Observations

  • I have a shoe obsession. While staging for fire evacuation, after I got my Mark VI and my bug-out-bag, I was staging shoes. My Nick’s obviously, my new Salamon boots, the no-name-brand black patent leather heels for the wedding, and I put on my best pair of Chacos.
  • I have severely damaged socially functioning skills. Whenever I feel threatened (all the time since LBL) I assume a submissive stance. Is this because my parents neglected me, beat me (okay only spanking and whooping with a wooden spoon, fly swatter, or belt strap) or is it the training as a Gorean slave, or Michelle beating me and constantly threatening me, or my traumatic employment failure at LBL? Mr. X is like the first person I’ve been able to trust in my entire life, except maybe my grandma. I am really psychotic about some things. Bless his patient little heart. I live in constant fear of being fired and/or unemployed. I apply lots of places, but haven’t gotten any legitimate work since October. I do not trust people in positions of power in relationship to me. I do not trust people. I cannot lie. I have no self-confidence.
  • I cannot take criticism.
  • I discount praise because it does not come with any tangible rewards. It does not release happy chemicals in my brain. If you really cared, you’d let me out of work early so I could go play outside.
  • I am a poor listener.
  • I have a very difficult time expressing myself. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT TELEPATHIC!?! TELEPATHETIC? NO? UGH! I have to speak to you and listen to you speak to me? That’s so difficult and inefficient!
  • I am have extreme difficulty operating in time. Schedules, planning, deadlines, time-keeping in general; all freak me out and cause me to have great anxiety. Time moves so very, very fast for me. I dread so many things and want to delay them. Delaying unwanted tasks often means they won’t ever need to get done, because before you get to their deadline, circumstances have changed and the task becomes irrelevant. You’re like, “Boy, I’m glad I did not waste my time on that!”
  • Shopping causes me to have anxiety attacks. I think it has to do with spending money and that I believe the money I have is all the money I will ever have and so obviously I can’t spend it. It has to do with trusting other people. Since other people control my income and my ability to achieve an income, I can’t trust them to come through for me. I can trust God or Source or the Universe to keep me alive to suffer another day. I suppose ultimately Source or myself is responsible, but it sure feels like untrustworthy humans are in control and hence the shopping anxiety. This is also why I get super pissed about my student loans and the affordable health care act. Give me something adequate that I can rely on, and I’ll happily give you jerks back 60%, but with an hourly, on-call job, y’all can suck my balls.
  • I still hate my job, that’s why it’s 7:25, with no lunch made, and only half a breakfast eaten, that I am on here.
  • I hate blind patriotism. Obviously you have a brain disorder. Nationalism died sometime after WWII. Where were you?
  • I find it difficult not to swear on the Internet.
  • If I am agitated, I do more miles on the stationary bike. It is soothing. Then my metabolism is even more spastic and I have to eat even more calories or feel like a burnt-out zombie.
Advertisements

Rambling Man AKA Roma Tomatoes, Feta Cheese, and Balsamic Vinegar

Every summer I die and swoon over garden tomatoes and balsamic vinegar. Gimmie gimmie acid to alkalize? I’m not sure what it is about this combination that makes me like an addict that can’t get enough, but here I am, again. Maybe I like to add in some bread, cheese, avocado, or wine now and then. Although, I’ve decided avocados are mucous producing (more than cheese even), so I’m avoiding them for now. I’m sort of even grossed out by them at the moment.

Ascension process post-fifth world:

Oh, so you thought you’d ascended did you little one? Ha! That was just a layer of the fucking onion.

Why, well, um, thanks?

As far as manifestation, in 2009, especially the second half of 2009, whatever your heart’s desire, BHAM! there it is! Paradise truly felt like paradise. Except for that whole pesky, “I’m going to get laid off at some point in the next few to several months” thing.

2010 felt mostly like either “I’m lost. Where are the damn maps!?! Where is the captain?” or “I’ve made a horrible, grave mistake.”

2011 was like “Holy mother-fucking shit balls!!!!!!!!”

2012 was like “I can’t take this anymore! Please oh please, please please please. Okay, um house? Check (finally about time!)” I also came to realize there’s this happy little place between the Pacific Ocean, Sacramento, Reno, and Medford/Bend that I really ought to stay in. I can go further south, but only if I’m in the mountains or desert. The San Joaquin Valley is freak out time. The Bay Area is to be avoided. East of the Mississippi lies hell. I need to stay put. I’m in love with the land. I don’t get it. That’s just the message. I’m in love with the man that came with the land. I’d abandon things I’d placed on my bucket list at age 4 (didn’t know you called it a bucket list back then) to come home to him.

2013, you realize that you are the navigator of the ship you’re on. You knew that before, but your partner, who you thought was the captain is actually only the chef. You are on a ship, alone in the cosmos with a navigator and a chef. You know where you are, or how to get where you think you are going anyhow and you have delightful food and drink along the way. Maybe you don’t need a captain if the war is over, and what do first mates do anyhow?

I’m really having a time right now of feeling secure because I feel like the majority of the planet is still where I was pre-2008 (or not even on the freaking map, staircase, etc.). Therefore, society finds me of little worth. Since I am not a producer or maker or robot or cog, I get nothing. Everything is still scarcity and lack. Since abundance is old hat, I’m disconnected. My faith is weak. I feel I am fighting still to keep the masses from sucking me under. The battles continue. I believe, but when everyone around me is NO NO NO NO NO, well… what that does to a being….

My Heart’s Desires – ala Sacha Sterling

1. Different (better) job

2. Employer provided health insurance (no extra charge for tobacco, spouse or dependents all included, low-deductible, low co-pay)

3. DEBT  FREE

4. high clearance 4 wheel drive vehicle

5. blood orange tree

6. more raised beds

7. kitty kat (s) – Ragdoll from Auburn breeder, sisters from same litter

8. drip irrigation system

9. Vitamix

10. Kio pond and/or swimming pool

11. teletransporter

12. a bikini top in G+ cup size that folds down small for backpacking

13. Solar dehydrator

14. Spiralizer

15. And while we’re asking, how about a week at Heavenly of private snowboard instruction?

16. Mossbrae music festival 2013?

17. more backpacking trips: Trinity Alps, Marble Mountains, Russian Wilderness, Yolla Bollas, Warners

18. local ice ring and figure skating lessons

19. a life straw

20. one of those in line filter thingies

21. a bigger pack

22. toe socks, for hiking

23. two hens?

24. an upright tiger oak piano

25. more and taller tomato cages for next year

26. snowboard wax and tune

27. ski wax and tune

28. Scott Valley bluegrass festival 2014?

Observations:

  • There’s not a lot a desire right now beyond a job that is satisfying.
  • I believe I deserve all these things.
  • I believe the landscaping things are possible, but probably won’t happen for 6 months to a year from now.
  • Pool and koi pond could be decades off. I’m not sure we have room for both. I might want the space more to grow food. Living close to Whiskeytown and having a kiddie pool is a nice compromise.
  • I think I only want 1 through 3 at a 10. I give them a probability factor of less then 6 in the current reality. Some of the things I want less are more probably and I will get them sooner.
  • The Vitamix is a few months out I think. I really want it to make soup with. I am going to have a butt load of winter squash.
  • A solar dehydrator is in the realm of possibility.
  • This all makes me think I am definitely heading more and more to the 80-10-10 raw vegan world. Mr. X even ordered vegetarian pizza last time he got pizza for us. I’ve done pretty well committing to be a vegetarian for the last 6 weeks. It’s not important to label myself that way, I just don’t think I need to eat meat right now, and when and if I do feel I need to eat meat again, I’d like to know where it came from. I find it hard to resist temptation while backpacking (but I figure it’s like a condiment and I probably need it then), when Mr. X cooks for me, and in social situations in which there is meat. I try to avoid social situations where I know there will be food I don’t typically eat and I try to bring raw fruit (or veggies) to share as much as possible.
  • I could put more bucket-list/travel type stuff on here, but given that I turned down my best opportunity so far to go to Sequoia National Park, something I wanted to do since I was 3 or 4 years olde, to come home to Mr. X because that’s what I wanted to do more.  I guess my relationship and home life takes precedence over most bucket list type things.
  • Backpacking and more ways to prepare raw foods seem pretty important.
  • Yeah I should just go to the bluegrass festival. Who the fuck cares that I was thinking of doing other, less expensive things with other people this weekend?
  • I should stop swearing so much, but it just feels good, you know?

English

Well Teagan, given that you’ve got family in Medford, what do you think are the chances that your grandpappy is descended from the Eugene English family? You got it on all sides didn’t you boy? Reading Reminiscences of a Pioneer by Colonel William Thompson makes me think my days in the Oregon outback ain’t over yet. Maybe you will move back west when you are grown.

Thoughts on Motherhood

  • There are pros and cons to accidental conception.
  • Planning to pass on faulty genetic material seems foolish.
  • Is your job going to let you take your infant to work?
  • Will you be able to pump?
  • THERE ARE OVER 7 BILLION people on this planet!!!
  • It takes a village to raise a child.
  • Some biological mothers failed to bond with their child and yet there is no love greater than the love a mother has for her child. What does this say about my mother? What does that say about me?
  • The best time in your life to experience pregnancy and become a mother is in your early 20s, but some people manage it in their 30s or 40s and it’s fine.
  • If you wait until you are stable or financially secure (like that’s in the realm of possibility), your fertility may be questionable and certainly your ability to function on less than 4 hours of sleep without the aid of stimulants will not be what it once was.
  • Do you have a support network to help you take over when your patience is gone and your brain capacity is driveling out of your head in your buggers?
  • Will you be able to get up off of the floor without groaning and creaking? Will you be able to get down on the floor to begin with?
  • Do you think you can handle not giving in to the overwhelming urge to order take-out because you are so exhausted that the thought of preparing a meal when you’re this worn out makes your knees shake?
  • I think I will choose fictive grandmotherhood instead. I am going to be the bestest non-biological grandmother anyone ever had!

Death? Illusion or Just a Joke?

I am still in the denial stages a month later. I miss talking to you. I miss your humor. I miss your worldview. I am sad with a creeping knowledge that that particular take on things is gone from me but for in my dreams. I am shocked by an intimacy I never properly acknowledged before. I keep waiting, expecting that you come out; this was all a hoax. Did you commit suicide? Drown? Your old ticker just give out on the body you abused so badly a decade ago? I’ve always expected it coming before, knew death was stalking. You shared my suffering comrade. Inside my head is a scream, “Where are you!?!” And I take it all for both of us, for everyone you shared with. I can hardly stand up straight in the blinding sun, the blazing heat. It shimmers and it’s all I can do not to fall and give in to it too.

And the Earth Goes Pop!

Today, the weather station at the airport recorded a temperature of 86 at 2:53 p.m. I went outside and recorded the temperature on the southern exposure of our house at 65.5 degrees sometime after 4, but before 5. It seems like I have been having to cover my plants and scrape frost on a daily basis for quite sometime. My plants probably cannot take many more hard freezes. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday it was warm enough in the afternoon to drive around with my sun roof open. Thursday I actually was uncomfortably warm. We’ve been having 50 degree temperature swings throughout the day. This happens sometimes in the fall when it gets dry, especially at higher elevations, but we’ve had days this last week down in the valley where we’ve come close to breaking both the record low and the record high in the same day. Yesterday I did some yard work. The area along the western side of the house was frozen solid until about 10 a.m., yet the high yesterday afternoon was supposedly 81. What the heck!?!

I’ve been thinking about the new earth thing. Ascension 2.0, whatever you want to call it, and here are some of my observations as we move into 2013. Things were crazy, at least seemingly preternatural or paranormal for me the most in 2010. Magickal happenings were a daily occurrence. There were apparent UFOs, time moving backward, light bubbles, humming sounds, unexplained power outages – pretty delusional type things I was convinced were my reality. Now I feel like I’ve “settled” or I’m “coasting”. Those really weird things aren’t happening, or they’re logically explainable somehow. I no longer feel like I’m searching, or that I have this pressure to communicate or create in order to “get it out.”

Yet, I’m also not very hopeful (or very fearful) about what the future on Earth will bring. I’d give my all to go home. I realize all the very stupid, stupid things I’ve done in the last 15 to 18 years. I realize to any normal person, I was completely off my rocker and insane during that time period, but there’s not the yearning anymore.

I actually sat down at the drafting table for the first time since we’ve moved today to work on some maps. Then I realized the GIS guy had transposed the labels, so I gave up. Now that I have the waypoints, I may just give up and do the maps the old fashioned way by photocoying the quad map and drawing on it.  The scale for the sketch maps is 1 inch = 500 feet which is too big for the size of the sites in my opinion, but it’s better than nothing, IMHO. It would take a lot of effort to go back out and do pace and compass maps, almost as much as trying to get a new computer and ESRI up and running at home.

I’ve been having bad dreams every night. Not nightmares, but the kind where you wake up and you’re disturbed and tense. I dislocated my C1 and C2 vertebrae last Friday morning. OUCH! And dislocated my shoulder on Christmas Eve. I can only assume these incidences were from bad dreams. I seemed to have gotten over the whiplash in about 18 days, so not sure how I could be okay for a month and then WHAMMY!

I pretty much wake up stiff and achy every morning. It’s not that unusual, but I haven’t been training hard or really pushing myself. Now it’s like if I go without the calcium magnesium and epsom soak, even if I haven’t had an epic adventure day or bust my ass at work day, I am sore and sorry. I would expect this at 73, not at 33.

I am more sensitive than ever to injustice, but in a way that doesn’t affect me so much emotionally. I’m just aware of it and in shock. It’s miraculous to me that anyone is able to keep their home and put food on the table.

I started putting together my tax stuff today and I actually made slightly more in 2012 than in 2011. It sure doesn’t feel like it though. My checking account seems to have been running on fumes constantly since labor day. There were no, hmmm “I have a little extra, I should get some clothes that aren’t stained, holey, and threadbare” or “let’s stock up for Armagedon” shopping trips in 2012. No, more like, “hmmm, let’s see if I can make it to Poterville and back on bald tires” or “let’s see if I can do 5 days of survey in the Southern Sierra with 3 year-old socks”.

I really feel like I am coasting now. Waiting is not quite the right word. Stuck is not quite the right word. It’s coasting. Everyday I’m amazed that I have a warm, dry place to sleep, hot running water, a flushing toilet, a not-yet empty gas tank, a functional refrigerator, and food to eat (even nutrient-rich, organic food to eat). Yet I am saddened to a degree each morning that I’ve awoken to face yet another day in an impossible, irrational, unjust world.

And I want more. I want physical intimacy. I want a compost and a clothesline, cats, a child of my own… I want my godson with his father or his aunt and uncle, not with his mother and step-father. I want a piano.

I feel like time is crushing me. Time speeds by, SNAP. Hours are seconds and days are hours. Months are weeks. Years are hardly seasons. SWISH! ZOOM! SNAP! POP! Just the anxiety of time crushing me makes my heart race, pushes my frustration tolerance to the limit.

Slow down! We’re too fast! Let me ride!

Yet I am still here. I remain. I persist. I swoon. I fall. I swallow. I suffer. I ache. I am awed. I hold back tears. I cry. I lose loved ones. I wonder and wonder how the past could have been the way it was. Yet still, I go on, and on, and on.

Farewell Fofo

I haven’t really written in a long time, but in celebration of the fact that I once again have a home office, and that I was actually productive, or at least semi-productive in it today, I thought I should try writing. Things have been nuts since oh, October. My hours at my not-real, not-grown-up, not-full-time job were horrible.  I was desperately wondering how I would be able to give any money to Mr. X as a token for November rent.  Magically, by the grace of God (the only way besides Jerry-rigging that anything ever happens in my life anymore), I got 50 hours of work in Tulare County.

I had to beg my parents for money so I could get an oil change and replace the PVC hose on my car. The check engine light had been on for over a month, but I couldn’t scrape together $250 to get it fixed.  I still couldn’t afford to replace my back tires which were nearly bald, even though I’d just gotten them before I moved back to California and they had less than 30,000 miles on them. I didn’t even have money to get 3 new pairs of socks for doing survey. My sock situation was pretty bad, but I survived a week of survey in the Southern Sierra by using my good socks the first two days, and then switching out to thicker insoles to wear with worn-out, too thin-for-hiking-anyway socks.

Additionally, in order to do that, I had to reschedule a field review meeting in Shasta County, which had already been put off due to people dying and such. Bless the departed.

I get back from Tulare late one Friday evening and the field review meeting is scheduled for Monday. I decide since I have left over per diem money that I need two new tires and new wiper blades for winter.  We’re about to get our first storm of the season.  I have them put the new tires on the front and rotate the older, but still serviceable tires to the back. I’ve always been told this is what you do with front wheel drive cars when you can’t afford to replace all four tires at once, so you don’t spin out or get stuck in the snow.

I am apprehensive about going out on Monday because I hate driving 299 in the rain, but the snow levels are supposed to be above 5,000 feet. I’m like, “Okay. I have people coming up from Davis, and this has already been put off for far too long.”  I’m driving out, thinking about how my car is in it’s death throes and how it would be virtually impossible for me to scrape together even $1,500 to replace it, but if I could, what would I get? I never liked that car.

Bwhahaha, so turns out snow levels were way below 5,000 feet. Turns out I do not have my chains in the trunk, because I hadn’t fully switched into winter mindset yet. Mind you it was over 90 degrees on my drive back from Tulare the Friday before. I’m leaving Burney and there is fucking thundersnow. Thundersnow! I am like, “Wow! This is going to suck. I hate driving in snow. I really hate driving in the mountains in the snow.” 

I’m getting up to Hatchet Peak. I see a Caltrans sign for chain restrictions, there is a semi-truck jack-knifed at the summit, and only one lane is open. My defroster is beginning to fail. I am looking for a place to pull over and see if I can wait out the heaviest precipitation, get my windows to clear up, and get in behind a plow. There is no safe place to pull off, so I continue making my way down from Hatchet. The person in front of me decides to start going under 10 miles an hour after seeing the truck jack-knifed. More and more and more cars begin to pile up behind me. I can see that going 55 or 65 would be pretty stupid, but this is an inch or maybe 2 of slushy snow. I’d gone between 40 and 50 coming from Fall River Mills to Burney and felt in control going around all the crazy curves. Eight miles per hours is equally dangerous I think. I’m so irritated this person can’t find a place to pull off to let people pass.

By the time I get to the next straightaway where there is not on-coming traffic in the opposite lane, I go to pass Pokey Little Puppy, and moderately accelerate to just under 35, but I skid, badly. I manage to keep from going off the left side of the road, but I over-correct and do a 180 and somehow just give up trying to correct a second time. I go off the right side of the road backwards where there is a turnout, but I have so much momentum I keep going down the hill backwards. Down a brush pile which slows me down until I finally stop. Turns out there was a giant bolder at the bottom of the brush pile that finally stopped me.

I get out of the car. I am totally fine it seems (although later it turns out I gave myself whiplash which took about 18 days to fully recover from). I am very glad no other vehicles were involved. I am secretly glad the car is totaled. I am very glad no one is insisting on making me go to the hospital, but I know I can’t leave the car in the ditch, and I know I need to get back to Redding.

I have no cell reception, but a nice woman offers to drive me back to Burney and a nice battery store guy has Verizon and lets me use his phone to call for a tow after he calls CHP. Luckily I do not get a citation. I sit with the battery guy until CHP comes and then sit with CHP until the tow company comes. It is raining and cold. By the time we get the car out of the ditch and back into town it’s almost 4 in the afternoon and starting to get dark.

Although I’m glad the car is totaled, I also realize that there is no way I can replace it and start to freak out about life without a car. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and have had wet feet since 10 a.m. I just want to go home and take a nice hot bath, eat some hearty, greasy food, and have a beer.

Well, the rest October and then November bring weeks of frustration trying to gather up three or four grand from every last penny I can beg, borrow, or steal and trying to find a car on Craigslist, preferably one with under 150K on it, or at least under 150K on the engine, and one that is being sold at or below its Kelly Blue Book. Turns out you can’t really do that in Shasta County. Anything decent was sold in under 4 hours. Most people were asking $2K over the bluebook price or trying to sell non-ops or vehicles that could not smog or cars with almost 300K on them. Are you on crack!?! After spending 80 hours or so in a futile search for personal transportation. I gave up and decided that someone else was just going to have to know someone selling something. I was not going to find a car on Redding Craigslist unless I made it a full-time occupation for several months.

People are like, “Why aren’t you renting a car to shop for a car? ” I had to beg money from my parents so I could fix my car so I could go work in Tulare County so I could pay November rent. Are you stupid or just plain dumb?

“Didn’t you have insurance?” Why would you pay to carry collision or comprehensive on a car worth less than $1500?

“Why don’t you shop at a dealership?” A, I cannot afford a car payment. B. I cannot afford insurance on a car I do not own. C. My credit score is so low I don’t even care to know how low. Even if I could afford car payments and insurance, no dealership anywhere would give me a loan.

Look at Me!

I’m still here. Wherever that is. It is not Neirmystico or Mintaka. That’s for certain. Earth B.0? A/B? C? A? Am I now a magickal 5th dimensional being? I don’t think so. Why would a 5th dimensional being get cold? Or have a mouth full of canker sores? I’m blaming apple cider vinegar on that last one.

Did I ascend? Did I get left behind?

I skipped the work holiday lunch today. There’s nothing for me to do at the office today. This morning I paid bills. Now I have $215 to last me until January 5th. My throat hurts from the evil capitalist grip tightening around it. Thank you student loans and auto insurance. You motherfuckers! My advice? Do not go to college if you have to borrow money. It is the worst thing you could possibly do for yourself financially. Do not get a car. If you get a car, get one you can afford to replace with cash, so you don’t have to carry collision or comprehensive. So apparently wherever I am there is still money. Boo! But it seems to mean less. You can’t get more of it. It disappears as soon as you get paid, but somehow there is always enough to keep you from getting your wages garnished , ending up on the street, or starving.

But also skipped the luncheon because it is snowing and I am like a 3 year old. It’s like I still live in Mt. Shasta or Milwaukee. I’m so ‘cited! Let’s keep the temps at 32 so it will snow all day long. Snow! Yay! Snow!

I wonder if the power is still on in Mt. Shasta. They’re cool like that. Manifest a snowstorm for Yule? Copy that. Three days of darkness? No problem. Lights are out.

My electricity is still on. Hence the Internet access and all.

There are little finches flitting about. They are so cute!

« Older entries Newer entries »