Look Guys…

We are not doing this…… not….. not…. not….

Along with my practice of eliminating negation, because I’ve come to understand negation doesn’t work, but it is like this omnipresent force.

My parents are so negative, pessimistic,  and unsupportive. It’s really hard for me to believe that they wanted me. I have so much extra work to do and extra emotional drain because I don’t have the support of my parents and I was raised by emotional retards. Is it any wonder I turned out crazy? I very much doubt I will ever see any of my family again.

I am contemplating life without vehicular transportation. It makes me want to cry. If no one had cars, I might enjoy riding my bike. If I sell my car, I might be able to afford a skate board. I asked for this, probably, but dealing with it sucks. It just sucks.

I dreamed about the Gulf of Mexico. Jeremy was with me. There was a geologist taking some other people on a tour of tidal pools or something. Jeremy stayed on the shore and was taking pictures of me. I decided to wade in, but didn’t want to take my shoes off, so I just let them get wet. Then the tide started coming in and the waves were getting bigger and I was afraid to go any deeper, that the waves or rip tide would take me away. Maybe this dream indicates that I feel that Jeremy wants me to focus on handling my emotions. Tide coming in, in a dream represents increasing emotional energy. To be on the beach going into the ocean, but looking back towards the beach as the waters get rough and the tide comes in is all about the blade dance and mastering the space between mind and matter, where heart and soul meet. The geologist and tour group could mean that I’m letting rationality and objectivity wander away from me to be with my emotions and to be in the liminal state at the boundary’s edge. A really beautiful dream.

In a way I feel I have quarantined myself. I feel like I could be the rip tide to anyone I perceive as carrying more light than me, or struggling through life, but honestly and genuinely. I see myself as a distraction to others, just as I perceive certain other people to be a distraction to me. I never had a family with love. I tried to adopt a tribe to fill in the void and lack of love that should have come from my family. Then the world rips away my tribe blah blah blah

So I have to go back back back to a core foundation. Right now my really most important thing in my life is this relationship with Jeremy. Dunsmuir was like the crucible of personal salvation and rehab from the horrors Milwaukee laid upon me, but now it’s like if I am ever going to get through to what I really want, it’s going to be through this relationship. It’s really weird because it’s truly the interdependence for which I have strived, with a conscious awareness of need and appreciation.

I want to go beyond love…

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