Breaking Frustrations

Okay.

Last night I convinced myself that the reason I’ve been feeling unwell is because the downstairs neighbors are cooking meth. Jeremy keeps complaining of strange smells. “Did you fart? Did you throw the cabbage in the garbage? Did you not flush the toilet?” The dizziness, low-blood pressure, nausea, exhaustion seems to correlate with when they moved in. There were ridiculous amounts of trash for awhile, but I thought that was from other people in the building across the way moving. The downstairs people always have their front door open. They have a cot, big screen T.V., and card table for furniture. It’s just weird, and which is worse, addicts or dealers? I guess I’ll take the dealers. I’ve been so off point I thought I was pregnant though. Paranoia? I have been thinking a lot lately that it’s just moving down to the valley, but I’ve mostly felt off since Kentucky, so…

I cleaned the bike chains yesterday, but then didn’t feel up to taking the road bike out by myself. Jeremy is looking at cargo bikes. I felt and still feel bad for not getting any real exercise yesterday in favor of cleaning.

Okay, it’s almost 10, and I enjoyed immensely having a weekend, but… 2 more days, were I motivated and focused, I might just be able to bring everything back into control? Harmony?

How does one live life out of control? That’s fine. I can do that. But then trying to come back in to other people’s shared reality…. oh no no no no. I freak the fuck out!

Jeremy made chicken last night, and I ate it, and while it tasted delicious, it was really gross, like the smell on my hands after I eat it and I’m thinking, that is inside me now. I seem compelled to push for an answer as to why he feels the need to eat chicken when it is not fire season or winter, but how can I explain why I only want to eat fruit and dairy and leaves? Then I asked him why we couldn’t get rabbits or guinea pigs to eat, because if we are going to eat meat, I am sure getting sick of chicken. He gave me some non-sense about it not being culturally acceptable. And so?!?

I should be at work, I really need this time right now to be doing what I am doing.

It would be really nice to get back onto the dawn to dusk schedule. I feel that in looking for explanations for manifestations, I invited in the ickiees.

My favoritenesses of the weekend include:

Lemon curd candle! YES!

Lovey attention from Jeremy yesterday morning!

The sweet ass Scwhinn! Our wheels are our wings!

Strawberries!

Salad!

Wine!

Beer!

Bunny picture!

And it’s just like super abundance, so I don’t really have time to list all I am grateful for and I’m going to focus on that, even though there’s stuff that made me totally angry because the amazing stuff far far overwhelms the ick.

The opportunity to get some energies out through music. There is still this huge gap of frequency range I cannot find expression for and I for sure do not have time to be composing music, so I am really praying for someone to fill that gap.

I was going to say something about the dimensional flux and then watching this Carl Sagan thing, Cosmos, right, and the flatland example and how impossible it is to even get and what it’s like to be somewhere else, but I think it does really have to do with time being non-linear and urgh!

Also, I wanted to mention that there are mites on the chives and garlic. It’s funny that after joining the CSA I gave up on the idea of having my own garden this year, and of course now I am working full-time, that responsibility would have been really reaching.

So what I’d like to ask is for me to be able to find the optimal idle? rate? Or I just want to be satisfying and joyous with what I am able to accomplish, to feel that I have ample time and space to BE.

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