De Dead Things

Yes, I most definitely have a penchant for men that like gun-smithing and cooking dead animals.


Glowed in the Dark

There used to be, and possibly still is, a deep sea exhibit at the Milwaukee Public Museum. The museum was one of my favorite places, but I only got to go there once or twice a year, if that. Every night before the trip, I would get all excited about going to the deep sea exhibit, solely because it had a black light, because I was utterly entranced by things that glowed. I was also obsessed with fireflies, glow sticks, glow-in-the-dark stickers, etc. (This is what I’m thinking about as I am not falling asleep).

This reminds me of another field trip that we took to the airport. I was probably in 2nd grade. I remember that we got to see a plane come in for landing, and (whoa! and what do I just hear? a plane coming into land!) saying, “I hope it crashes.” So my mother and some of my friends’ mothers were completely appalled.

Disconcerted mother: That’s a terrible thing to say.

Me: But why? It would be cool to see it crash.

Mother: There are people on that plane. What do you suppose might happen to them if the plane crashed?

Me: Well, I suppose they would get hurt and some of them might die.

Mother: Well why would you wish that?

Me: I just wanted to see it.

So then I feel bad because I’ve obviously said something inappropriate and now have the scornful disapproval of not only my own mother, but one or two of my friends’ mothers. Clearly, I was an emotionally disturbed child because I didn’t have any value to human life. I thought it was expendable, that I was expendable. I thought that if people were doing bad things, they should just be killed and removed to be kept from hurting other people. I never, ever that day thought about those peoples’ loved ones. At that point in my life it was inconceivable to me that anyone would care very much if someone were to die. This is also one of those days where I learned that it was best to just keep my mouth shut, because I always seemed to garner this sort of response whenever I spoke my mind. My desires, musings, and analyses were not welcomed, even when they were not so abhorrent. They were uncomfortable to everyone around me. I make people uncomfortable. While I may not have been a devil child, the concept of changeling does hold some appeal. The wanton destructive of human life for my own amusement was okay, but cutting the branches off of a tree to make room for a power-line made me physically ill. Okay, go figure.

But the whole reason I was thinking about the glow-in-the-dark thing is that I went to Mt. Shasta today. I stopped at Tauhindauli Park on the way up, but they had taken the port-a-potties out for the winter already. I had been planning to sit on my rock and finish reading The Alchemist, and maybe take a pear for a snack, but I had to pee so freaking bad, so I just walked to the rock, saw it was there as it should be, and proceeded back to the Chevron to relieve my bladder.

I was feeling tired and like, “Hey, who am I kidding? I don’t belong here anymore. I can’t believe I have to drive up to a small alpine town to get freaking laundry soap because no place in Redding sells Era. We don’t really need black-strap molasses anyhow.” There’s those pesky persistent contrails making the sky all milky, and everything’s hazy. The fall foliage is a dried-out yellow or brown color as there hasn’t been a frost yet.

Get to Mt. Shasta. Find Era at Ray’s. Sweet, I do not have to drive to Yreka. Discover Mountain Song is gone. Proceed to Berryvale. Now my mood begins to lighten, because they were totally cool about pre-weighing mason jars so I could put bulk foods in them. The beggar outside is not some pathetic leach, but merely a partially toothless lady who seemed reasonably intelligent, so I didn’t begrudge giving her a dollar.

Here the big leaf maples are a little more colorful. I go to the Shasta house and Joe is waiting outside. We exchange books and I stick around long enough to make sure Arron Rodgers gets the Pack back on top. When I leave, I feel perfectly peaceful and rejuvenated. The house, Joe, and Mt. Shasta all together…

I mean, I’ve been agitated plenty of times while living in Mt. Shasta, but it never could last long. There’s just peace bubbles and natural beauty and love blasting you in your own bubble. People have these little pillars connecting them to their higher selves and to the collective, and in Mt. Shasta, those little light pillars are generally much purer. People just are more laid back, self-aware, and kind. I come down out of Mountain Gate and I’m hit with the full force of all the sorrow and ignorance of the central valley. My neighbors are mostly crazy, and while I think they are generally kind, like they aren’t likely to get off on other people’s suffering, or at least on random strangers’ suffering, they are dirty, lost, addicted, petty…

Here I feel crowded and agitated. That’s the general ambiance.

In Mt. Shasta it is impossible to forget that everything is inherently holy. Everything happens so synchronistically that it would be beyond belief if you were aware of all the coincidences, but not aware of how they work.

Reading The Alchemist, dude’s all like, “Follow your heart. Follow your heart.”

Well, fucking A! My heart is in Mt. Shasta. I think it’s like in the backyard at that house. It’s on top of Soda Creek Ridge. It’s at AH-DI-NAH. It’s in the upper Sacramento River canyon. I measured my days by how the mountain changed. Could I see it? How much snow was there? Was it pink, orange, blue, brown, gray, purple, violet? How strong was its astral twin and the violet ray?

Something profound happened to me there. After I finished the mission to which I’d been dreamed for, suddenly there I am completely responsible now for my own dream. It no longer was or is written by the hand of god. I lived out my personal mythos, and to continue trying to live out the stories of the place from where I came and where I wish with all my heart and soul to return to now, would be like banging my head against a wall. It’s done. The story was told and it was embodied. The word was made flesh and dwelt among us. Okay, right the Christ story is another big thing. There’s the big umbrella of Source but there are multitudes of layers of divinity in between. I feel like now, an angel with training wheels. I don’t think that angels need cell phones, because they just do everything as Spirit compels them and as it is given by God. So listening to your heart is good, because God can speak through your heart. However, once you’ve completed your quest and found the holy grail, you can’t keep trying to live your “Personal Legend”. You did it. Yay! Go you!

So sometimes it would be nice to ring up Matt. “Hey Matt, how did you figure out this guardian/angel thing?”

Haha! So, Matt says, “Nadeanna, you have always been a guardian. You just no longer need a guardian.

Nadeanna: Wow Matt, that was fast! I didn’t think I’d been hearing from you so easily like that again.

Matt: That I could answer.

So getting to what I hope is my final musing for the day or week, my heart does not in fact lie with a person. Of course I had some great enamor-ment for my dreamer which thankfully has matured into primarily respect. There’s still longing and love, but it’s different. The urgency and ego clingy-ness of it is gone. I’m starting to make up words now, look out! But I find that more than any one person, my heart is here in a place I’d never been to before I got here. I belong to forest and rivers, not to any human heart. Now I am more sleepy, so hopefully I can rest.

May This Be Love

Waterfall, nothing can harm me at all. My worries seem so very small with my waterfall. I can see my rainbow calling me through the misty breeze of my waterfall.

After deciding on Freedom Tooth and giving up on the possibility of military enlistment (for once and for all) after having my ass floored by menstrual cramps, and making Bartlet and Golden Delicious juice and hearing “I Saw You Blink” which is the answer to “Fuck You Lucy” hahaha! hahaha! (I will see you next life angel, that is if we don’t make it to be octogenarians (whoa! I can’t believe I spelled that correctly on the first try!) at World Market and being given the green light to get like 2 quarts of black strap molasses at Berryvale and hopefully Era at Ray’s and being set up to give my first woodwind lesson in about 8 years… so I think I am going up the mountain tomorrow.

She say that she still want a friendship. She can’t live her life without me as a friend. Everyone in his life would mistake it as love. I got stuck! I want to stand on top of this mountain and yell. The last starfighter is wounded. Gonna take it further. The sunshine is fake. How much time did I waste? No I’m not okay. And the truth can be a bitch. You should get a tattoo that says “Warning.” I’m gonna have a drink and have another while you think about how you used to be my lover.

I get all numb when she says it’s over. Such a strange numb and it brings my knees to the earth. And God bless you all for the song you sang us. You’re the same numb when you sing it’s over. Such a strange numb it could bring back peace to the Earth. So God bless you all for the song you sang us. For the hearts you break ever time you moan. I get all numb. We’re the same numb and it brings our knees to the Earth.
She haunts the roads she waits for no face her arms red and injured she wants to raise but she can’t til we have faced I’ve cut your armies down you wait I wait outside awake I’ll cut your your armies and turn your heart you wait I will wait outside I wait I wait she haunts the road she waits for new face

I caught the sun on my way home when I got lost in thinking and I missed the train on my way home cuz I was still day dreaming. Lucy I can’t stop myself from wondering, “Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?” What would I see if I looked in through the window? If I looked deep through the colored glass? Lucy could you really be the one that I’ve been wishing on? And I climbed up the hill when I got home and I faced out toward you. What are you thinking over there?

The truth is I haven’t shook my shadow. Digging your trenches. Meet me with a dumb mind. If you can’t stand to feel the pain, then you’re senseless. Your darkness is shining. My darkness is shining. I’ll tell you about a secret I’ve been undermining. All my enemies are turning into my teachers. Shining through the love. My loneliness. Love me. Love my love. Truth.”

Then Morricone Ennio ties it back together, as the gateways are crumbling all around us, at the last frontier, you were the echo of the story all along, because you were the one who created the emotion that caused the dream that brought me into being.


So I go to the dentist today. It took all I could manage to scrape together in 4 months time, plus money from my parents, for a cleaning and two fillings.

Then, although this was mentioned before, on my next visit to get 2 more fillings done, there is a possibility that one of them will require a root canal and crown. I am not sure exactly how much this would cost, as I haven’t gotten an estimate, but probably around $1,500. That’s like an entire month’s take home pay.

I am drowning in debt and desperately, desperately need to file for bankruptcy, but I don’t have $1,500 to file for bankruptcy and that will be a nightmare.

I have no bed.

I am seriously considering giving up my phone when my contract is up and not replacing it, not with a land line, not even with a pay-as-you-go mobile.

I am seriously considering selling my car.

I am seriously considering having them simply extract the tooth because that would be significantly less expensive than the root canal and crown.

I have two master’s degrees and a bachelor’s degree. I have a job, but I can’t even afford to go hiking anymore, because I can’t afford the half of tank a gas a week to go up to the mountains. My heart is broken that I will not be skiing, snowboarding, or ice skating this winter.

I have no way to get my saxophones from Tennessee and Wisconsin to California.

If I even think I want to go to the weddings in 2013, I’m going to be walking and/or hitch hiking. It will take roughly 2 months to walk 2,000 miles, so I will need to take 4 months off work.

Plus I am having female health problems and I have no idea where that’s going, but I know I don’t have money for it.

Probably slowly dying from uterine cancer would be a blessing. It would give me an excuse to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want.

My life is so completely and utterly hopeless right now.

I feel like a complete slave and I am completely miserable.

Somebody’s Crying

I feel like anyone that matters in the world is crying on the inside today. I feel like we are in very, very dark times. Just that, there is an ungodly amount of suffering. Then, due to this ascension hoodoo shit, there is an enormous disconnect. Basically I can’t communicate with anyone that is too far behind or too far ahead of me. I’m in the dark curvy part of the track now, so even if I dare look back, it’s too foggy, too dark, and too twisty to see anywhere but where I am. Well, hello, I would like to sit down in a sunny glade. Yet, the great sadness drives me.

All this for a loaf of bread?

Texas Indian Pumpkin

What is weird to me is that there can be so many different kinds of pumpkin that are still the same species. This particular variety has a tan skin, fewer seeds inside, is very fiber-y like spaghetti squash, but tastes like flowers. I think I will stick with sugar pie pumpkins and butternut squash. I mean if I want to taste flowers, I guess I will actually just eat flowers. However, the seeds were really yummy. I will probably add a bunch of pepper/chilli to the meat from the other half of the pumpkin and use it in a burrito.

I also got a half bushel of mixed figi and golden delicious apples yesterday for only $8. I have a lot of juicing to do, and I sort of tired of work interfering with my cooking and cleaning time. This weekend was way, way too short.

The other wonderful thing is that I found Leinenkugels here. Do you know how long it’s been? OMG! Yum!

My thoughts on YU-55? Expect your Internet and mobile devices to go wonky. Get extra tobacco, Trident, fill your water containers and have your boots and wool socks on hand, just in case. A Bic lighter goes without saying.

Upper Soda Springs

So the pears I picked from the historic trees at old Upper Soda Springs Resort last week are so yummy, I might not even be able to bring myself to juice them. Tastes like heaven. Ah, the joys of living down the mountain from paradise! That trees can still produce like that after having been abandoned for 60 years is astounding. It makes you really wonder about the shit you buy in the grocery store. No wonder little kids think fruits and veggies are gross. Can’t wait to try the apples!

If I had an orchard, I’d work ’til I’m sore.

The Last Reel

Everything wove into the story,

And here I stand,
Blinded and blank,
Imagining everything, but disconnected.

The film has run out,
Alone, on stage,
Come to find I was never really an actress,
They were never really my friends or enemies.

Stumble out of the theatre and all I got is some sun and trees
Rags for clothes
A broke down car
A million scars
An empty job
A lonely echo
Of the sleep.


I think I have a calico apron fetish.

Projections of End Times

In my dream last night, I stopped at a ghetto store and got three packs of cigarettes and some Trident gum. There was a message for me at the store from Ken. Then I go to my parents’ house and my very good friend gave birth to her daughter (due in November) in front of my parents’ house. Bam! She just popped out. My friend was a little disappointed that her husband had missed the special moment. Before we cut the cord, she asked, “Should I put her back in?”

Nadeanna, “Uh, no, she’s born now.”

Friend, “Maybe we could put her in this hub cap here.” Trying to take the hubcap off my fofo to reveal a secret compartment.

Nadeanna, “Naw, I mean she’s here. I think we should just cut the cord and you can both go inside, take a bath, stay warm, feed her, relax. E. is on his way.”

So she concedes. We cut the cord. All hell starts breaking lose. The wind picks up and weird shit starts happening in the sky, think the Norwegian blue spiral, but more than one. So we quickly get inside. The bath tub has been freshly cleaned, to my relief, because I was not about to let this new baby bathe in the same place as my dad with his chronic staff infection without sanitizing it first.

My sister and dad are there. I think that my sister had seen us birthing the baby outside on the sidewalk and had cleaned the bathroom during the very, very brief labor. My dad is freaking out about the sky phenomena. He is flipping through the news channels, scanning radio stations on the old portable radio in the kitchen… I was like, “What, what is going on? Is it okay if [my friend] takes a bath, or did you clean it to fill with water?”

We decide that it’s okay for my friend to take a bath. My dad is still freaking out. We’re waiting for my mom, my friend’s husband, and Mr. X. My dad is waiting for earthquakes or something. Everyone outside is still freaking out. My mom gets home and is like, “Oh! Look at the baby!” And with this ‘what the hell happened, she just started going into labor when I left work’. So my mom says how weird the sky is and how cold it’s getting and how people are running around like werewolves and maniacs, screaming, and running through the streets. I get online on my labtop and everything is down. The Internet is still working, but everything is blocked or giving 404 errors or whatever. So I’m still like, “Should I fill water bottles or what?” I’m trying to find my camel pak. Jeremy gets there. We go down into the basement to check out the shelter situation. I’m like, “Look Mr. X, it’s the size of two shipping containers!” The basement is completely empty except for a broken wood burning stove over an old, broken toilet in the southeast corner of the basement. Mr. X and I decide that just in case something is happening, we should go to the campground, being stuck inside is not a good plan. Mr. X chastises me for not having my water full, but the water is still running and the power is still on. We fill all the jugs we can find. Mr. X, my sister and I leave in my car. We can’t find a baby car seat and decide that my friend’s mom or her husband should come get her with her car and new car seat. We will meet at the campground because it’s not really an emergency, but just a government projection to create mass hysteria. Since we all realize it’s an illusion, we are not affected to the same degree as those that are naive and illogical. We have trouble convincing my dad, but he’s like, “Okay. The power is still on.”

When we get to the campground I fill the remaining jugs. There is an older woman with longish silver hair and blue eyes. who I’ve never met before, but feel that I know, and a younger guy with short dreads, also who I’ve never met before, but feel I know. My Milwaukee family is there, but without my son, and Jeremy’s kids are there, but without their mother. There are a few other families, maybe several dozen people in total. Everyone is very calm and we begin set up camps and start coming up with future food and water procurement plans. Mr. X has his water filter.


All I’ve got is water is important and Mr. X is making me crazy with the disaster prepared-ness and shipping container house thing. Possibly, something insane is going to happen in November, but my ability to predict the future pretty much disappeared in 2009. Also Ken is still important in emissary guardian messaging. There are definitely house cleaning elements to this dream, so while it’s crazy, and I was slightly disturbed by it, I’m not taking too much stock in it.

Does this mean I have to go back to Pike River?

Go Pack, Go!