered vegetarian pizza last time he got pizza for us. I’ve done pretty well committing to be a vegetarian for the last 6 weeks. It’s not important to label myself that way, I just don’t think I need to eat meat right now, and when and if I do feel I need to eat meat again, I’d like to know where it came from. I find it hard to resist temptation while backpacking (but I figure it’s like a condiment and I probably need it then), when Mr. X cooks for me, and in social situations in which there is meat. I try to avoid social situations where I know there will be food I don’t typically eat and I try to bring raw fruit (or veggies) to share as much as possible.
  • I could put more bucket-list/travel type stuff on here, but given that I turned down my best opportunity so far to go to Sequoia National Park, something I wanted to do since I was 3 or 4 years olde, to come home to Mr. X because that’s what I wanted to do more.  I guess my relationship and home life takes precedence over most bucket list type things.
  • Backpacking and more ways to prepare raw foods seem pretty important.
  • Yeah I should just go to the bluegrass festival. Who the fuck cares that I was thinking of doing other, less expensive things with other people this weekend?
  • I should stop swearing so much, but it just feels good, you know?

And the Earth Goes Pop!

Today, the weather station at the airport recorded a temperature of 86 at 2:53 p.m. I went outside and recorded the temperature on the southern exposure of our house at 65.5 degrees sometime after 4, but before 5. It seems like I have been having to cover my plants and scrape frost on a daily basis for quite sometime. My plants probably cannot take many more hard freezes. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday it was warm enough in the afternoon to drive around with my sun roof open. Thursday I actually was uncomfortably warm. We’ve been having 50 degree temperature swings throughout the day. This happens sometimes in the fall when it gets dry, especially at higher elevations, but we’ve had days this last week down in the valley where we’ve come close to breaking both the record low and the record high in the same day. Yesterday I did some yard work. The area along the western side of the house was frozen solid until about 10 a.m., yet the high yesterday afternoon was supposedly 81. What the heck!?!

I’ve been thinking about the new earth thing. Ascension 2.0, whatever you want to call it, and here are some of my observations as we move into 2013. Things were crazy, at least seemingly preternatural or paranormal for me the most in 2010. Magickal happenings were a daily occurrence. There were apparent UFOs, time moving backward, light bubbles, humming sounds, unexplained power outages – pretty delusional type things I was convinced were my reality. Now I feel like I’ve “settled” or I’m “coasting”. Those really weird things aren’t happening, or they’re logically explainable somehow. I no longer feel like I’m searching, or that I have this pressure to communicate or create in order to “get it out.”

Yet, I’m also not very hopeful (or very fearful) about what the future on Earth will bring. I’d give my all to go home. I realize all the very stupid, stupid things I’ve done in the last 15 to 18 years. I realize to any normal person, I was completely off my rocker and insane during that time period, but there’s not the yearning anymore.

I actually sat down at the drafting table for the first time since we’ve moved today to work on some maps. Then I realized the GIS guy had transposed the labels, so I gave up. Now that I have the waypoints, I may just give up and do the maps the old fashioned way by photocoying the quad map and drawing on it.  The scale for the sketch maps is 1 inch = 500 feet which is too big for the size of the sites in my opinion, but it’s better than nothing, IMHO. It would take a lot of effort to go back out and do pace and compass maps, almost as much as trying to get a new computer and ESRI up and running at home.

I’ve been having bad dreams every night. Not nightmares, but the kind where you wake up and you’re disturbed and tense. I dislocated my C1 and C2 vertebrae last Friday morning. OUCH! And dislocated my shoulder on Christmas Eve. I can only assume these incidences were from bad dreams. I seemed to have gotten over the whiplash in about 18 days, so not sure how I could be okay for a month and then WHAMMY!

I pretty much wake up stiff and achy every morning. It’s not that unusual, but I haven’t been training hard or really pushing myself. Now it’s like if I go without the calcium magnesium and epsom soak, even if I haven’t had an epic adventure day or bust my ass at work day, I am sore and sorry. I would expect this at 73, not at 33.

I am more sensitive than ever to injustice, but in a way that doesn’t affect me so much emotionally. I’m just aware of it and in shock. It’s miraculous to me that anyone is able to keep their home and put food on the table.

I started putting together my tax stuff today and I actually made slightly more in 2012 than in 2011. It sure doesn’t feel like it though. My checking account seems to have been running on fumes constantly since labor day. There were no, hmmm “I have a little extra, I should get some clothes that aren’t stained, holey, and threadbare” or “let’s stock up for Armagedon” shopping trips in 2012. No, more like, “hmmm, let’s see if I can make it to Poterville and back on bald tires” or “let’s see if I can do 5 days of survey in the Southern Sierra with 3 year-old socks”.

I really feel like I am coasting now. Waiting is not quite the right word. Stuck is not quite the right word. It’s coasting. Everyday I’m amazed that I have a warm, dry place to sleep, hot running water, a flushing toilet, a not-yet empty gas tank, a functional refrigerator, and food to eat (even nutrient-rich, organic food to eat). Yet I am saddened to a degree each morning that I’ve awoken to face yet another day in an impossible, irrational, unjust world.

And I want more. I want physical intimacy. I want a compost and a clothesline, cats, a child of my own… I want my godson with his father or his aunt and uncle, not with his mother and step-father. I want a piano.

I feel like time is crushing me. Time speeds by, SNAP. Hours are seconds and days are hours. Months are weeks. Years are hardly seasons. SWISH! ZOOM! SNAP! POP! Just the anxiety of time crushing me makes my heart race, pushes my frustration tolerance to the limit.

Slow down! We’re too fast! Let me ride!

Yet I am still here. I remain. I persist. I swoon. I fall. I swallow. I suffer. I ache. I am awed. I hold back tears. I cry. I lose loved ones. I wonder and wonder how the past could have been the way it was. Yet still, I go on, and on, and on.

Quiet

It’s been quiet, or at least I have not felt the compulsion to write. I’ve been busy trying to get up to speed on the prehistory of NorCal.

One thing I have been noticing and it’s become blatantly obvious to me is that I can tell when other humans try to draw me into conflict or act antagonistically towards me. Jeremy says it’s like a drug. Of course my little shitty toddler ego still gets wounded easily, but I’ve been telling that toddler they are in TIME OUT. When people invite in these dark demons and try to draw me into it, I walk away. Maybe I am pissed and have to put the inner child into time out. Maybe I have pity in my heart for those blinded by the dark or those still requiring a story to cling to, those seeking power, those yearning for a sense of belonging. But right, we are getting ready for the UNIVERSAL underworld and nations, peak oil, star councils…. so OVER IT. I am back to the pure harmony of my home, even life on earth pre-industrial revolution were you lucky enough to live in a…. “proper civilization” or to not be a mistreated slave.

Now sorry if many of you didn’t get on the galactic wave and work through your galactic garbage.

Sorry if many of you did not finish playing out your archetypal dramas.

I however, am done, so done.

Anyhow, it’s interesting to see how Jeremy perceives these ‘demons’ as a chemical cocktail or drug. I am beginning to sense them with some kind of untranslatable dimensional awareness. I laugh at them. “BE GONE!” There is a knowing that their food/energy/power source is disappearing. I laugh harder, longer. “You are not sucking me dry to survive a few moments longer. Go now. Shoo!”

Because I have beautiful star-flower-heart mandalas to give to you. Right, remember how the mandalas were the ‘keys’? The ‘keys to emergence’? I understand how they work now. I don’t know how to teach anyone, but I can do it! And I can sense places where I have shifted the ley lines and the people I love associated with certain nodes. It’s not heart breaking anymore. It’s part of a gateway.

However, this place here is becoming an intricate network of SHOOM! The supra-node. The vortex? It’s pretty awesome. So very glad to be here, so very-very-very glad.

The Importance of Food

What I noticed almost immediately was the amount of growing food and small gardens – everywhere. Even in between city apartment blocks there were green patches of gardens and plastic tunnels where food was being grown side by side with modern urban lifestyles.

The Italians have a love affair with food. Their particular Mediterranean climate, and their passion as individuals has produced a culture based deeply in emotional and sensual experience. It is a culture that celebrates its antiquity through its history, but its connection to the present moment through the celebration of food, family and community. And, the food itself is a celebration of the elements that create it, the sunshine, good soil and water and wind.

In Italy, it is almost impossible to have a “bad” meal. The food is fresh, tasty and well prepared because this is a point of honor with Italians. It is served with love and passion, music and conversation and good wine, and it takes time. Yes….La Dolce Vita. No fast foods, processed foods or artificial foods. And the Italians are proud of their cooking skills. I was touched at the seminar event that I held in Sorrento, when a lovely lady called Guiliana who worked at the center, baked a lovely fresh “Caprese” chocolate cake for the birthday of one of the participants. It was hot out of the oven and baked to perfection, and tasted wonderful. It was elegant and simple, not overdone, no icing and no “goo”, just the pure fresh ingredients and love and skill. What a birthday surprise for all of us !

After my time in Italy, I travelled onwards and expereienced much food that was the complete antithesis of this – heavy, processed, greasy, tasteless, artifical, fast and awful. So the difference between eating in the old energy and eating in the New Reality became clearer to me.

…it seems to me, with my new perceptions and the new energies, that humans were designed to eat. We have teeth and a digestive system perfectly designed to process food. But, it also seems to me that it is not so much what we choose to eat that is the issue, but how that food is produced and or raised and how it gets to our tables and into our meals!… It is only the “disconnection” of the old energy that allows people to make absolutely no connection between the food on their plates and the suffering that produces that food. And, if you are aware and conscious, can you continue to eat in that way? Can you celebrate food that is filled with suffering and pain?

I think that this way of eating and living has been a result of the “disconnection” of humans from the land that supports and nourishes them. Before the industrialization and mechanization of society, people had a much larger role in the growing and preparation of their own food. In my grandparent’s childhood, every home had fruit trees and a vegetable garden. Sometimes there were chickens, kept for eggs and food. If you did not have your own chickens you could buy a live chicken from the street merchents. Sunday’s family Roast Chicken was slaughtered, plucked and cooked by the housewife herself. There was an understanding that food was part of the cycle of life and death and that it was a blessing from God. That is why Grace was always said with conviction and gratitude, and food was eaten with joy.

In our disconnected state we often do not see food as a Grace and Blessing from the Divine and an integral part of the Cycle of Life. We see it as something “out there” that entices us, makes us fat, is an irritation (shopping and cooking) or just plain boring. We have forgotten how to celebrate food, community, sharing and the Grace of God as expressed through sustenance and nourishment for the physical body. The Grace of God is a part of all life if we allow outselves to see that, even to the food that we eat every day.

From Celia Fenn’s latest blog at http://www.starchildglobal.com/.

I found out yesterday that we live less than a mile from a park that has community gardens. I will have to look into this.

I am thinking about container composting and container gardening, but I find no motivation. Whatever the barricades may be, they need to be overcome by March or so when the growing season returns.

I feel very blessed to live in the central valley. Outside of the Mediterranean, I think we have the best food in the world. That’s why I came back here, back home. We finally found a decent Mexican restaurant in the north state. I’ve been concentrating on making inauthentic Mexican or TexMex inspired food. He is a quarter Mexican and seems okay with eating bean, tomato, pepper-based food. Other than liking TexMex more than any other kind of food, it seemed to be the only affordable option to feed a household of eight in Milwaukee. I could go buy us enough cinnamon and cloves at El Ray to last us several months for less than $15. Avocados, cilantro, tomatoes, potatoes, onions, tortillas, meat, sour cream, cheese, spices, all on the cheap. There is a Mexican grocery right by our house. Finally found the darn place after a year and a half!

I got to eat well all summer between the growers’ and farmers’ markets. The bread machine has been a godsend.

We are locking horns over western medicine and financial institutions.

I want my bikes down in storage so I can use them. I want to get up to the mountains to play in the snow, but feel unjustified in spending $15 in gas for a trip up. I’m also still apprehensive about being up in the snow, alone. I do not want to have to chain up. I am intimidated by the snow chains.

He wants me to go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong with me. Well, the most probable cause has been eliminated. Now what? How much money are you willing to dump down this? We don’t have any extra. Besides, going to doctors is agonizing for me because I’ve had so much bad experience and they tend to only make things worse. Waste money, make Nadeanna miserable. Sounds like a win, win right? Doctors have not yet made it to the 5th dimension, that’s for sure. Just like food in Western Kentucky. I’m not paying to eat shit. I will drive to Nashville to get groceries and I am getting the hell out of Dodge ASAP and going back to the land of edible food, clean air, and clean water. So I did. Amen. The important things. Food is the foundation and to have good food you have to have good soil, good water, and good air. Now how do we get there? I just don’t see how figuring out what is ‘wrong’ with me is going to help feed the world real food or help humanity live in ecological harmony. Not a priority, although, I am almost inspired to start making us a compost, even down to going and buying worms.

And as for feeling like dog excrement today… “When I said to my inner guidance that I felt inadequate at needing such support, the reply I received was that I had supported so many, now it was my own turn to feel what it felt like to be supported through a challenging ‘ascension’.”

Outside of Time

I am shocked to see him. His left arm is amputated as well as his right leg up to his knee. My son is a cripple! He’s not even 5 yet. He barely got to enjoy the experience of running. Images of skiing, ice skating, snowboarding, running through prairie grass, mountain biking, road biking, flash all through my head to be replaced with sadder images of driveway basketball and assisted swimming. Well, he always loved the water, right?

“What happened!?!” I am demanding as I receive a single-armed embrace.

“Mommy!”

Michelle and Angie look at me doe-eyed.

“He was attacked by a 6th grader with a machete,” Michelle nonchalantly replies. His sister? “They had to amputate.”

He has no other scars, but insisted on keeping his right foot. He likes to show it to people.

“Look at my foot Mommy!” It’s been sprayed to preserve it and it’s still fleshy feeling. Gross. You can see the bone in cross-section at the ankle.

“No one thought you should tell me?”

Michelle and Angie shrug.

“Honey, I would have killed whoever did this to you if they had so much as touched you.” He had a prosthesis for his leg, so he could walk, but it didn’t fit right and he seemed to prefer scooting around on the floor like some crab-boy.

You need to come home with me, to the land of far, far away. The sun shines more. The air is cleaner. The water is better to drink. The food just came right out of the earth, and THERE ARE NO MANIACS RUNNING AROUND WITH MACHETES!!!!

I had been watching Queen before bed last night and there is a gory civil war scene. I found out Michelle is supposedly moving back in with her mother, the most evil person I’ve ever met.

I tell Jeremy about the dream and he tells me about this twin Anubis dream he had, like something out of The Mummy. The twins were really two old Jewish men under the masks. They had been collecting body parts because one of them had lost a leg and one an arm. Jeremy had found a toe in his sandwich prior to their arrival.

So in exploring dismembered children, jackals, and Anubis, I came up with this.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”
Ephesians 6:12 – KJV

Somehow this led me back once again to Chapter 24. When the darkness is increased by one, the 7th brings return.

I find myself within the mountain. All is in relationship to the sacred mountain that holds my life anchoring me to all that is.

THE JUDGMENT

KEEPING STILL. Keeping his back still
So that he no longer feels his body.
He goes into his courtyard
And does not see his people.
No blame.

True quiet means keeping still when the time has come to keep still when the time has come to keep still, and going forward when the time has come to go forward. In this way rest and movement are in agreement with the demands of the time, and thus there is light in life.

The hexagram signifies the end and the beginning of all movement. the back is named because in the back are located all the nerve fibers that mediate movement. If the movement of these spinal nerves is brought to a standstill, the ego, with its restlssness, disappears as it were. When a man has thus become calm, he may turn to the outside world. He no longer sees in it the struggle and tumult of individual beings, and therefore he has that true peace of mind which is needed for understanding the great laws of the universe and for acting in harmony with them. Whoever acts from these deep levels makes no mistakes.

THE IMAGE

Mountains standing close together:
The image of KEEPING STILL.
Thus the superior man
Does not permit his thoughts
To go beyond his situation

The heart thinks constantly. This cannot be changed, but the movements of the heart – that is, a man’s thoughts – should restrict themselves to the immediate situation. All thinking that goes beyond this only makes the heart sore.

THE LINES

Six at the beginning means:
Keeping his toes still.
No blame.
Continued perseverance furthers.

Keeping the toes still means halting before one has even begun to move. The beginning is the time of few mistakes. At that time one is still in harmony with primal innocence. Not yet influenced by obscuring interests and desires, one sees things intuitively as they really are. A man who halts at the beginning, so long as he has not yet abandoned truth, finds the right way. But persisting firmness is needed to keep one from drifting irresolutely.

Six in the second place means;
Keeping his calves still.
He cannot rescue him whom he follows.
His heart is not glad.

The leg cannot move independently; it depends on the movement of the body. If a leg is suddenly stopped while the whole body in in vigorous motion, the continuing body movement will make one fall.

The same is true of a man who serves a master stronger than himself. He is swept along, and even though he may himself halt on the path of wrongdoing, he can no longer check the other in his powerful movement. Where the master presses forward, the servant, no matter how good his intentions, cannot save him.

Nine in the third place means:
Keeping his hips still.
Making his sacrum stiff.
Dangerous. The heart suffocates.

This refers to enforced quiet. The restless heart is to be subdued by forcible means. But fire when it is smothered changes into acrid smoke that suffocates as it spreads.

Therefore, in exercises in meditation and concentration, one ought not to try to force results. Rather, calmness must develop naturally out of a state of inner composure. If one tries to induce calmness by means of artificial rigidity, meditation will lead to very unwholesome results.

Six in the fourth place means:
Keeping his trunk still
No blame.

As has been pointed out above in the comment on the Judgment, keeping the back at rest means forgetting the ego. This is the highest stage of rest. Here this stage has not yet been reached: the individual in this instance, though able to keep the ego, with its thoughts and impulses, in a state of rest, is not yet quite liberated from its dominance. Nonetheless keeping the heart at rest is an important function, leading in the end to the complete elimination of egotistic drives. Even though at this point one does not yet remain free from all the dangers of doubt and unrest, this frame of mind is not a mistake, as it leads ultimately to that other, higher level.

Six in the fifth place means:
Keeping the jaws still.
The words have order.
Remorse disappears.

A man in a dangerous situation, especially when he is not adequate to it, is inclined to be very free with talk and presumptuous jokes. but injudicious speech easily leads to situations that subsequently give much cause for regret. However, if a man is reserved in speech, his words take ever more definite form, and every occasion for regret vanishes.

Nine at the top means:
Noblehearted keeping still.
Good fortune.

This marks the consummation of the effort to attain tranquillity. One is at rest, not merely in a small, circumscribed way in regard to matters of detail, but one has also a general resignation in regard to life as a whole, and this confers peace and good fortune in relation to every individual matter.

And so in the future, the earth rises above the mountain, in genuine modesty. Hexagram 15, as arising now from the bottom of the mountain.

The superior man can carry out his work to the end without boasting of what he has achieved. The superior man… equalizes the extremes that are the source of social discontent and thereby creates just and equable conditions. Where no claims are put forward, no resistances arise. If a man allows himself to be dazzled by fame, he will soon be criticized, and difficulties will arise. If, on the contrary, he remains modest despite his merit, he makes himself beloved and wins the support necessary for carrying his work through to the end. Genuine modesty sets one to creating order that inspires one to begin by disciplining one’s own ego and one’s immediate circle. Only through having the courage to marshal one’s armies against oneself, will something forceful really be achieved.

Through the imposed nightmare, perseverance, without boasting…The war is over, but we count ourselves not victors, merely resolute, accepting gladly what is given, the hug of a crippled child whose heart is lighter than a feather. There can be no destruction where no lines have been drawn, no demands, nor claims made. It is a delicate dance both within and outside of time, flowering forth from the internal flame allowed to burn brightly into the external creations.

 

Phantasmagoria

They were teaching us, me, the other Adam and some random temporary workers, how to more efficiently get out to our field sites. We would look at these images on magic lantern slides and by recognizing the site, be able to immediately think ourselves there through some remote viewing process, think remote viewing plus telekinetic teletransportation. This technology was being toted over using the GPS to navigate. Basically, the archaeologists had set up a scavenger hunt for us to complete using this new technique, but they were also training people from other departments.

He was in my dream, with his earth father, in McCloud. My creator and his earth father were there for the mountain bike race at Castle Crags. My creator seemed very impressed at my ability to master this new thought process and application of a new earth or Neirian technology instantaneously. I think the other Adam and I were working as a team and we beat L. and P. back who not only had more experience, but a distinct advantage as well in sharing thought processes because of their relationship. I was very pleased that he was pleased with my ability to function, implement, and master outside of his tutelage. Perhaps he even admitted I was more adept at this skill than he. I was also very glad he could come.

“Oh sweetness, are you going to start coming to council now too?”

He laughs.

“But I am so very glad to see you after so long! It’s good to see you again!”

He smiles and says, “Yes it’s good to see you too Nadeanna. Welcome home.”

I was all smiles and golden infusions beaming out.

We got onto a discussion of stair steps, mastery aspects, mirroring, and creation. I wanted to ask him more about the mandala keys, but his father came.

“Looks like I’m off to the bike races.”

He embraces me and whispers, “Be good at work,” in my ear, softly kisses my cheek, and winks at me as he leaves out the back of the district office.

What a sublime dream!