Love Forever, Love is Free

I’m not sure where to start, because I failed to write this down immediately. Taylor was bothering Mr. X. It was as though my remaining love for him had become disingenuous because it had initially been won through emotional manipulation, but Taylor had Teagan. It seemed like we were at the bottom of the stairs between the first and second floor at the Art House, but I’m not sure. I said something like, “No, you can’t kiss me that way anymore, and besides I can tell you’re irritating Mr. X. You should probably go home. I’ll see you when the visit with Teagan is over.”

So then Mr. X and I left what I think was the Art House with Teagan to meet my sister and Michelle at a place like the IHOP in Racine. Adam met us there later. It began to get very dark out. When we went into the parking lot to leave there were four black horses, bigger than draft horses, like the four horse of the Apocalypse, but parked in parking stalls. There was a little demon. It looked sort of like a large fetus or a living amphibian gargoyle, think an albino Golum with vampire dentition, utterly ghastly. It’s skin was translucent and you could see red blood moving through it’s veins. I felt like the demon was after Teagan and the whole scene was a sign of impending doom. It was dark like a tornado, getting on toward sunset, but all was calm.

Michelle departed our party. Adam, my sister, Mr. X, Teagan and I went to an unknown house in some place that felt like California. It felt the the big house in the green place, with the open atrium and the picture windows. Mr. X thought it was okay that Adam came along because he could tell that the love between us was innocent and genuine. He respected Adam and they were becoming friends.

My sister, Adam and I were with Teagan in a room like the nursery at Trinity. Teagan began trying to put his hand down my pants. I immediately reprimanded him. “I’m your mother. You can’t touch me that way! What has Michelle been teaching you?” Adam reprimands him as well. I’m thinking, “This visit was a horrible idea. I should have just left you with your stupid biological mother.” My sister takes over watching Teagan then and Adam and I leave.

Then we are in a bathroom, like the bathroom at the quad box and Adam or Mr. X has a laptop and is watching a You Tube video on the clinical, epidermal manifestation of herpes. I pull down my pants and sort of spread my labia and ask, “Can you tell that I have herpes?” They’re both like, “um, no.” I’m like, “but look at these red dots.” They’re both like, “That could be from shaving,” and Mr. X adds, “Or prickly heat rash.” The video is continuing on how to identity a herpes sore and ways to prevent spreading herpes: check your partner for sores before intercourse, use condoms, always inform your partner of any STDs you have…blah blah blah. I say, “Well it would have been nice if someone had bothered to inform me.” Adam mumbles, “Me too.” Say what? So then it becomes instantly understood that that is why nothing further happened back in 2004/2005. I say, “I just thought you hated me. That, or you were gay.” Adam says, “Nope. Nope. It was the herps…”

So then we go have sex, which Mr. X approves of, because he is getting to be friends with Adam, and has no interest in sex, but knows that I’ve been on the edge for several months. But that act isn’t really part of the dream, it’s panned out and the important part is afterward. Adam is sitting in a wingback chair and I am sitting in his lap.

Adam: So we really have a lot of work to do, don’t we? I’ve kind of let this go for too long.

Me: That’s okay. If I were you, I wouldn’t even be here now. I’m just all like, “Oh knight in shining armor and crap.”

Adam: Well, yeah, you were, but we should probably start planning where we are going next, because we won’t be here that much longer.

So I mention to Adam about the figure skating, and the wildland fire fighting, and that I have not yet spent as much time as I like with Mr. X, and that of course I want him to come, and that I want him to still be an important part of my life, how I really want to break down the idea of nuclear family like Burroughs said in the forth lesson and experiment with the tribe level of interaction, even though at the same time I wanted to still be sure to travel with my nuclear soul family.

We both look at each other and think, “Emily!” and wonder why she is not there.

Adam: I have no idea if she will even want to travel with me as you do. Maybe she has had all she likes of her original dream.

I just shrug my shoulders.

Then we go to the kitchen, which is exactly like the quad box kitchen, but presumably is in the the big house in the green place. Adam helps Mr. X prepare a chicken and stuff it with onions. I think how cute it is that they are cooking together. We can hear my sister and Teagan elsewhere in the house.

Then I am upstairs in a different house, a Victorian house. It is dark. Outside it is windy. There is a grandfather clock at the top of the stairs, but I do not hear it ticking. No one has wound it in years. There are pictures hung of strangers on the wall of the staircase. There is a wooden baluster along the open side. I am sacred and start running down the stairs calling out,”Matthew! Matthew!” I get to the bottom of the stairs and there is Adam.

Adam: What? What’s wrong?

Me: But you… but you’re not…

Adam grabs me and kisses me and in that moment I know that he is Matt. The living room has an old style radio and a green plush chair with cream colored crocheted lace doilies. Adam has a record case with 45s. He asks me if I’d like to check out his rockabilly collection. All the labels on the 45s are yellow or red.

Me: Rockabilly? When did you start listening to rockabilly?

Adam: Well, you know, it’s a natural extension from punk and Johnny Cash to rockbilly.

Me: Well, wow. Really? I have some rockabilly 45s too, and some LaVern Baker.

I am thinking this certainly doesn’t fit in with the Matthew/Kansas City timeline, nor my understanding of our present timeline. IT certainly has distracted me from whatever it was that I was scared of. The explanation of why rockabilly doesn’t seem to fit. I wonder if Mr. X will like us listening to rockabilly records. Somehow I don’t feel electroclash follows to rockabilly either.

We are back in the big house in the green place and my 1964 Zenith stereo cabinet is there. We can smell the chicken cooking. Fades out, or I can’t remember in between.

Somehow we are on a train. We are traveling west through the Great Plains, the great American desert. It looks like Wyoming. The landscape is brown and the sky is a washed out blue. Michelle is in a car in front of us, but my sister, Mr. X, Adam, Teagan, and I are back in a box car with the door open. Teagan is wearing shorts, or at least his legs are bare. He is standing in front of the door. He starts saying, “I want to get off the train,” but before I can rush forward to grab him and pull him back, he jumps as we are moving at a very fast pace through a railyard. The other tracks are slightly downhill from where our train is. Teagan jumps and immediately breaks his neck and splits his skull open on one of the adjoining rails. I can see blood. “Oh shit!” I think. “Michelle is going to kill us.”

Then I wake up.

So goes yet another dream in which people I love get maimed or dismembered. This one didn’t leave me with quite the nasty feeling that many of these dreams do, but it wasn’t typical of them. It was more than The Dark, TM trying to terrorize me. This is making plans to move out of Armageddon with interference from The Dark TM. There were many other disturbing and bizarre elements, but it wasn’t typical of those types of dreams.


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