I never know what to title these anymore

So apparently I am menstruating. Which I am only saying because my basal temperature was 96.8, well below my typical 97.5 baseline and that I was awakened by cramps predawn, there’s no fresh red blood as yet. I drew a bath and tried to make a sauna. I thought I would sleep in the tub because it would be light out soon, but after about 45 minutes the sweating and Aleve brought the pain back to completely tolerable levels.

During my period is the only time I feel much compelled to write anymore. The pain is not too bad this time, but the exhaustion is unbearable. I will probably force myself to walk to work this afternoon, but I want to stay at the house. I am not opposed to working, I am just opposed to leaving. Yesterday I had myself 60% convinced I was pregnant. Melissa, you are a freaking retard. You are still in some physical body and certain chemical and physical laws still apply. The chances of me getting pregnant are about the chances of a major earthquake in Redding. Sure, it could happen, but will it? Don’t bet on it. I was looking forward to moving to Paradise and taking Pete the parrot to the park.

Mmmm. I am grossed out by the raw vegan thing almost as much as I am by processed food, although I approve it for other people, because I see how glow-ey they get, although some of them start to look emaciated… To never eat animal products, to never cook food? See, my face is crinkling up in EEWness now. However, I had to return to a high fruit diet to get my skin to behave. I can also eat raw vegetables besides leaves now. Partly I think it is that my activity levels and the amount of physical work I do has dropped but also it is the quality of food. I feel so very blessed to live where I do and be able to eat food fit to eat. So yeah, I cannot eat processed food anymore, or at least I don’t want to. I don’t want to eat meat anymore, but since Jeremy does, I still end up eating it. This is something we are going to have to discuss, because if I am not immensely more active, I do not want to eat meat.

I don’t really like to eat eggs or cheese or drink milk anymore, but for making a cream sauce or dressing or something. I still very much feel that I need cream and butter in my diet.

And fish, especially salmon.

I can’t really eat pasta anymore, but whole grain breads or brown rice (remember how I used to hate rice?).

But I must being doing well as far as nutrients go, because I haven’t craved anything in weeks. Jeremy seems to be good at guessing when I need salmon or avocados.

So anyway, part of this reflection is that I feel like the dairy fats help ground me and although I feel tired and exhausted all the time, I feel that if I were vibrating any faster, I would not be able to be here at all. As it is, I feel like time and space are unzipping themselves around me. If I leave any of my geographic anchor points, reality is so fucked up that it is worse than tripping. I have zero concept of time beyond the difference between now, and that already happened. There is no future, because the future is only the past that has been forgotten and when I remember it, it will become now.

I also feel that the grains provide my caloric needs because the universe does not want me to have a juicer yet and I am too freaking lazy to sit and chomp on veggies to get all those calories. Besides that, I still don’t think my digestive system can handle breaking down cell walls and all that. I have to stick to leafy greens for veggies. I am able to start eating small amounts of carrots again. Now if I had a normal lifestyle or a normal metabolism I would probably be fine, but I am a spaz, so no. I need close to 3,000 just to idle the engine.

So I have been able to perceive entities in the space between worlds, or how…. er… so the oily spots that someone was talking about on Transitions. Yes, they are hanging out in the oak trees outside my bedroom. Shimmer happens all the time. Constantly. It hurts to do down, which I have to do, or feel like I have to do to leave the house. I wish I could just make the space around me come up to me even though it’s not one of my anchor points. Or like I feel like I made a guy crash his bike Monday because I was trying to do that, but I think he just wanted to look up my skirt while I was walking by, or he crashed his bike so that I won’t have to crash mine. Anyhow, I lifted his bike out of the road and over the guardrail onto the bridge for him.

What happens when we become those higher dimensional beings ourselves? My mother was telling me what was going on in Wisconsin and it’s like that world literally does not exist anymore. It cannot exist here. This is not a parting of the veils where I like come down from the mountain to go shopping. This is a complete shifting and rift, and it’s like doing the splits over a growing chasm to maintain in both worlds. There will be a day coming soon, very soon in which I will no longer be able to operate in or communicate with that world of Koche brother and Walker regimes.

The eastern U. S. I feel like is one of the very darkest places in the universe right now.

Ponder. Ponder.

Churn Creek is becoming an anchor point, and as long as I stay near my watershed at least I will be able to feel a space in which I can be, however, this doesn’t really solve issues of navigation or interaction.

Like really, I want very badly to just have my work station show up in my home office right now, even though it’s sort of a mess left over from TFM.

Really, like I CAN’T drive my car on EARTH DAY, especially when it’s not raining.

Our IT guy is sick so, but after the pregnancy paranoia and knowing that I do have these stupid girl problems tripping me up at least every 4 weeks, I probably need to figure out how to telecommute to this job. I do fear that knowing I can log in to our server will mean that I take work home and spend even more time being panicky.

We are growing onions, potatoes, and chives on the balcony now, but Jeremy put magnesium on the potatoes. It made me frown.


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