Book

Maybe it is time for me to write a book. My message does not feel as urgent as it once did. Those that were ready, are on board now. Won’t I just be preaching to the choir, kind of like this blog? I have no more deep, deep wounds to heal through writing. The mythos even is just a structure to help comprehend the density of the truth of source.

There is still a deep part of me that wishes it were 80 years ago, probably the happiest I ever was on Earth. There are sometimes when I play those old songs, even remakes of them, I miss Matt so much, even if he’s looking over my shoulder right now and crying too, it’s not the same. And as with everything, I try to release the pain, to be grateful for having been blessed at all, but it hurts. It still hurts.

Courage

Since re-settling in Dunsmuir I’ve seen bunches of eagles, jays, and ants. I can see the ants from my bathroom window. I love to watch the sun and moon go round the windows. There are some bees and moths and spiders as well. The dark side of nature is retreated, under control, and in harmony. I clipped some cedar yesterday that was blocking the path to the doorway, so now I have cedar boughs on the window sills. I’ll probably shave the bark some later to release the oils. I love the way it smells. There are cedar trees right in front of both north facing windows.

I painted mandalas on the windows in the middle room yesterday. I’m not quite ready to call it the studio yet. I did work on the turtle drawing for a bit yesterday, but then it got dark. I started watching a movie and Liz called. When I go out later, maybe tomorrow, I will gather some sage to dry and burn. I feel very safe here.

I clipped some of the roses this morning, but did not get to the electric trimmer. I was intimidated by it. I think I am ready to try it.

It has been good to have time off, to relax, reground, reintegrate, resettle, and reorganize. I still have some clothes to unpack and boxes to put up, and I wanted to clean all my make-up brushes, but today and yesterday I have felt very lazy and just wanted to stay in and play music, watch movies, read books, and generally potter around. The house is very beautiful, if old. I love the old fixtures and the high ceilings. It truly feels like something out of a dream. It’s another one of those I-know-I-dreamed-this-as-a-child-I’m-exactly-where-I’m-supposed-to-be-right-now things.

My lotus heart is unfolding in a maybe not-so-surprising by this point fashion, a deep, golden, earthy, abiding, peaceful feeling intermingled with this longing for him to be here with me, not right this moment, because I need time alone to heal from being in Kentucky, but soon, soon. The question becomes not does he really want me, but does he really want to leave? I am happy that he sees how much happier I am to be home. How the peace does fill me and my cup runneth over.

I am sad that my Captain is lost. Other times I have thought he was charting a new course, with grander plans in mind, but now I worry that he has given up the maps entirely. I feel he is either ready to leave us, leave his physical body, or that he has succumbed to some other entities. I feel that it is a combination of both. It only takes a moment. I say look love, I’ve been here this time for a reason. Never doubt I love you, never. It hurts me so much that you don’t believe me, and that you no longer accept it, and that you will never leave to come be here, and I have no plans to leave here permanently. This is the place I will always come back to now.

These once alien forests are the salve to my long wounded soul. These pure running mountain waters rebalance the ache in me immediately. Mt. Shasta drives away the ones who would cause me greatest harm. Here I am safe in the mother’s arms. No matter what other journeys and missions I may choose to accept henceforth, and I feel like if Kentucky was more than planting seeds, I surely failed. I suppose I will learn how to make longer forays out, but it is wonderful indeed to be able to return to dream in the lap of the Goddess.

Beyond the Tragic

Reworking the mythos in tripilcity, I have been the bringer of new love, of challenge, of the triad. I have been the destroyer of jealousy and transcender of true love.

A land beyond a great, vast forest surrounded by majestic mountains, lush vineyards…

And wild rivers.

I love you both so much. I miss you. I long for you. I yearn to share the wonders of this sacred land, to heal all your wounds in this frontier. But maybe I’ll just work on making sure mine are taken care of first, the lonesome road with adventure and abiding peace at every turn.


Ride It

After procuring a bed this morning, for which I need to rustle up some more cash for and which I am going to go pick up with Joe later this evening, I have been perusing astrological musings about the upcoming summer. Dear Ones, this is the meltdown we’ve been waiting for our whole lives. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter if I have money or relationships or anything. I could be running barefoot to the desert in a matter of weeks. There is not a lick of certainty or stability in these times. Anything could happen, anything. Although Joe says he is blaming me if anything happens with Mt. Shasta as I somehow was in Arcata during the earthquake and in Nashville in the monsoon-type rains which later resulted in the worst flooding the city has ever seen. I am the harbinger of disaster.

I did say, it was all about to go pop at the equinox. No matter how many things you have overcome, I just wonder if I will be strong enough and brave enough to ride this alone. I was right love, when I said the winter solstice in 2008 was our last chance for light-hearted celebration, the last chance for that old, ignorant blissful peace.

Chicago survives. Sacramento survives. The distant future dreams portend something nearly incomprehensible. I have about 5 and half hours left before I need to be back here. I am debating taking a nap or going to Dunsmuir and unloading my trunk.

Probably I will stay here tonight. I’m not wanting to leave the nest any sooner than necessary. I think Joe gets very lonely without Christina and probably missed me, probably felt abandoned when I went to Kentucky. I’m pretty good at that whole abandonment thing. I’m just so glad to have such amazing people in my life and I am so glad to be back in a place where I feel safe, where I don’t feel like I have to fight to get work done.

I have been cold and exhausted all day. I have lost all my excess water weight immediately upon return to paradise. I just can’t think about the FACT that I don’t have a ‘job’ right now. Is anyone going to have a ‘job’ in 6 months? I really have to wonder.

I had forgot about the maps. I mean, I am glad to have this time off because how could I forget about the maps!?! And the emerald covenant…. Getting into my head, out of my head, wondering if it’s not time to get into some dirt.

Raspberry cream muffins at the break of dawn overlooking Soda Creek Ridge baby. hahahaha! Get out the map.

And thimble berries…. even better!

Self-fulfilling Wishes

I’m doing pretty good on things. My bikes are in the shop as I type. The Schwinn is going to be all nice, a truly sweet ass bike. I just need them to hire me so that I get paid again before I run out of money. Keep praying. I’m about to go look at a mattress and boxspring set in Lake Shastina.

Calm Thyself

I did good. I found a place to live. When the owner was showing me around, we’re standing in her kitchen, she’s asking me how I take my coffee. +click click click+ This seems like a dream I had last summer that I told to Frisky or Esther or the Captain. It feels and tastes and sounds incredibly familiar. It seems like the right thing to do, to get this place.

But today, in spite of intermittent sunshine, my brow is furrowed in worry. What am I supposed to do if my appointment doesn’t go through? And it feels like everyone is breathing down my neck and judging me for taking risks, for not waiting for a sure thing. (waiting where exactly?) I thought I’d been doing a very good job figuring out how to get all this stuff in my car, get out here safely, have a place to crash while I found a place to live, finding a place to live, working on unpacking and changing my address with everyone, I even made some phone calls today to check on other possible employment options since going to Kentucky just fucked my world. In fact, I even got a call back from the Modoc that they might be looking for someone in mid-August.

I am feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I mean really, it’s okay that it’s not straightened out yet, because I don’t have all of my stuff taken care of yet. I’m not ready to work yet. I only managed to get so far today. I think I am going to skip buying a bed today and just… well, I should get going anyhow. More later.

People never want to be friends when you are trying to stay in the high heart and they never want to be friends when you are trying to disentangle from black goo. It’s only when you are light as a feather and don’t present a single challenge that they desire your company. I want someone to shelter the naiad and someone to appreciate the jaguar.

It’s all good when you just do your own thing.

Realigning

I am back. I am currently technically unemployed and homeless. I drove straight through from Laramie. I got here at 5:45. I am frustrated because I am supposed to start work tomorrow, but somehow my appointment is all screwed up in the system, so I really can’t, and even if it hadn’t been, I DROVE STRAIGHT THROUGH FROM LARAMIE!!!! I got here as quickly as humanly possible considering my last day in Kentucky was the 20th. I took a 2 hour nap after calling into work. I am definitely going to the logistics meeting tomorrow, but then what? I am still looking at places, but irritated that one guy wants me to come look at a place today and decide by tomorrow because he is going out of town for Memorial Day. I JUST DROVE STRAIGHT THROUGH FROM LARAMIE!!!!!

But guess what? There is always more cake. Such adventures! It absolutely requires faith beyond anything you can possibly imagine and detachment from any material/physical realities and manifestations. Awareness, emotional control, and complete faith in your ability to bake that cake when the damn bakery is discriminating its patrons or trying to ass rape them by charging $50 for a cake.

There is no backup plan. There is no deadline.

WANTED NOW: HOUSE SHARE IN MT. SHASTA THAT RESPECTS MY CHOICE TO SMOKE TOBACCO AND LEAVES OPEN THE OPTION FOR A PURRFECT KITTY FRIEND. APPOINTMENT MADE OFFICIAL.

WANTED IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE: MORE STABILITY WITHOUT SACRIFICING CREATIVITY. WARM WEATHER AND SUNSHINE. KENTUCKY DETOX. (I still feel so GROSS. How can people live there?) HONEY LOVIN’. KITTY FRIEND. 1200S AND A MIXER. FIX BIKES. START MAD TRAINING REGIME TO PREPARE FOR WYOMING FIELD WORK.

UPDATE: Sunshine and warm(er) weather. Check! We can do that.

Just to Clarify

I drove forever and ever and made it to Laramie. I got a room here. It’s pretty swank and probably twice as much as I ought to should be paying, but you know, I’ll spend an extra $80 on this trip on hotel rooms, especially after driving straight through from Golden Pond! The sad thing is, I still have another 20 hours or 1,300 miles! Going to Kentucky didn’t seem so bad. Anyhow, my little 2.0 liter is barely making it up the grades here with everything in it. It’s going to get a lot hairier. There started to be 50 mph wind gust in Cheyenne. If this is going to be the case tomorrow, I won’t get very far.

I now have 5 places to go look at once I get into town. If it’s big enough, I’m going for the room in Weed so I can save money. There is a studio cottage in Dunsmuir, a two-bedroom upper flat in Dunsmuir, a room to rent in a 3-bedroom on the river in Dunsmuir, and a one bedroom cottage in Mt. Shasta. Just so I can keep it straight. I am trying to go look at them all, but the 2-bedroom on Tuesday. The two-bedroom isn’t available until the 28th, Friday. Sharing a three bedroom sounds nicest, but no smoking. I am perfectly fine with not smoking inside or anywhere near the property, but to become a non-smoker, I need some better reasons than people’s opinions about the kind of people smokers are or their hyper-sensitivities to the way people smell after they smoked outside. I’m willing to theoretically shorten my life for the pleasure I derive from it. Don’t take away my pleasure. +pouts+

Oh the insanity! I am feeling ignored by my love. Maybe it’s because we didn’t call him back last weekend, or maybe he needs a break from my insanity, or maybe everything is insane right now, or maybe he’s like, “The return is no longer worth the investment.” Maybe I’m bringing him down and dirtying his vibe, because I feel I’m being treated the way I treat people when I feel like that, but also it’s the way I treat people when I am engrossed in something else. I become completely oblivious. I hope it’s the later. I’m not stalking. I’m just hyper and insane and lonely and insecure.

After realizing how L-O-N-G this drive is the “short” way, I could kick myself for leaving in the first place. In the grand scheme of things, I probably should have just applied for unemployment. Meh!

The wind, it is a-howlin’.

I have a bunch more phone calls to make before my brain completely shuts down.

I love 5-D. I got to talk to both ma honeys! Seriously, I’m going to pass out now, I hope. My body is so done, has been so done for the past 6 hours.

And my body is detoxing Kentucky like crazy: insatiable thirst, giant buggers, frequent urination. Thursday I am going to Spencer Springs if I’m not working.

Forty minute nap on a real bed, OMFG! I don’t ever want to leave! I had some hazy, ‘gazey’ thoughts about triplicity and sharing fabulous things like decent mattresses because I don’t need one every night, but having only had one, one night since leaving Mt. Shasta, um… yeah, not good.

“Sunny Boy” and “Let’s Stay Together” mash-up in my head. I’m hungry but too exhausted to go find real food, or even get dressed for delivery, but my mind is whirring at light speed. If I had a honey here, they could go get me food, or make me tea, or rub my back or something to ground me down. No more 18 hour drives. Especially not when you have to turn around and do it again the next day. I should have taken 2 weeks off and stuck with plan A. Oh well. Lara bars and dried blueberries it is then. Then I am taking a shower and washing my greasy hair and trying to sleep again.

Real Quick, Before I Get Tires

I can have my cake and eat it too, because guess why. There is always more cake. Jamie was bitching about enterprise crews again today. “Well of course you are, because they get to have their cake and eat it too.” Um…

Let them eat cake. That’s what they can do in Kentucky. You just eat your cake and then cry because it’s all gone because you don’t understand the abundance paradigm and still operate in a world of lack and finite possibilities. The cake could be a metaphor for the job situation or for love or for the abundance paradigm. I like it.

Even though in many, many ways Kentucky has absolutely sucked it’s all worked out perfectly, or is about to work out perfectly. There are two small wrinkles remaining to be ironed out: my appointment becoming OFFICIAL and finding a place to live. Other than that, the issues are small. What I was able to achieve has been pretty amazing: find a place to live and make about $6K for 2 and half months, avoiding paying rent for 3 months, avoiding applying for unemployment, delay registering my car in California, delay getting my driver’s license renewed in California, delay registering to vote in California, learned ArcGIS, got a couple of months experience as a GS-7, got field experience in Kentucky, got field experience in Tennessee, experience writing Kentucky site forms, experience doing NEPA for prescribed burns and timber sales, meet and kick it with Andy, kick it with the Captain, meet a whole bunch of other down ass peeps, one of whom is from NorCali, one of whom takes the whole foods/slow foods thing seriously enough to have started a garden at I.V.

Now the push back home is on. I just have to maintain and not freak out for a little bit longer while the last two things work themselves out. It’s like the universe is teasing, saying, “See it’s all perfect!” If I believe it’s perfect, it will be. But there’s still enough uncertainty remaining that it could be quite horrible were a worst case scenario to happen, or even not worst case, but it could be bad if this paperwork doesn’t go through, yet, even then, wouldn’t I be where I was supposed to be? Couldn’t I make things work to my advantage again? Hells yeah I could! Because I can navigate even through stagnant flows. Right now, where you be? Where do you want to be? What makes your heart sing?

Wondering if I’d like to stick around to see my boys one last time, or if out west this fall would be a better time. Right now I feel I am presented with several lovely options for the next week or two. No matter where I go or what I decide, the trip back will be splendid.

Unfortunately, I am going to go to Wal-mart to buy more Space bags. It is so much easier than any of the alternatives…. I hate you Wal-mart, but idiots have made you convenient in last minute situations.

Twilight to Twilight

We played saxophone while watching fireflies and the natural fireworks of the storm just to our west. When my wine was finally chilled and my embouchure shot, we sat on the porch and played farkle and scrabble by candlelight, although lighting the candles was quite an ordeal. I finished off my bottle hours later after winning scrabble (I’ve got two out of three now, and I’m sure we’re the only ones keeping track). Slightly tipsy, we took it inside and the rain began in earnest. A perfect West Tennessee summer evening energy enveloping my being, curling my toes, he hikes up my skirt a little more. It is hot and sticky because the front hasn’t quite come through yet. The abandon of last week is absent and it is like the weekend has been, sticky and languid, with an impending sense of recklessness. I want to surmount the summit of ecstasy previously achieved, but the work week, the stress of the unknown, the wine, the heat, all are taking their toll.

“Baby, you can’t go to sleep yet. I’m not there. I’ll keep pestering you.”

But after changing into pajamas, dawn is breaking, the air has cooled slightly, we are on opposite sides of the bed, and I have had the most restful sleep I’ve had in weeks. I am almost ready to be up, sad it is dawn already. I think about how this could very well be the last time I will have any high vibe affection (thereby meaning any affection because I’m not going to let it happen otherwise, I vow) for any foreseeable future. I’m leaving, and perhaps best to leave the boys behind. All that energy I invested in my desire and adoration of the Captain and this is where I end up. Totally unexpected and pleasantly surprised. Then I think of the Golden Dreamer. I can feel his energy in that moment too. I drift to his eyes and his smile. Both the most perfect and mesmerizing I have ever encountered. I think of his creativity, his outstanding attitude, but his confession that he had no idea of the energy he was outputting. I think back to last year, him becoming my first friend in Redding really, and before the Captain or the man sleeping next to me where on my radar at all, how I told him there would come a day when he would miss my poetry. Work picked up and the flirtations abruptly stopped. Just now we are getting to the “always be good friends” stage. I wonder what will happen with my boys when I go back home, if everything has changed so much. If everything will abruptly stop. I shed three tears, one for each of them, wishing impossible things.

I am brought back to now, to my body, because he reaches out an arm to spoon me. The work alarm is going off and I finally shut it off. He resets it for 7:57, with plans of making muffins for breakfast. I drift back to sleep but a restless sleep of very vivid lucid dreams. There is no graham flour or cream cheese and a promise forms for some distant future raspberry cream cheese muffins, I imagine a sunny winter morning in the shadow of Soda Creek Ridge.

“Girl you’re making me gazey.”

It is then that I realize he never brought me any malted milk balls and there was not a breakfast cornicopia a la Marlan spread on the kitchen table. There is a drowsy conversation about breakfast tea involving black tea, yerba mate, green tea, white tea and how vanilla should not ever be with black tea. He disappears to make me tea and upon his return we fall back asleep, spooned together in the cool comfort of rain sounds.

I come back to the trailer at sunset and realize how much needs to be done by departure on Saturday, still without a place to live, still unsure what day I am starting work and I try hard not to fall into the gaping abyss of uncertainty. But then there is my wonderful baby who shares with me wonderfully random secrets…

My captain is wonderfully wise, peace-inducing, light-bearing, and utterly and beautifully synchronistic at times.

All of our emotions must be honoured for even though there are days when the seas and waters of life are calm and clear, there are also moments of turbulence which act as a sort of cleansing process. The turbulence can bring elements of our emotional world to the surface from depths that we have dis-owned consciously and yet those elements are still impacting us on a daily basis whether we choose to recognize they are still there or not.

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