My Heart’s Desires – ala Sacha Sterling

1. Different (better) job

2. Employer provided health insurance (no extra charge for tobacco, spouse or dependents all included, low-deductible, low co-pay)


4. high clearance 4 wheel drive vehicle

5. blood orange tree

6. more raised beds

7. kitty kat (s) – Ragdoll from Auburn breeder, sisters from same litter

8. drip irrigation system

9. Vitamix

10. Kio pond and/or swimming pool

11. teletransporter

12. a bikini top in G+ cup size that folds down small for backpacking

13. Solar dehydrator

14. Spiralizer

15. And while we’re asking, how about a week at Heavenly of private snowboard instruction?

16. Mossbrae music festival 2013?

17. more backpacking trips: Trinity Alps, Marble Mountains, Russian Wilderness, Yolla Bollas, Warners

18. local ice ring and figure skating lessons

19. a life straw

20. one of those in line filter thingies

21. a bigger pack

22. toe socks, for hiking

23. two hens?

24. an upright tiger oak piano

25. more and taller tomato cages for next year

26. snowboard wax and tune

27. ski wax and tune

28. Scott Valley bluegrass festival 2014?


  • There’s not a lot a desire right now beyond a job that is satisfying.
  • I believe I deserve all these things.
  • I believe the landscaping things are possible, but probably won’t happen for 6 months to a year from now.
  • Pool and koi pond could be decades off. I’m not sure we have room for both. I might want the space more to grow food. Living close to Whiskeytown and having a kiddie pool is a nice compromise.
  • I think I only want 1 through 3 at a 10. I give them a probability factor of less then 6 in the current reality. Some of the things I want less are more probably and I will get them sooner.
  • The Vitamix is a few months out I think. I really want it to make soup with. I am going to have a butt load of winter squash.
  • A solar dehydrator is in the realm of possibility.
  • This all makes me think I am definitely heading more and more to the 80-10-10 raw vegan world. Mr. X even ordered vegetarian pizza last time he got pizza for us. I’ve done pretty well committing to be a vegetarian for the last 6 weeks. It’s not important to label myself that way, I just don’t think I need to eat meat right now, and when and if I do feel I need to eat meat again, I’d like to know where it came from. I find it hard to resist temptation while backpacking (but I figure it’s like a condiment and I probably need it then), when Mr. X cooks for me, and in social situations in which there is meat. I try to avoid social situations where I know there will be food I don’t typically eat and I try to bring raw fruit (or veggies) to share as much as possible.
  • I could put more bucket-list/travel type stuff on here, but given that I turned down my best opportunity so far to go to Sequoia National Park, something I wanted to do since I was 3 or 4 years olde, to come home to Mr. X because that’s what I wanted to do more.¬† I guess my relationship and home life takes precedence over most bucket list type things.
  • Backpacking and more ways to prepare raw foods seem pretty important.
  • Yeah I should just go to the bluegrass festival. Who the fuck cares that I was thinking of doing other, less expensive things with other people this weekend?
  • I should stop swearing so much, but it just feels good, you know?

Some Days

I’m really, really upset about the Churn Creek bottom Commercial Center. It’s gotten through the county regulatory red tape and they are going to rezone agricultural land, where my food comes from! I guess right now we are just collecting signatures. I am still flabbergasted that anyone would try to build a shopping center in a recession/depression, and in the prime agricultural land that supports Redding, Cottonwood, and Anderson, in a major watershed of the Sacramento River. Are you fucking retarded? I guess I’m not really worried that it will get built in the immediate future, because there’s no profit in it at the moment. Since I learned about it in December or January, I’ve just been convinced that the idea was so ludicrous that there were no way for it to come into being.

I’m also really upset about the Rawsome raid. You can call here to protest to the California Department of Food and Agriculture. Honestly, I do think you should have to obtain a permit to sell unpasteurized dairy, but those permits should be inexpensive and easily attainable, like not more than getting a fishing license or a drivers’ license. And of course, those foods should be labeled so that consumers can choose whether or not to buy raw dairy products. I love unpasteurized cider in the fall, and there is no where to get that unless you own your own apple orchard and cider press.

Then Liz hasn’t gotten her disability check from the V.A. and is getting evicted. Apparently one of Liz’s friends found a lawyer to take Taylor’s case to get his record expunged. If Liz can get sole physical placement of the girls, maybe part of my family is coming home. Wisconsin is like… but one of my other friends is doing really well. I think she might just be high of pregnancy hormones, but take what you can get hey?

It’s all about perception and attitude, but I am really upset about the attack on food. I see this as an attack on collective well-being.

Also, there are some days when I feel so, so blessed for being able to be here, for having the job I have, and for my continuing relationship to the kindest, wisest, most patient, most attractive man I have ever known. I am so lucky!

I just wish everyone else could be connected to nature, self-aware, eating healthy food and be so, so lucky too!

This video is pretty bad, and I know video is not great for perceiving auras and glow, but I was really struck by the difference in energy of the protesters versus the SWAT team. The difference in person must have been like… a slap in the face, really powerful. Just think, even if some hippie raw-milk drinking protesters are a little “out-there”… but who would you rather be like? Alive or enslaved in fear? I could also perceive the fear and discomfort of the officers. “I hate my job, but I need to take care of my kids.” Remember, there is always more cake, and there is always another way.

Carnal Pleasures and the Mastery of Desire

How do you tell between illusion-based desires and those, well, that are more well-intentioned and serve the light within?

This is a head trip you can easily get lost in and your ego is going to be out there to get you time and time again, but as blade dancers, you can’t just go all raw or all celibate or all whatever to eliminate your addiction. Right? Krishnamurti already said this. I’ll get to the point. I promise. You might want to do this for a time, so that you remember how if feels to be without it, and how your brain and chemistry work outside of the addiction and withdrawal, but hey man, not everything that brings pleasure is evil. That’s why we’re here in these broke down bodies on this planet that is experiencing a biospheric meltdown right? We’re not suffering for our health, I mean, maybe you are, but I did not volunteer for this mission and I’m still a hedonist at heart. Since, we’re supposed to be living through our hearts right now, always were supposed to be. That’s why everything is all broke down. Our hearts have been broken.

Well, anyway. The fashionista inside me is coming back to life. Most times I am practical because I know I am going to be sweating balls or climbing over deadfall or what have you. But really, if I’m staying in all day or just driving to the store why not do my hair and make-up and actually think about what I am wearing? So in part this may have been spurned by the increasingly raw diet because I feel more glow-ey and more like LOOK AT ME (stupid ego! but there you go). I feel less like a ghost to the world and more like myself. Not that I didn’t feel like myself before, I just felt invisible to the world at large, but thank God that pieces of reality have finally come into harmonization with my vibration. Now that I know other people can see me I feel like then I really want to play around with what my outside casing looks like because inside I feel very creative and playful and fashion and cuisine is where my heart is having that come out right now. It’s sort of weird, because it normally comes out through music, art, or poetry but there’s the whole dissatisfaction with music at the moment.

I want MAC eyeshadows and brushes, cute sandals, some freaking clothes that I haven’t already owned for the last 8 years, nice clothes, not the shit you find at regular stores now a days. If anyone knows of any amazon fashionistas recently passing, I’m a classic 14 to 16. Dead peoples’ clothes are the best. lol. That’s the other thing about new clothes. They don’t fit right. There’s like all this room for stomach pouches, that used to be in plus sizes or half sizes. Misses, please. I have curves, but I am not a heifer. Juniors and girls sizes do not have room for boobs or shoulders or hips. And actually that’s getting bad too. I get something big enough for my shoulders and rib cage and there’s all this extra in the tummy area. But I have this vintage dress, that other the the sleeves being a little too short, is slammin’. Okay, I’m done. I think I am going to start buying new clothes at Victoria’s Secret because they are the same price as Target or Macy’s, better quality, and haven’t gone all vanity sized.

I did fall asleep listening to Miles Davis on the turntable last night. That was fabulous.

I did drink last night.

I did pick up a copy of Crosby, Stills, and Nash’s first album on vinyl. It is so freaking beautiful. It brought me to tears. Hey, if I can manifest an analog copy of “Judy Blue Eyes”, and a way to play it, I think I can manifest whatever I desire that is in harmony with the universe. Listening to this album I have loved forever the way it was intended to be heard was a truly, truly amazing experience. Indescribable.

So while I can still enjoy the old music. I am hearing a new sound that I haven’t got the resources to commit to bringing out of my head, and apparently, no one else is there yet, or they are in the same boat I am in.

Oh, and really, I want a mixer and a set of turntables because I am hearing Aretha Franklin disco house after listening to Love All the Hurt Away last night.

I did come across this mix that is pretty nice.

The dehydration is going okay so far, even though I was in the kitchen forever yesterday. The crackers are still moist and really crumbly, so I definitely want to try the chia seed thing next time, but they smell really good and I want to eat them right now!

I also was thinking, all of the above, this is why I can’t watch movies or read fiction anymore. Drama-free reality and the playful expression of my being through my high-heart is so fucking awesome why, oh why, oh why would I ever want to live through anyone else working out their archetypal dramas or intentionally creating illusion because they forgot or have yet to learn how to be? Nope. I am going to spend hours playing with my hair and make-up, playing in the kitchen, playing with jig saw puzzles, playing records, playing on YouTube… because I am embodying happiness. I cannot be distracted and I do not need to be entertained or brainwashed.

Rainbow Bright

I most likely am calling in today. For the first time in 3 years I have a cold. Last time this happened I was pregnant and it turned into the flu and a two-month long sinus infection which lasted until about a week after the pregnancy terminated in miscarriage. Unknowing of my pregnancy at the time, I was taking anything so that I could breath and function including ibuprophen, pseudoephidrine, two different antibiotics, even something for acid reflux. No one thought to give me a pregnancy test during all of this, and having somewhat irregular periods I never thought much of the early, light followed by a light, late one without cramps. This was before I was charting my cycle. Anyways, the point being an upper respiratory infection after this interval is dredging up some traumatizing events and emotions. Considering how many times my life has completely changed in the last three years, it’s difficult for me to even conceive of October not being that long ago. How completely my life has changed since meeting Jeremy! While at the same time, the point at which I had left Mt. Shasta last year is fast approaching. Soon it will be a year since I first hung out with my Tennessee boys.

Considering all the energies that were flying around last winter, that I was trying to draw on last vernal equinox… wow! Yet, some things I am still focused on, like sustainable agriculture. I figure this one is the most important, real thing on earth right now. Feeding the people has to come first, and that fuel needs to be good fuel, that is in harmony with mother earth. Hand-in-hand with sustainable agriculture is soil creation. All the other things like watershed restoration, habitat restoration, integrated resource management, renewable energy, mass transit, housing cooperatives, things like Bucketworks; that all comes after sustainable agriculture. If I ever retire from archaeology, it is going to be as a farmer. I might consider taking a break to be a mother again, or throw some other things into the mix again like environmental education or wildland firefighting, but to quit for good, I’d better be raising goats and growing peaches or something.

This season could be the first I’ve grown my own vegetables since like 1996. Gardening with Adventure, right?

Suddenly, the smallest addition produces a drastic change in the system. The emergent phenomena bring unexpected discontinuities and burst open long sealed gateways. Meaningful localized patterns can unfold. When flows of matter and energy sustain a system away from its equilibrium point, it becomes possible for new forms and orders of structures to grow. So be a hummingbird, or an ant, or whatever you need to be. Right now, your tiny drop of water, your one crumb, that’s what could be the smallest addition that produces a drastic change in the system. Choose wisely young grasshopper. Choose love. Choose abundance. Choose radiance. Choose grace. When you love the land you live in, and feel as one with it, how can you allow anything but its nurturance? It is your mother, your father, your first born-son, your lover – all of these is the land in which you are meant to be. Care for it, and it will care for you. Too many have forgotten the unconditional love for their land.

Which brings me to this other strange thing. Some Native Americans are lucky enough to still have some tiny sliver of ancestral land seized back from and wrung from the greedy hands of white colonizing capitalists. Mostly, the non-indigenous ancestors of mine have been in America since before the United States was a country, since before white men ever came to California, since the early 18th century, mostly. But none of my people ever came from or came to California. I am an immigrant. I am a pioneer. What right do I have to be here? And yet, I feel perfectly at home and beyond blessed to be here. What must it feel like to live in the land of your ancestors? How strong then that connection must be! I can scarcely imagine. And even when I have been in the land of my ancestors, maybe due to the discontinuity or the environmental degradation, but although I’ve been moved to tears, there is not this constant awe of majesty, this inherent holiness in every viewshed that immediately sinks into the core of your BEING. This is God’s country. Heaven on earth is here, just beyond the veil, and nowhere is the veil thinner than in this sacred land.

The exciting thing is though, that the Rainbow Brite movie is on instant Netflix. Now if only I had still some Irish cream… really though, it’s getting better. The person we think was ground zero was sick for 14 days, Jeremy for 7 or 8. I’m only on day 4. See the netti pot and EmergenC are good for something. My nose is pretty much cleared up and I just have some cement stuck in the back of my throat and some immune system repair. I’m disappointed my “I’m never getting sick again,” affirmations didn’t hold out for longer, but considering how much ill health can be induced by grad school and having a kid in daycare, I’m glad to be done with all that. Two and a half years with nothing more than menstrual cramps is pretty kick-ass. I also realize from now on, we’ve got to change that to something along the lines of, “I will always be radiantly healthy, as I am designed to be.”

We really, really need a new mattress. I have not slept in a comfortable bed since May. The couch is starting to make my hips ache, which while better than a stiff neck, misaligned spine, or tossing and turning all night – still is not quite what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a windfall that allows us to purchase a mattress I can be comfortable sleeping on, that we can both be comfortable sleeping on.

Of course the story really doesn’t matter anymore, but someone I feel someone confident in trusting, has hinted that the GFL and the G.A. are not working hand-in-hand. Puzzled? Yes! Well… certainly in that line of inquiry with the stargate…. I know we were quite pissed for awhile because it’s as though they stood with their hands tied behind their backs. Nadeanna was like, “I know! I know! Peace, love, blah! You sound like some 15 year-old on ecstacy. You have to shake the aquarium! SHAKE it! Shake, shake, shake. Shake your booty. Shake your booty. Okay, whatever, you guys suck. We’re not waiting for you to take action.” When trying to effect change, in whichever direction that may be, yeah, you gotta shake, gotta. And well, again, we return to the”Politics is for pussies.” “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” It’s all about the blade dance, yo! All about it. We are currently living in revelations, whatever that means, but we are.

Midsummer’s Eve

Blessed is he who walks in the way of the light!

This has been the strangest spring ever.

I finally went to Ah-Di-Na today. I don’t get it. The whole thing couldn’t have been that built up just for me to have somewhere to hike to on the summer solstice. Another thing like the River Exchange to file away for later. It was a very beautiful hike and there was this Lion’s Pride volunteer group doing trail work on the PCT on the way to Ah-Di-Na road from Ash Camp. I drank a soda with some guy and chatted before I went on to Ah-Di-Na.

The reservoir was this impossible jade green, oh my God! When the sun was gone from the valley, it was as if the light came from everywhere, like.. home. I kept thinking, what a strange place to put our mirror, but on the way back I became more and more convinced that this is our mirror and the Golden Dreamer is bound to the lake as I am about to be bound to the river and Happy is from home too. Neira II on Earth at Lake McCLoud and Ah-Di-Na.

Also, I was thinking of Andy and how with this new 4D-ness that it’s like with Matt. He’s projecting himself here so it becomes as though he walks beside me and I let my mind drift and many times I find myself in the garden with him. I like it! I still misses him. I thought this morning that we will have to get a kitty when he comes out here. I won’t get one now because I am gone too much… I don’t know. 2 cats are normally better, but what if we got a cat that we both spoiled? And wouldn’t she be sad if we ever went away for the weekend? So it has to be a kitty that goes along with us everywhere. Maybe the cat is not such a good idea, but I miss Quinn! and I needs a new kitty. But before I get into what I am missing too much, I am so glad to be home! It feels so good! … to live in paradise!

Abundance paradigm: Yesterday there was a book of matches by the bird bath. Today I found a 10K gold chain wrapped around the cord to my curling iron (seriously!?! how?) and a flat head screwdriver on my hike. These are all things I have wished for at various points in the past. Plus I got a free soda which I didn’t think I was trying to manifest, and some more information about groups I probably want to connect up with.

What if Inertia Didn’t Win?

The law of thermodynamics also mentions that an object in motion tends to stay in motion. What if, by some strange application of zero point energy creation, of which I may be a participating party to, yet not fully comprehending, energy were transferred to me, keeping me in a robust position of limitless energy, which I then transferred to inert bodies? Then the bodies to which I transferred energy created from zero point fields in a higher dimension would be in motion in the third dimension, tending to stay in motion, breaking apart ingrained paradigms of lack. I would facilitate the transference of abundance paradigms to our physical reality. Motion, constant flow, would win the day. Change and chaos would be masters of this new realm. This is the world in which I exist, the world of Shiva Dance, where joy is the constant stream of destruction and creation ebbing into increasingly complex and aesthetically pleasing forms of emergent phenomena, unfolding and folding in onto themselves.

Someone had this to say.