Late Night

I’m still up, although I’m about ready to get into my pjs.

I talked to a recruiter for the National Guard today. I’ve been going through my old lj. I cannot believe how horrid finishing my thesis and dealing with Michelle was. I’m sure I was no help to her at that point, other than providing childcare and sharing living expenses. I was thinking about deleting all my online accounts because, I was f-ing crazy in grad school yo. I like to tell myself it was immaturity and lack of social support. I mean, I broke down just before I finished undergrad. I didn’t even think I could finish that. Mostly, the story of my life has been something along the lines of the world is big and scary and how can I survive without selling my soul? Who could have guessed that I’d decide the military was more in the flow than other options? Really though, it doesn’t feel like there are many options around in Shasta County. I don’t think I can suck it up and do some temp agency stuff to pay bills. I honestly think I’d have more fun in the National Guard. Liz says they don’t care what silliness you put online, but the shit with Michelle, Teagan, and Taylor is like out of a horror movie. How did I even end up there? Yet, I needed the experience of being a mother.

I don’t really get why we must endure lives of such suffering. If I’m going to suffer, I want it to be real suffering, not because of my perceptions or misconceptions.

I’ve got a lot on my mind, but no one to really talk to it about.

I recently read Abundance: the Future is Better than You Think. I have lots of thoughts on that, mostly that if investors are looking at extracting water from asteroids, then that should tell you that we’re fucked.

Our administrative assistant resigned today to go to a better job. I feel like I need to step up my job search. I don’t know what to do, but losing this person at work really tells me where the company is headed.

I wish I could be more optimistic.

I found out the nearest physical therapy program is in Sacramento. I refuse to borrow any more money to go to school.

Seems like before, my big lessons were patience and integrating polarity.

Now it seems like more letting go, not passing judgment, and letting everything roll off my back.

Most days I feel like Mr. X and Jenilee are the only people who really give a crap, and yet I think of so many other people. I wish I could do more to pull us all up. I’m asking myself how I can best be of service without compromising myself. I wonder if Mr. X knows that he’s helping more than just me by subsidizing my existence.

I could probably have a CRM career if I were willing to re-locate or if I were willing to continue bouncing around the country like a pinball, but I’ve put my foot down and said enough.

Mr. X won a bid on a house, but it has to be surveyed to see if it is outside of the FEMA floodplain and it has to pass inspection. There’s several hundred things that could go wrong and so many steps in the process. He’s like, “I’m coming to realize that it’s not that we’re buying a house. It’s that I’m buying a house.” Yup.

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Savoury Cheddar Dill Scones

Yum! Yum! Yum!

Super Sun

This is the most intense the sun has ever been in April, at least in my fuzzy memory. We had a UV index of 9. I’ve only been outside doing laundry, so no hat, no sunscreen, no tan, no freckles, no color, but shit, it’s like my sunglasses aren’t even enough to keep me from squinting today. Normally that doesn’t happen unless I’m out in the lavaflows, and it certainly doesn’t happen in April looking at lawns under oak trees. It’s after 3:30 and it’s still baking. Apparently it’s only 87, but it’s the hottest 87 I’ve ever experienced in California.