Rambling Man AKA Roma Tomatoes, Feta Cheese, and Balsamic Vinegar

Every summer I die and swoon over garden tomatoes and balsamic vinegar. Gimmie gimmie acid to alkalize? I’m not sure what it is about this combination that makes me like an addict that can’t get enough, but here I am, again. Maybe I like to add in some bread, cheese, avocado, or wine now and then. Although, I’ve decided avocados are mucous producing (more than cheese even), so I’m avoiding them for now. I’m sort of even grossed out by them at the moment.

Ascension process post-fifth world:

Oh, so you thought you’d ascended did you little one? Ha! That was just a layer of the fucking onion.

Why, well, um, thanks?

As far as manifestation, in 2009, especially the second half of 2009, whatever your heart’s desire, BHAM! there it is! Paradise truly felt like paradise. Except for that whole pesky, “I’m going to get laid off at some point in the next few to several months” thing.

2010 felt mostly like either “I’m lost. Where are the damn maps!?! Where is the captain?” or “I’ve made a horrible, grave mistake.”

2011 was like “Holy mother-fucking shit balls!!!!!!!!”

2012 was like “I can’t take this anymore! Please oh please, please please please. Okay, um house? Check (finally about time!)” I also came to realize there’s this happy little place between the Pacific Ocean, Sacramento, Reno, and Medford/Bend that I really ought to stay in. I can go further south, but only if I’m in the mountains or desert. The San Joaquin Valley is freak out time. The Bay Area is to be avoided. East of the Mississippi lies hell. I need to stay put. I’m in love with the land. I don’t get it. That’s just the message. I’m in love with the man that came with the land. I’d abandon things I’d placed on my bucket list at age 4 (didn’t know you called it a bucket list back then) to come home to him.

2013, you realize that you are the navigator of the ship you’re on. You knew that before, but your partner, who you thought was the captain is actually only the chef. You are on a ship, alone in the cosmos with a navigator and a chef. You know where you are, or how to get where you think you are going anyhow and you have delightful food and drink along the way. Maybe you don’t need a captain if the war is over, and what do first mates do anyhow?

I’m really having a time right now of feeling secure because I feel like the majority of the planet is still where I was pre-2008 (or not even on the freaking map, staircase, etc.). Therefore, society finds me of little worth. Since I am not a producer or maker or robot or cog, I get nothing. Everything is still scarcity and lack. Since abundance is old hat, I’m disconnected. My faith is weak. I feel I am fighting still to keep the masses from sucking me under. The battles continue. I believe, but when everyone around me is NO NO NO NO NO, well… what that does to a being….

My Heart’s Desires – ala Sacha Sterling

1. Different (better) job

2. Employer provided health insurance (no extra charge for tobacco, spouse or dependents all included, low-deductible, low co-pay)

3. DEBT  FREE

4. high clearance 4 wheel drive vehicle

5. blood orange tree

6. more raised beds

7. kitty kat (s) – Ragdoll from Auburn breeder, sisters from same litter

8. drip irrigation system

9. Vitamix

10. Kio pond and/or swimming pool

11. teletransporter

12. a bikini top in G+ cup size that folds down small for backpacking

13. Solar dehydrator

14. Spiralizer

15. And while we’re asking, how about a week at Heavenly of private snowboard instruction?

16. Mossbrae music festival 2013?

17. more backpacking trips: Trinity Alps, Marble Mountains, Russian Wilderness, Yolla Bollas, Warners

18. local ice ring and figure skating lessons

19. a life straw

20. one of those in line filter thingies

21. a bigger pack

22. toe socks, for hiking

23. two hens?

24. an upright tiger oak piano

25. more and taller tomato cages for next year

26. snowboard wax and tune

27. ski wax and tune

28. Scott Valley bluegrass festival 2014?

Observations:

  • There’s not a lot a desire right now beyond a job that is satisfying.
  • I believe I deserve all these things.
  • I believe the landscaping things are possible, but probably won’t happen for 6 months to a year from now.
  • Pool and koi pond could be decades off. I’m not sure we have room for both. I might want the space more to grow food. Living close to Whiskeytown and having a kiddie pool is a nice compromise.
  • I think I only want 1 through 3 at a 10. I give them a probability factor of less then 6 in the current reality. Some of the things I want less are more probably and I will get them sooner.
  • The Vitamix is a few months out I think. I really want it to make soup with. I am going to have a butt load of winter squash.
  • A solar dehydrator is in the realm of possibility.
  • This all makes me think I am definitely heading more and more to the 80-10-10 raw vegan world. Mr. X even ordered vegetarian pizza last time he got pizza for us. I’ve done pretty well committing to be a vegetarian for the last 6 weeks. It’s not important to label myself that way, I just don’t think I need to eat meat right now, and when and if I do feel I need to eat meat again, I’d like to know where it came from. I find it hard to resist temptation while backpacking (but I figure it’s like a condiment and I probably need it then), when Mr. X cooks for me, and in social situations in which there is meat. I try to avoid social situations where I know there will be food I don’t typically eat and I try to bring raw fruit (or veggies) to share as much as possible.
  • I could put more bucket-list/travel type stuff on here, but given that I turned down my best opportunity so far to go to Sequoia National Park, something I wanted to do since I was 3 or 4 years olde, to come home to Mr. X because that’s what I wanted to do more.¬† I guess my relationship and home life takes precedence over most bucket list type things.
  • Backpacking and more ways to prepare raw foods seem pretty important.
  • Yeah I should just go to the bluegrass festival. Who the fuck cares that I was thinking of doing other, less expensive things with other people this weekend?
  • I should stop swearing so much, but it just feels good, you know?

English

Well Teagan, given that you’ve got family in Medford, what do you think are the chances that your grandpappy is descended from the Eugene English family? You got it on all sides didn’t you boy? Reading Reminiscences of a Pioneer by Colonel William Thompson makes me think my days in the Oregon outback ain’t over yet. Maybe you will move back west when you are grown.

Thoughts on Motherhood

  • There are pros and cons to accidental conception.
  • Planning to pass on faulty genetic material seems foolish.
  • Is your job going to let you take your infant to work?
  • Will you be able to pump?
  • THERE ARE OVER 7 BILLION people on this planet!!!
  • It takes a village to raise a child.
  • Some biological mothers failed to bond with their child and yet there is no love greater than the love a mother has for her child. What does this say about my mother? What does that say about me?
  • The best time in your life to experience pregnancy and become a mother is in your early 20s, but some people manage it in their 30s or 40s and it’s fine.
  • If you wait until you are stable or financially secure (like that’s in the realm of possibility), your fertility may be questionable and certainly your ability to function on less than 4 hours of sleep without the aid of stimulants will not be what it once was.
  • Do you have a support network to help you take over when your patience is gone and your brain capacity is driveling out of your head in your buggers?
  • Will you be able to get up off of the floor without groaning and creaking? Will you be able to get down on the floor to begin with?
  • Do you think you can handle not giving in to the overwhelming urge to order take-out because you are so exhausted that the thought of preparing a meal when you’re this worn out makes your knees shake?
  • I think I will choose fictive grandmotherhood instead. I am going to be the bestest non-biological grandmother anyone ever had!

Death? Illusion or Just a Joke?

I am still in the denial stages a month later. I miss talking to you. I miss your humor. I miss your worldview. I am sad with a creeping knowledge that that particular take on things is gone from me but for in my dreams. I am shocked by an intimacy I never properly acknowledged before. I keep waiting, expecting that you come out; this was all a hoax. Did you commit suicide? Drown? Your old ticker just give out on the body you abused so badly a decade ago? I’ve always expected it coming before, knew death was stalking. You shared my suffering comrade. Inside my head is a scream, “Where are you!?!” And I take it all for both of us, for everyone you shared with. I can hardly stand up straight in the blinding sun, the blazing heat. It shimmers and it’s all I can do not to fall and give in to it too.