Over the mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,”
The shade replied –
“If you seek for Eldorado!

I have begun looking for other employment. I’m beginning to feel like pound scum settling. Right now there are 3 possible choices, but nothing for certain, and for once, and perhaps the first time in my life, I could choose, because all 3 possibilities would most likely ensure immediate survival as defined by enough calories, fresh water to drink, and a warm, dry place to sleep. Do I give up a permanent job for a temporary job that pays more money? Do I go back “home” to take an adjunct faculty position that may or may not pan out? Do I stay here and be content with settling?

I suppose just the fact that I was looking shows that I have no faith my current position will ever afford me what I truly desire, and it will be just getting by, on and on.

It’s as clear as mud.

If I could know what I wanted, maybe it would be easier, but at this time, my heart is empty of desire and longing. I am blocked by frustration. The dream is meaningless because I’ve already lost it all and there is no striving because the time is slow to come, even though all the events come too quickly, action would be pointless when nothing is in place.


How a Rut Becomes a Caynon

  • Some successful people have done hurtful things to me in order to get to, or maintain their position of power. Therefore, I feel that in order to be successful, one must be an asshole.
  • If there were any successful people I knew who were not assholes, then they are insanely positive almost all of the time. They do not let anything get to them.  They never find fault within themselves and are never quick to gather the glory for their achievements. They just plunk along.
  • Then there are other people who just plunk along, but who are not happy or positive. Like Mr. X they are just sickeningly neutral. What’s the point of that?
  • I am coming from a position of insecurity. I feel that everyday I go to work it could be my last day. That every pay check I get could be my last. I don’t make enough money to cover more than my basic expenses, aka contractual obligations.  Every time I find a piece of clothing that is too holey to be worn in public, and I cut it into rags, I wonder how many months or years it will be before I will be able to replace it. I wonder how people on minimum wage survive. I wonder how they motivate themselves to go to work.  I have done without, and without hope of being secure, that it is impossible for me to feel secure.
  • There is this job open in the field that my other Masters’ degree is in. I want to apply for it even though I haven’t worked in that field in over five years, even though I never had that particular job, because it pays twice as much as my current job, and if you add in the full-time part, then it pays two and half times as much, and has health insurance, vision, dental, and retirement! However, I don’t even know where to start.
  • Well, I do know where to start, I went and interviewed to volunteer for a similar position somewhere else yesterday, but it won’t really help me in time for this job application.
  • References? I feel like no one will serve as a positive reference for me. My current employer might think I’m decent enough, but they don’t want to lose me, or pay me more. Since most of my jobs have been temporary, my supervisors have long since moved on to other positions. Do you get your boss’ boss’ boss to serve as your reference? What about friends? I just really don’t think I have any good references anymore. I cannot think of three people I would feel comfortable asking and would be confident that they could provide a positive referral.  Almost four years out of school and it seems ridiculous to ask professors to serve as references, and besides, I don’t think they would give me a good reference.
  • Just because you have the required degree, does not necessarily mean you already possess the skills necessary to perform the job. Even if you can teach them to yourself or learn them within a few months’ time, how do you get around that in a resume or interview?
  • I really feel like my degrees are useless and my career is permanently dead-ended.  I never had one to begin with, and after 18 years of working Mickey Mouse jobs and 10 years of higher education, I have nothing to show but three useless pieces of paper and an assload of debt.
  • I’m sick of Facebook, because there are all these snobby ass people I went to school with. I call them the “IF ONLY” people. “Well, Nadeanna. If you would only just…” As if I hadn’t already done what they’re suggesting, as if somehow mental illness and chronic pain were not actual barriers keeping me outside of the normal, middle class, successful life of children and home ownership.
  • I often wonder, given my seemingly ever-increasing stupidity, how I ever managed to graduate from college, let alone finish grad school. Would I have graduated without special accommodations? Would I have finished school if I had been un-medicated the entire time? Are these real disabilities, or is it just that my attitude needs serious re-adjustment?
  • I have extreme difficulty finding the resources I need to complete any task.  I haven’t done anything I’m proud of for quite some time. I am ashamed of nearly everything I do.
  • Finally, what do I really want? Well, today, I’d just like my digestive tract to return to normal. I had terrible, terrible bloating start Sunday morning.  There was gas too, but not awful. Now it’s turned into terrible, terrible heartburn.  Prior to all this, I’d been getting pretty serve cramping about 3 to 5 hours after eating. This summer it would only be when I ate “heavy” foods like meat or dairy or deep fried or processed food.  Then in the last month or so, since starting the Nuvaring, it would be anything I ate. Then I started waking up in the wee, small hours of the morning in pain, with intestinal cramps, as though I’d eaten Pizza Hut or some shit for dinner.  This week that has turned into 24-7 bloating and heartburn.  Walking helped the last two days, but then it came back. The probiotics sort of helped the bloating, but not the heartburn. I would have thought if it was a bug, there would have been vomiting, and I ought to be getting better by now.  I guess I don’t care about anything else much as long as this is going on. I still want a kitty or kitties. I want to be able to sleep every night, all the way through. I want to be able to replace my bike rack. I want to feel safe and secure and loved. I want to have a warm, dry, quiet, dark, comfortable place to sleep, but all this is secondary to my body functioning properly.  Are cramps worse than digestive problems? Is this shit happening because of the Nuvaring? I don’t know the answers to these questions, so I suppose I must suffer.