I remain convinced that the majority will not change until they are FORCED to.

I am feeling especially retarded at any attempts to still pretend to operate within the system. The pull away from doing pointless work within a system in which I have no faith is so strong, I really can no longer force myself to do anything that is not the foremost calling in my being. I am feeling very strongly to go off the grid or quit working. I am feeling the important and meaningful tasks are to grow food, exercise, be a homemaker, be a mother. I am perhaps questioning my intelligence, my sanity, and my views on gender roles.

Even so far as cultural resources go, yes protecting them is important, but the fact that their protection has to be legislated is asinine! What happens now if we lose our past? Are we bound to repeat it? In my story, my bloodline are the Keepers, the Storytellers, the Historians, the Guardians… well, so I really only see cultural resource management as a smaller part of overall resource management. The Sacramento and McCloud Rivers are growing in their draw. I feel spellbound into a new protector-ship. Above all, I must stay here.

Resource management is about the spirit of a place, about understanding that spirit so that any development is in harmony and synergy with the energy of the sacredness of space, of that place, but for a professional archaeologist to say something like that, at least while sober, is madness! I want to be valued outside of myself for what and whom I am, a Guardian and Keeper named Hope.


And if I am valued, I am certainly not feeling it. I feel alone and silenced, so if this be the delusion, I pray, take these fucking demons from me all ready! I need clarity and confidence! I truly feel I am an incompetent retard in your world.

How unfortunate it has been, to say you talk to plants. In the past it was only people who took drugs who could possibly understand that. I wish I could fault drugs for my trains of thought, but I’m pretty sure I was born with this altered consciousness.

I was thinking of how solar flares, solar quakes, all these activities that happen in the plasma of the sun, how they are like the frequency waves of sound transmitted through water or like some cosmic sacred geometry. What if, on some incomprehensible level, each of us as individuals are our own star?


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