Expansion

We called this expansion.

I have no idea, but I jumped onto a time continuum I already dreamed, and it feels good, but brothers and sisters, I think there are more than two ships passing. There are lots of ships meeting the dawn, in that place that I have been hanging out in for the last year or so up here in the green place, in the shared realities with BEING here.

It’s all about geography. It’s all about mutuality. The same time, the same place. Given as received and received as given, in like kind and any reprehension is so, so overcome by the power of this mutuality, this shared passion and curiosity. When radical honesty brings relief and joy rather than sorrow and regret, well, that’s when you learn how to hold on, hold on, hold on. Because even as this shakes out this week, even if there is a piece of ground to stand on, the changing is not yet done. Hold on, hold on, hold on for dear life.

Gratitude is the creator of a heart filled with love.

Wanting to go home… where it is easy to be.

The Unexpected

I am with two of my boys, maybe ones yet unmet, in the mountains. It is spring, loud and alive with snow melt. As I glow internally from love light, my skin is blushed from the cool moist air and the exertion of the recent climb. Me in the middle, hand-in-hand swinging our arms coming down the slope. Kristina is out for a morning run, hair wild and skin dull, not quite yet awakened to the wet spring. We are singing, whistling, laughing and eyes all a-twinkling. She meets us coming up, nearly shocked at my beauty and our merriment. Three can BE and well, “After work, you should join us. Isn’t it BEAUTIFUL here in paradise?”

She continues her morning run thinking. “It really does WORK.”

 

What’s Been Going On?

Oh, oh, oh… ma goodness. Some Monday, last Monday I had a mental breakdown. Now I have a fire captain (he says he is not a fire captain, but the label “captain” works better in the telling of the story… fuels management and fire prevention? it gives me a happy glow like integrated resource management and habitat restoration. Whatever, you go out to fight wildfires with the Hot Shot crews… and you’re not a forestry technician in my book that makes you a fire captain and I am STILL waiting to get my red card… wondering what I am going to do for P.T. this winter if I am not in the mountains) from down in the valley. You can still see Mt. Shasta from Redding. The whole moving situation is up in the air. My roof is leaking. I want to be out of here ASAP after I am done working. There was snow in the field Tuesday. I got soaked. My rain pants are no longer waterproof. I need to take them back to R.E.I. in Sacramento. Ok. My boots are no longer waterproof. My space heater died. I made the man plastic the windows and bring up the baseboard heater from the basement.

It’s all crappy and rainy. I just want to stay in bed all day and try to work out the years of sexual frustration. He is intelligent, but I can tell he doesn’t have the discerning scientific mind I do. He put bath salts in the bath this morning and they made the water green because there was some sort of copper mineral in them, but if you put just a cupful of water and looking at it, there wasn’t enough to refract a green color. However I was holding it over the tub, and he was like, “But it’s green if you look straight down on it.” Oh no, that’s the bath water. He couldn’t figure out my ghetto stove either. Seriously, why am I paying $465 a month in rent again?

Somebody looks very happy to be an almost free man. But I just could not bring myself to write him. There’s the whole issue with her supreme demon spawness so even if he were to come back home, I still wouldn’t get to see my kid and I cannot afford to be a parent in any case. It’s not right for her to make me pay child support if he were living with me. Just because you went through pregnancy and labor, you’re not entitled to my wages, especially when I want him here. Ok.

But so what, what, what have I done!?! Not going to Morrison, leaving Mt. Shasta for anywhere but northern Colorado has really, really, really made things turn unexpectedly. Sometimes I want to vomit as my body, my physical need to be loved, to be warm, to be dry, to be fed, takes me far from the course that my rejected emotions would take me, but then, I am not wanted in West Tennessee, even if that’s where my heart is, even if those two… own me. I belong to them, but not the other way around. I also belong to this land, and the land claim is stronger by far than wishy-washy emotions. The land brings forth a king and there was something ancient in the claim by which he took me. There is no darkness, not even a blade dance, just practicality. Oh, but I forfeit the brilliance! I understand why it came to be at all, because this spring, it was a practicality, bringing him closer to that place he is going. Distance may make my heart grow founder, but boys… are looking for convenience. If I belong to this land, then it makes sense that I should belong to one who resides in this land, obviously. I can no more uproot my boys from their homeland than I can tear myself away from this place. But the homebrews, the disc jockeying, the installation of thermostats, the woodworking, hunting, baking, firefoxing, funkiness, snowboarding, adventuring… survival skills, sincerity, wildland fire fighting, and archaeology are only one slice of my pie. I need the music fixation and that thing, that telepathic mindmeld lovely sweet fuck whose very thoughts alone have brought me to my knees before. He’s not mad, but the supernova of the last week has surely sent up a shield against my disbursement throughout the galaxy. Thanks to the Google Skymap app, we now know that was not Jupiter.

I love you all, with all my heart. That’s how it’s like.

And the difference between boys and men… there comes a time when we all compromise, because practicality breaks us down into the dust. For now, for now, the eternal now. I cannot think of the future, or even of tomorrow.

He comes with an offering to the spring.

A wish,

A dream,

A prayer,

for joy

For purpose

a longing for fulfillment

All the naiads seem to have been forgotten

This holiness inherent

in a portal between worlds

But she is the first to sleepily break the surface

and finding sincerity in the gift

She lingers

In both of them

Awakening the ancient protocol

of balance

They signal acceptance of this bestowal

Know thyself…

This Week’s Synchronicities

Steamboat Springs

and

also

Prescott, AZ and rock climbing.

Learning How to Hold On

This definitely seemed like it was a higher message. The higher message, “You have to learn how to hold on if you want to climb.” B. signed me up for a class called “Learning How to Hold On”. It was for rock climbing. I was really happy that he paid for this class for me and he was really excited that I was happy about it and wanted to do this.

“Oh I’m so glad. I wasn’t sure if you were into that sort of thing, but I needed a partner, so…”

Then we were in a restaurant near some box stores in the northern suburbs of Chicago, like Libertyville.

It all makes me wonder about things on a soul level. It makes me regret leaving Mt. Shasta, not going to Morrison.

My baby was with me today, the soul thing, epic love. I screwed up so, so bad. Makes me want to vomit. Surely if he ever cared for me, I’ve hurt him, but I always figure that was just a dream too, and in any case, long since past. Even if February was like last week to me, it surely hasn’t been that way for everyone else. Just no one else makes me feel that way. And what reason could there be for it? Like this energy that is my true being, the same irrational way B. ends up in a spiritually profound dream. With this message though, I feel like if there were any way for me to make amends…

Also, if you let go, you have no anchor, and then everything unravels.

And then I get to talk to him and know where he is. Universe, I love you!

God’s Country

Well, I’ll be. Sometimes you find polyamory references in the damnedest of places. Paint Your Wagon 1969. Oh, and Clint Eastwood is real easy on the eyes, but I about bust a gut at this one scene.

Well, I lived with a man who had two wives. Why can’t a woman have two husbands?

Out here we kind of make up our own rules as we go along.

Now I need the software so I can record out that one little clip. It would be an alright movie, but for the whole musical thing.

Still, 40 years later and we’ve gone backwards.

But I ain’t ain’t ain’t givin’ up on ma honeys til they tell me to take myself to hell or until the universe pushes my heart along somewhere else. It’s such a fierce and pure love I carry and I know, I feel as though still we may spend the winter apart, or at least I will be on my own for awhile longer, but this is what I am pulling, aiming for, and how I would so much rather to stay here in Jefferson than to ever go back east. It jest ain’t right, going backwards. Forwards or quantum transfers, but backwards, naw dawg, that ain’t me.

P.S. It’s gotten fucking cold in the house. If I do spend the winter here… I just don’t understand why I don’t have a wood stove in here. It’s not even below freezing yet. I’ve still got two more blankets and could be dressed warmer, but long sleeves and long pants with a wool blanket is not enough. Time for hats and wool socks. Summer was far too short this year. This is what happens on cloudy days.

G6

Say wha!?! Like a G6!

The next question remains, where the FUCK are my bullet trains?!? If you bought a G6 instead of investing in bullet trains or teletransporters, I cut you, you best recognize. Oil guzzler…. cuz you can be sure they don’t have a green electric version.

Quadruple Rainbow

I had this intense, long dream this morning. Between about 3 a.m. and dawn. It is hard to remember it all, but there was this striking quadruple rainbow. I was trying to get my camera out to take a picture because it was so amazing. I wanted to take a picture because I thought no one would believe me (ego) and just to share the breath-taking awesomeness of it. I was somewhere in the mountains here, maybe at Castle Crags. (This makes sense because all yesterday at work B. was talking about going hiking there today. I was quite glad to stay in and allow my brain to defrag and my muscles to stretch and relax. I didn’t accomplish much beyond a few loads of laundry and half cleaning the kitchen.)

The other insanely beautiful thing in my dream was this cove or lagoon at twilight that was an intensely brilliant emerald green. I felt as though I were near Arcata Bay or somewhere between Arcata and Crescent City. Twilight faded and the stars were amazing! 50x better than anything I’ve seen in real life. Like imagine breaking a glowstick and spilling it into the sky, that was the milky way. I had this thought, “So they really were stars and not spaceships after all.” Fidel arrives to join me then. And remember the star that led the wise men to Christ? There were two stars with like waves of light emitting from them, arms of glowing light like luminous celestial starfish. OMG! But then, the cove was by a city park, and they were having a Halloween carnival at the park, in this brick paved placed called “The Quad.” The energy of other people and the noise from rides was grating on me and the lights washed out the amazing stars.

I tell Fidel there is no point in being there anymore. We both leave and go our separate ways. I am walking back home along the coast and that strange light/twilight at night is going on. Taylor is looking for me, but the tide is rising, so going around this concrete wall, full of barnacles and starfish is not a safe route for him to take. There is something about a grocery store, a big ass one like WinCo or Pick’n’Save. We finally catch up to each other.

We are in a bedroom, but the bed is lofted. In spite of everything, I am glad to see him, and openly affectionate, even though I was at first pissed off that he had found me in Humboldt. (He met me on Humboldt. Hee?!?) The bed is lofted and all the light fixtures are old fashioned looking. I tell him it is bad timing, that I don’t have the time to spend that he really needs or that we need for this to work and I’m still tripping about the rainbow and stars. THE STARS! FUCK! Well, it gets graphic. We are in this lofted bed and I am laying on my stomach and he barely gets the tip of his penis inside of me. I am slick, wet thinking, “Great, I am probably ovulating. This really needs to not happen now.” But it’s been ages since I’ve had sex because Andy still hasn’t made it out here, and I haven’t had an opportunity to go back there. We barely get started and then the lights go out. So I am fiddling with the lights. It’s like this story I wrote before where my psychic abilities control technology but Taylor is trying to tell me the grid is down and come back to bed. He was crying because he missed me. Something inside him was breaking and had we not been interrupted I would have likely reopened wounds and been crying too. While I am fiddling with the lights there is a knock on the door and my phone starts beeping like crazy with text messages. I tell him I’m sorry, but I have to go.

I get home and Cheri seems upset because the owner, who is my upstairs neighbor in this quad-plex is taking furniture out that Cheri had been using for decades that she’d lent to me. The owner’s daughter had just lost her place and so he was like, “Gotta take care of family first.” I’m thinking, “Great, “I don’t have a family to look out for me. What is left of them is thousands of miles away and they don’t care or understand.” I’m like, “Please leave my bed. Please.” I am anxious to get back to a proper love-making session with Taylor. So some of the texts are from Muir. He heard about the rainbow pictures and my pictures of the cove. (Now I remember having futzed with a tripod to take night photos of the stars.) Strangely this is a tactic to get closer to me emotionally because he is interested in me. I am thinking, “What happened to all this Jesus nonsense?” and I was all mixed up because I loved sharing this photography passion with him and was attracted to him, but suddenly here is the man who would have been my husband back home and I find that we still love each other and there might be some kind of a chance. However, there is all this chaos going on with my house. So we briefly meet and then I am home again, relived to find that my bed has been taken but dude bought me a new mattress and box-spring so that I would have a comfortable place to sleep. There is something about three windows in the room and how I will move the remaining furniture so that I can open the best window to let air in when it is warm. But put up the stained glass in window that will allow light to pass through them and not have to move them if I open the windows. I have the blue one Andy painted and gave to the Captain and which I ended up bringing home. I made some new ones since the frog one.

I have a balcony here that runs the length of the house. Both the owner and I have doors that open out onto it.

I don’t know what to make of this all. Stressing about moving, Taylor getting out, the fifth world manifesting, but not quite completely, being on the coast?

Pain

Everything remained nonsense, insane. There were too many people. I had no idea where I was or how I got there, but I found him, my one friend here. He helped me find a place for the night and once we’d gotten that straightened out he took me down to the porch. In the dusk we sat in the porch swing and I laid my head against his chest and began to cry.

It’s okay. She will understand. You just need to be comforted. She’s my lady. She has nothing to worry about, but you are my friend and you need to be held and have a shoulder to cry on right now.

And then my alarm went off.

I’m getting to the no one is listening point again, maladaptive… Distant roads are calling me, but I fear for us all if I am bound for New Mexico.

Together

A poet

A pianist

A farmer

A lover

A brother

A friend

A future father

A cat lover

A chef

A masseuse

A musician

A muse

A mystic

A reader

A thinker

A doer

A tester

A grower

A sharer

A wayshower

A scientist

A d.j.

A dreamer

Could it be

Oh could it be you?

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