Vehicle

Let love be your transcendent vehicle.

Everything else is going to pot, crashing down around you. You’re drinking radio active water, eating radio active food, and so exhausted 24/7 that you can barely move. Most people around you are in a deep coma, watch television, and eat stuff that would kill you quick, like lick-it-dee spilt were you to eat it. There’s sheeple driving F-350s and non-sense everywhere you turn with only pin pricks of light. Upgrade now. Balance transfer now. On and on and on. Step back corporations, I only deal on the level.

Yet, you are the irrational, “bat-shit” crazy one?

Fuck that jazz. Take back your sovereignty, on your terms.

But I’ve said this all before. And if you are getting on this ship, I all ready threw the maps overboard. GPS is no longer allowed on this vessel, and the sextant is useless because the stars are shifting, which is why I threw out the maps anyway, and that the Captain abandoned the ship, but it’s all just a story.

It’s not what you do, but how you are.

Breaking Frustrations

Okay.

Last night I convinced myself that the reason I’ve been feeling unwell is because the downstairs neighbors are cooking meth. Jeremy keeps complaining of strange smells. “Did you fart? Did you throw the cabbage in the garbage? Did you not flush the toilet?” The dizziness, low-blood pressure, nausea, exhaustion seems to correlate with when they moved in. There were ridiculous amounts of trash for awhile, but I thought that was from other people in the building across the way moving. The downstairs people always have their front door open. They have a cot, big screen T.V., and card table for furniture. It’s just weird, and which is worse, addicts or dealers? I guess I’ll take the dealers. I’ve been so off point I thought I was pregnant though. Paranoia? I have been thinking a lot lately that it’s just moving down to the valley, but I’ve mostly felt off since Kentucky, so…

I cleaned the bike chains yesterday, but then didn’t feel up to taking the road bike out by myself. Jeremy is looking at cargo bikes. I felt and still feel bad for not getting any real exercise yesterday in favor of cleaning.

Okay, it’s almost 10, and I enjoyed immensely having a weekend, but… 2 more days, were I motivated and focused, I might just be able to bring everything back into control? Harmony?

How does one live life out of control? That’s fine. I can do that. But then trying to come back in to other people’s shared reality…. oh no no no no. I freak the fuck out!

Jeremy made chicken last night, and I ate it, and while it tasted delicious, it was really gross, like the smell on my hands after I eat it and I’m thinking, that is inside me now. I seem compelled to push for an answer as to why he feels the need to eat chicken when it is not fire season or winter, but how can I explain why I only want to eat fruit and dairy and leaves? Then I asked him why we couldn’t get rabbits or guinea pigs to eat, because if we are going to eat meat, I am sure getting sick of chicken. He gave me some non-sense about it not being culturally acceptable. And so?!?

I should be at work, I really need this time right now to be doing what I am doing.

It would be really nice to get back onto the dawn to dusk schedule. I feel that in looking for explanations for manifestations, I invited in the ickiees.

My favoritenesses of the weekend include:

Lemon curd candle! YES!

Lovey attention from Jeremy yesterday morning!

The sweet ass Scwhinn! Our wheels are our wings!

Strawberries!

Salad!

Wine!

Beer!

Bunny picture!

And it’s just like super abundance, so I don’t really have time to list all I am grateful for and I’m going to focus on that, even though there’s stuff that made me totally angry because the amazing stuff far far overwhelms the ick.

The opportunity to get some energies out through music. There is still this huge gap of frequency range I cannot find expression for and I for sure do not have time to be composing music, so I am really praying for someone to fill that gap.

I was going to say something about the dimensional flux and then watching this Carl Sagan thing, Cosmos, right, and the flatland example and how impossible it is to even get and what it’s like to be somewhere else, but I think it does really have to do with time being non-linear and urgh!

Also, I wanted to mention that there are mites on the chives and garlic. It’s funny that after joining the CSA I gave up on the idea of having my own garden this year, and of course now I am working full-time, that responsibility would have been really reaching.

So what I’d like to ask is for me to be able to find the optimal idle? rate? Or I just want to be satisfying and joyous with what I am able to accomplish, to feel that I have ample time and space to BE.

I never know what to title these anymore

So apparently I am menstruating. Which I am only saying because my basal temperature was 96.8, well below my typical 97.5 baseline and that I was awakened by cramps predawn, there’s no fresh red blood as yet. I drew a bath and tried to make a sauna. I thought I would sleep in the tub because it would be light out soon, but after about 45 minutes the sweating and Aleve brought the pain back to completely tolerable levels.

During my period is the only time I feel much compelled to write anymore. The pain is not too bad this time, but the exhaustion is unbearable. I will probably force myself to walk to work this afternoon, but I want to stay at the house. I am not opposed to working, I am just opposed to leaving. Yesterday I had myself 60% convinced I was pregnant. Melissa, you are a freaking retard. You are still in some physical body and certain chemical and physical laws still apply. The chances of me getting pregnant are about the chances of a major earthquake in Redding. Sure, it could happen, but will it? Don’t bet on it. I was looking forward to moving to Paradise and taking Pete the parrot to the park.

Mmmm. I am grossed out by the raw vegan thing almost as much as I am by processed food, although I approve it for other people, because I see how glow-ey they get, although some of them start to look emaciated… To never eat animal products, to never cook food? See, my face is crinkling up in EEWness now. However, I had to return to a high fruit diet to get my skin to behave. I can also eat raw vegetables besides leaves now. Partly I think it is that my activity levels and the amount of physical work I do has dropped but also it is the quality of food. I feel so very blessed to live where I do and be able to eat food fit to eat. So yeah, I cannot eat processed food anymore, or at least I don’t want to. I don’t want to eat meat anymore, but since Jeremy does, I still end up eating it. This is something we are going to have to discuss, because if I am not immensely more active, I do not want to eat meat.

I don’t really like to eat eggs or cheese or drink milk anymore, but for making a cream sauce or dressing or something. I still very much feel that I need cream and butter in my diet.

And fish, especially salmon.

I can’t really eat pasta anymore, but whole grain breads or brown rice (remember how I used to hate rice?).

But I must being doing well as far as nutrients go, because I haven’t craved anything in weeks. Jeremy seems to be good at guessing when I need salmon or avocados.

So anyway, part of this reflection is that I feel like the dairy fats help ground me and although I feel tired and exhausted all the time, I feel that if I were vibrating any faster, I would not be able to be here at all. As it is, I feel like time and space are unzipping themselves around me. If I leave any of my geographic anchor points, reality is so fucked up that it is worse than tripping. I have zero concept of time beyond the difference between now, and that already happened. There is no future, because the future is only the past that has been forgotten and when I remember it, it will become now.

I also feel that the grains provide my caloric needs because the universe does not want me to have a juicer yet and I am too freaking lazy to sit and chomp on veggies to get all those calories. Besides that, I still don’t think my digestive system can handle breaking down cell walls and all that. I have to stick to leafy greens for veggies. I am able to start eating small amounts of carrots again. Now if I had a normal lifestyle or a normal metabolism I would probably be fine, but I am a spaz, so no. I need close to 3,000 just to idle the engine.

So I have been able to perceive entities in the space between worlds, or how…. er… so the oily spots that someone was talking about on Transitions. Yes, they are hanging out in the oak trees outside my bedroom. Shimmer happens all the time. Constantly. It hurts to do down, which I have to do, or feel like I have to do to leave the house. I wish I could just make the space around me come up to me even though it’s not one of my anchor points. Or like I feel like I made a guy crash his bike Monday because I was trying to do that, but I think he just wanted to look up my skirt while I was walking by, or he crashed his bike so that I won’t have to crash mine. Anyhow, I lifted his bike out of the road and over the guardrail onto the bridge for him.

What happens when we become those higher dimensional beings ourselves? My mother was telling me what was going on in Wisconsin and it’s like that world literally does not exist anymore. It cannot exist here. This is not a parting of the veils where I like come down from the mountain to go shopping. This is a complete shifting and rift, and it’s like doing the splits over a growing chasm to maintain in both worlds. There will be a day coming soon, very soon in which I will no longer be able to operate in or communicate with that world of Koche brother and Walker regimes.

The eastern U. S. I feel like is one of the very darkest places in the universe right now.

Ponder. Ponder.

Churn Creek is becoming an anchor point, and as long as I stay near my watershed at least I will be able to feel a space in which I can be, however, this doesn’t really solve issues of navigation or interaction.

Like really, I want very badly to just have my work station show up in my home office right now, even though it’s sort of a mess left over from TFM.

Really, like I CAN’T drive my car on EARTH DAY, especially when it’s not raining.

Our IT guy is sick so, but after the pregnancy paranoia and knowing that I do have these stupid girl problems tripping me up at least every 4 weeks, I probably need to figure out how to telecommute to this job. I do fear that knowing I can log in to our server will mean that I take work home and spend even more time being panicky.

We are growing onions, potatoes, and chives on the balcony now, but Jeremy put magnesium on the potatoes. It made me frown.

Where and When and How the Fuck

Language and time fail me, so it seems from here.

I wonder what it is like when we or you or me becomes one of those “peculiar looking” familiar strangers that walk on by. You know what I’m talking about. Some people never see you, never acknowledge you. You exist in their ether. It’s so hard to buzz and focus in on them now, but then a stranger smiles, and you know that they are where you were when you were witness to the glowing ones. It’s pretty rad. It gives me hope that “teletransportation” is in my future.

It’s all mountains and rivers and clouds and avian cacophony with yellow-green pollen swirls over all inanimate objects and black soil teaming with micro-organisms. Life abounds and pulses and I spin and twirl and wobble.

And then there is the incomprehensible disconnection because of the inability to buzz and focus. The ones who had been a constant presence, everything is scatter-shot to multiple levels of out-of-touchness. They may be dead or fine and frisky, but you’d never know because you’re in this world and no one else has got here yet or they chose to go somewhere else and because almost no one came from where you’re from its lonesome and almost no one not from here has chosen to jump on this ride, but it’s fantastic because it can dissolve so easily, but just yet I’m not really navigating, so much as floating and observing. I already done did navigate and then I threw out the maps, just to see, what it would be like. So time stopped really, and I am still in those moments of last winter, going, seriously, what the fuck? This is so fucking cool! I am in paradise. Rock the fuck on!

Marathon

Sometime soon I think I will fall over or faint and just pass out for days. This “weekend”, I fell out of bed, literally and yesterday I stubbed my toe trying to get up off the couch. I tried, to little avail, to bring my home environment into some sort of “control” so that I could feel safe.

Thinking about work is keeping me up. I am lucky to have a job at all. Of course, things are vastly better in Northern California than anywhere else on the planet, but still, when Alex gets laid off, wow.

And then there is Teagan, who I want to desperately to be somewhere good, if not with me, then somewhere where he is loved and cherished.

And I really, really need new glasses and to get my hair done. It’s making me crazy.

Everything else besides those 4 things is inconsequential.

Liz says I over analyze everything.

I’m still playing the world according to Melissa, brought to you by unverified statistical analysis.

If I really was in the top 2%, intellectually speaking, in high school, why do I feel like a retard and have almost no grasp of language? How fucking stupid must everyone else be? And why are they not drowning in shitstorm right now?

Oh, and then the failure red light and sirens come on.

I don’t give a flying fuck anymore, at all!

Everything is utterly surreal and I’m so exhausted, all the time, for reasons unknown and incomprehensible to me. I am surrounded by insanity. There are not enough vitamins or water or time to heal me. I feel like I need to spend many hours a day sweating it out in a sauna or sweat lodge, napping, drinking gallons of water to get back in balance. I’m sick of falling off and getting back on. But there is no way to do it the right way and so I have to do it the retard way because it must be done, there is nothing to do but do it. Survival is all. Survival.

Anything beyond this moment, whether it is beautiful or not, is unknown, unknowable, incomprehensible. This moment is the essence of WOBBLE. A violent and unrelenting wobble and I don’t even want anymore than shear survival.

Where AM I? When AM I? And how did I get here? But then I have de j’ai vu and figure that I must supposed to be here, at least for now, even if I have no fucking idea where I am going or how the hell I got to be where I am.

But I can barely breathe. I can barely walk. I can barely talk. But I can, barely.

Hard Pack

The hard pack ice cream test was a success. I would love to be able to reintroduce the world to real ice cream, with my organic small scale dairy farm and on-site ice cream parlor featuring gourmet ice creams and forgotten soda fountain treats.

Adding lemon to the orange ice cream really made the flavor pop and this batch is almost like a better version of dreamcicle flavor. It’s not overpoweringly sweet because I only used 3 tablespoons of sugar for a 24.oz batch.

Ucky caca poo-poo. 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. was sucktastic.

I am going to go eat malted milk eggs now and try to be ready to be up at dawn, again.

Methinks the aquarium needs some really hard shaking. Now the preferred method is knocking boots, but COME ON folks, we’ve got honey bees to evolve and shit!

I am not sure if I really badly need new glasses, or if I just cannot read road signs anymore. Saturday everything seemed very crisp in the forest, and at Sand Flat Sunday, it was really weird. I could see freaking fir needles 100s of feet up in the air, but couldn’t see the snow survey signs until I was standing right in front of them.

Adventures in NorCal

Wow, whoa! I hope I can keep up with all this. I need reinforcements to help with laundry, dishes, and food preparation.

The first spectacular spring day at home yesterday and I slept through it because my train was 6 hours late and I couldn’t seem to sleep during that time, but I did get to have some decent, sleep-deprived conversations with folks while waiting.

I get to leave to go back to the capital tomorrow.

The 17th is my first day which I have thus far not scheduled any activities for.

Wobble, wobble

Look where you’re going, not where you’re at.

Two pieces of french toast, a bowl of orange ice cream, and two glasses of milk is all I’ve had to eat all day. I’m not sure how far we rode tonight, but I have no energy or desire left to try to consume the rest of the calories. All I want to eat right now is smoked salmon, avocado, and hummus, and perhaps some bread type thing with the hummus, and perhaps some juice. I really wish I had a magic juicer because there are a ton of apples, and I just can’t go through the effort of cutting and chewing right now.

Hmm, see Monday morning I wanted to write up more of my observations from my Sacramento trip, but by now, they no longer seem relevant. Experienced and processed. ZOOOM zoom!