Just the thought of it makes my suicidal. I don’t want unemployment. I want a real job. It makes me feel so insecure. It makes me feel as though I am a worthless entity. Why is it that what I have to offer is not valuable enough to ensure my survival? Shouldn’t I just do the world a favor and remove myself? Clearly, I have failed. I have failed on my own lifepath. I have failed in creating a harmonious, sustainable world to support other entities. What do I do? Where do I go? Is it even warranted to have faith there will be a next season? How can I possibly see this in a positive light? I do not have anyone to fall back on. I don’t have family to go to in times of trouble. It’s just me.

Anyhow, I’ve got about 3 or 4 days left, two more small paychecks.

I shudder to think what I have to do to even get unemployment as a federal employee in California. It just pisses me off with all the time and effort I spent this summer trying to ensure this would not happen.

What would be nice is a phone call on Monday informing me that I got the job at Mad River or Golden Pond, Kentucky. That’s what I want universe. I don’t see any other viable options available here. I’ve already tried the unrealistic, unfathomable options.

I also don’t see any point in moving to the coast or going to Austin or Milwaukee if I am going to need to be back here in the middle of May. UGH!

Honestly, most people are worse off and in more precarious situations than me, although with way less debt, but it doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make it less frustrating.

I don’t like starving. I don’t like not having toiletries. I don’t like freezing all winter. I don’t like wearing bras that don’t fit. I don’t like wearing holey, raggedy clothes.

Take for example Joe. He is still operating under the (false) assumptions of the old paradigm. Hang in there. It will get better. Put your April and May expenses on your credit card. You will be able to pay it off once you are working again. You’ll get a permanent job sooner or later. You’re well on your way. Yeah, discretionary funds are frozen. It’s a good thing they need archaeologists for fuels management and watershed restoration.

Meh. With what I have left and my next two paychecks, I should be able to make it through March. I should be getting some kind of tax refund, but I’m afraid it will be significantly less than last year because I made too much money.

At some point I should have about 7 days worth of training to do.

Maybe we will get to start prefield for our other contract before the snow melts.

If anybody has any work for me, please let me know. I’ll be completely available as of the 15th.

Some people look forward to unemployment as a time to catch up on stuff or have some quality “me” time. I am not one of those people. I’d rather be doing manual labor for nothing.

I wait,

fear has the taste of metal,

scarcity has the feel of sick,

bless me Goddess for I am your child,

it is too cold in this place.