Cleansing Rain

I have signed up to go hiking with RUFF next Sunday.

It appears as though the downstairs neighbors are moving out. While I hope that they as a family receive the healing they need, I am quite glad that this negative energy vortex and source of stress and frustration is departing my sphere of influence. That 12-D affirmation and the attempts to banish or transmute the shadow demon shreds is working! Yay!

Three new inches of snow, but considering how much of the base has melted and having April snow in January, we could use more. SoCal will need water.

I also signed up for a basic mountain biking workshop and changing a flat workshop and a 1-2 night backpacking trip in June to the Caribou Wilderness.

Tomorrow, hopefully, my son is going to be with his father, and I will get to talk to him for the first time in almost 6 months. I really hope his big sister is looking after him up in the north woods or that somehow, miraculously, his mother and maternal grandmother have exorcised their demons. I haven’t seen my other “kids” since before Christmas so I hope Jeremy gets his paper done so we can go visit soon. We were supposed to take a family snowboarding excursion, but now there is hardly any snow.

I’m thinking about going up to help Emily on her site this summer. Which leaves me somewhat concerned about starting a garden. If I order seeds, and start this, who will take care of it if I am gone? What if Jeremy is on a fire, or doesn’t want to? I need a substitute gardener. I also wonder about leaving work for up to a month. I might only be able to go out for a week.

I am calling this week to set up a meeting with the president of the historical society. Hopefully I am going to be able to assist with a digitization and curration project, and then, maybe it will develop into a second part time job.

Hopefully, everything works out at work. I don’t know how I am ever going to get the hours and experience I need to be a P.I. but baby steps are under way.

Hopefully I will be able to procure funds to go to the SAAs. I would really like to get a room at one of the conference hotels, but yikes, so expensive!


Demon Shadow Shreds, the weak magicians of illusion

Dear Demon Shadow Shreds,

You are pathetic and I am getting very tired of seeing through your illusions. I think you should go take yourself to a coffee shop and sit down play a relaxing game of chess or Scrabble, maybe go sunbathing, you know, do something truly for yourself. It might just be more productive than like, siphoning off of me.

Otherwise I will just gnash you to bits in my jaguar jaws as you become smaller and smaller and smaller like a speck of spice stuck on my teeth.





I want to go back to the mountains! Insurance companies. Poor traffic planning. Gulf oil. Morons. Drug addicts. Retards. Sodium laurel sulfate. Plastic. Still, I am not checking all the labels all the time. Still I am forgetting to bring bags to the grocery. Still I am breaking down and buying bathroom cleaner because nothing works like those scrubbing bubbles. Still I am smoking, even if I’ve switched to additive-free, fair-trade tobacco. Still I am driving, even though I try to drive less.

So I bought a drying rack and clothesline. There’s barely room for two loads outside, but… I’m trying. I washed everything in hot water because I think this washer sucks. Also, Era is really necessary for my field clothes and for anything with blood on it, because nothing else gets out protein stains or mud, which I assume contains, or once contained living organisms and therefore proteins.

I’m sick of feeling like “I ought to be”. FUCK it all. You get me, only me, always me and if you don’t like it, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in. I am going to walk my talk and that filter you know that you have, I don’t. It all has to come out, all of it.


But on the good side. I love Redding. Love, love, love, love, love, love 70 degree days in January! OMFG love! I love the beautiful iconic landscape and seeing both Lassen and Mt. Shasta in the same day. Now if only this traffic would go away! Wow, if Redding were more bus, bike, pedestrian friendly…. wow!

Jeremy has a lot on his plate right now, and I’m like, well, I’m trying to do your laundry and order coffee. Feeling pretty useless otherwise. The 80/20 rule is not going to be his friend.

Hate? Hate hate hate hate hate hate money. Hate it! Hate!


I hope Jeremy realizes, that I have dreamed of running/owning a cattery for the last several years. He won’t even let me have a cat at the apartment. He did say something about a rabbit or guinea pig, but cats are less smelly than rabbits. I love cats as much as I love forests and rivers. I’m not sure how humanitarian having a cattery is, but maybe I could distribute cats to disabled folks, or old people stuck at home and in need of a companion? Pets bring joy. They become part of your family.

Dear Shredded Demon Shadows,

Nananana! I beat you, yet again. Please permanently remove your illusions of sorrow from my neighborhood, from my planet, from my awareness. You no longer have a place here, unless you choose love. Creating suffering in others for personal gain is no longer tolerated! Good day and good riddance!




Yesterday driving home I was especially feeling like I have nothing left to give. I want to help, but I feel like the weight of the tasks laid before me are of such enormous weight, that I have nothing left to offer. I think I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not that I expect someone to push me up the rest of the mountain to the summit, it’s just that this is the biggest damn mountain I’ve every tried to climb before and even resting up at 8,000 feet is not helping me refill my reserves. There are shredded shadow demons trying to induce fear and hopelessness to create suffering with what little energy they have left.”Shoo fly, don’t bother me.” I see heros past me by, in much better shape than me. People who had had support all along and never fought the battles I did to even be able to believe they could summit a small mountain. But most disconcerting of all are the writhing masses who can’t even seem to stand up and start putting one foot in front of the other. I may have left them behind, but I can still look down and see their suffering. Wayshower? Quite apparently that is not enough. It is a spiritual journey that must be made of freewill and there are so many lost. I’m not lost, I’m just exhausted, to  the core.

I have to call evil corporations today to whom I am merely a resource to be exploited for profit, not even a valued costumer. I have to call AAA about auto insurance. I just want to get a new price quote for moving. They will then try to get me to pay it all and sell me renters’ insurance on top of that. Insurance is evil. They fight tooth and nail to not pay out when you ever have a claim, and anyhow, it goes against my personal belief system. I only have auto insurance because a. you can hurt others with your motorized vehicle and b. it is required by law and c. if some dumbass hit me, I’d want them to to pay my medical bills and made sure I still had an operational vehicle.

Then I have to call Direct Loans and be like, “Um yeah, I am not working full-time anymore, I can’t give you $225 a month.” Somehow I think you still have to pay as though you were working full-time. Looking for work is not acceptable. Borrowing money might seem logical in theory, but in practice, it rarely works out. I would need to be making about $70K annually to be able to pay more than the interest on this shit. That’s only going to happen if there’s some kind of crazy hyper-inflation and then, well, I would need the extra money to pay bills. Totally hopeless. DO NOT BORROW MONEY TO GO TO SCHOOL!

I have to file my unemployment claim.

I have to go to the bank.

I have to balance my checkbooks.

I have to go back to Shasta College with the signed letter.

I have about 3 weeks to figure out how I am going to come up with a grand to be able to go to SAAs.

I feel like I am getting sick again, and we are once again nearly out of food. I think I probably still need to make something for breakfast besides a smoothie.

Dear universe, I need a comfortable bed to sleep in. It’s been nearly 2 years and my back is quite unhappy. (I have seriously considered not going to SAAs so that I could just buy us a new mattress.) I think the bed is useless. If it takes more than 20 minutes to pass out, there’s a problem with your sleeping surface. I can fall asleep on the couch, but I wake up with achy hips and a stiff neck. I imagine in summer I’m going to go camping as much as possible. Sleeping in a pine groove is a lot more comfortable than this shit.

Anyhow, the point is, is that I don’t really feel I’m being selfish saying I have nothing left to give. I am down on time and energy and maybe this stupid blog ranting is helpful to some people, but even a smile is difficult to conjure up these days.




If I have a religion, it’s the Packers.


The lady at Walgreen’s seriously did not want to sell me tobacco today.

“Is that you?” as she’s turning my drivers’ license every which way.

“Um… yeah.” Duh. So my hair is down and I have glasses and I’m less tan. They make you take your glasses off for your ID photo in California apparently.

“You don’t look like you were born in ’79.”

“Uh… thanks?”

Gimmie my nicotine and EmergenC already.


So one of my friends is applying for a gig in Barstow to escape the wicked east coast weather (with poison ivy). Seems to me Barstow popped up on my radar in late summer/early fall because of Deathproof being filmed there. I need more California excavation hours, and Barstow seemed all right, but I think I all ready came across this posting, and either the timing was off (they needed people IMMEDIATELY) or I decided that I would just sit tight and see if something further north didn’t come along.

I wake up sorting through the physics of snowboarding and probabilities formulas for TFM and some Lady Gaga song running through my head, “Red Wine.” Then I am drooling over pictures of Mammoth. Then I am thinking, “Yeah, I should practice getting up toe side facing the mountain and turning around.” This is really the only problem I have with toeside, is feeling like you can’t see where you are going. This is going to be a metaphorical tool for awhile, so get used to it.

The wise man is cautious, not fearful.


Um, I just wanted to say that I cannot wait to go play in the snow again. I’m ready for a big storm, especially since I am down in the valley and my power will probably stay on. Bring on the powder! This is because Rory took video of sled-capades at my old job. I really wish I had a teletransporter. They were the best co-workers to hang out with ever. A job you want to hang out at after work, now that’s something!

Live the life you love!

True Peace

If Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was born oh, about 50 years before me, and I’ve had all these problems and trials, what really an incredible man he must have been to survive as long as he did, to affect these changes. I already dreamed myself here, writing about him today. I wish that he could see that it hasn’t all been in vain, but still, to me social change is painfully slow, and so many people get where they wanted to be and then proceed to conveniently forget where they came from.

Being here feels so right, and so I am so certain that my primary goal is changing the way this nation grows food and how we feed ourselves, with water resource management coming in as a close second, and what I am doing now coming in third. Healing the wounds of the white man’s rape and flooding the gateway between the central valley and the Pacific Northwest with love.

I love this quote from Stride Toward Freedom.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetuate it.  He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.

I’d like to think the war is over, but yeah, hey, still fighting. Jeremy added to my blade dance analogy. “You’re just honing the blade, sharpening the edge. You never really fall over the cliff.”

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