Pushing Off Boundaries, Amy Purdy – Inspired

I’ve spent the last 5 months trying to get creative about how I am going to go snowboarding without money, without snowshoes, without a back country pack, without a transceiver, without a partner… so far my only solution is to walk overland until I find a nice open space like sand flat. Wholly impractical and completely dangerous. I have legs and kidneys, but no money, no support.

I surely don’t feel like I’m unimaginative or uncreative.

What do I want to do?

Last night I realized that I love to build furniture and flip houses almost as much as I like to mix sound recordings. How am I going to build furniture with no tools and no space? How am I going to flip houses with no capital?

Why do I feel like I am tethered and tied?

I feel like if there were one thing, only one thing that all of me were completely invested in, it might work, but there’s not. I like to potter, but here, I am stuck, almost to the point of imprisonment. I ain’t got a dime to my name.

At this point, to get to a jumping off point, I feel you have to lie, cheat, and steal, because ain’t no one with a true heart got nothing. I have nothing to offer anyone worthy of receipt. Do I start offering to the lying, cheating, stealing, back-stabbers?

I also realized last night, that SCREAMING repeatedly on a daily basis, out-loud, to the universe for all to hear. “I WANT IT TO BE 90 DEGREES OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! RIGHT NOW DO YOU HEAR ME?!?” That worked. Sub-zero temperatures are like being raped, not that I’ve ever been raped, but of all the things a physical body can experience, waiting for a bus with bitter subzero winds eating to your bones… shivering constantly for months on end…

There’s probably not anything else I really whole-heartedly care about that much.

So here I am, horrified by most of what’s around me, but the one thing I really, really gave my whole being about, escaping Wisconsin winters, I was able to fix. I’ve lived without a bed. I’ve let go of the notion of getting another cat. I’ve made peace with the fact that my godson is just going to have to endure a less than ideal childhood.

You know the serenity prayer? It seems there’s nearly nothing I can change, and so I’ve let go of nearly everything. Oh Lord, I am an empty vessel. Fill me up with your light!

Maybe in 20 years I’ll look back and be glad for discernment and wisdom and life.

So little music speaks to me at the moment, likely because I seem to make connection with so few people right now.

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