Giving

Yesterday driving home I was especially feeling like I have nothing left to give. I want to help, but I feel like the weight of the tasks laid before me are of such enormous weight, that I have nothing left to offer. I think I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not that I expect someone to push me up the rest of the mountain to the summit, it’s just that this is the biggest damn mountain I’ve every tried to climb before and even resting up at 8,000 feet is not helping me refill my reserves. There are shredded shadow demons trying to induce fear and hopelessness to create suffering with what little energy they have left.”Shoo fly, don’t bother me.” I see heros past me by, in much better shape than me. People who had had support all along and never fought the battles I did to even be able to believe they could summit a small mountain. But most disconcerting of all are the writhing masses who can’t even seem to stand up and start putting one foot in front of the other. I may have left them behind, but I can still look down and see their suffering. Wayshower? Quite apparently that is not enough. It is a spiritual journey that must be made of freewill and there are so many lost. I’m not lost, I’m just exhausted, to  the core.

I have to call evil corporations today to whom I am merely a resource to be exploited for profit, not even a valued costumer. I have to call AAA about auto insurance. I just want to get a new price quote for moving. They will then try to get me to pay it all and sell me renters’ insurance on top of that. Insurance is evil. They fight tooth and nail to not pay out when you ever have a claim, and anyhow, it goes against my personal belief system. I only have auto insurance because a. you can hurt others with your motorized vehicle and b. it is required by law and c. if some dumbass hit me, I’d want them to to pay my medical bills and made sure I still had an operational vehicle.

Then I have to call Direct Loans and be like, “Um yeah, I am not working full-time anymore, I can’t give you $225 a month.” Somehow I think you still have to pay as though you were working full-time. Looking for work is not acceptable. Borrowing money might seem logical in theory, but in practice, it rarely works out. I would need to be making about $70K annually to be able to pay more than the interest on this shit. That’s only going to happen if there’s some kind of crazy hyper-inflation and then, well, I would need the extra money to pay bills. Totally hopeless. DO NOT BORROW MONEY TO GO TO SCHOOL!

I have to file my unemployment claim.

I have to go to the bank.

I have to balance my checkbooks.

I have to go back to Shasta College with the signed letter.

I have about 3 weeks to figure out how I am going to come up with a grand to be able to go to SAAs.

I feel like I am getting sick again, and we are once again nearly out of food. I think I probably still need to make something for breakfast besides a smoothie.

Dear universe, I need a comfortable bed to sleep in. It’s been nearly 2 years and my back is quite unhappy. (I have seriously considered not going to SAAs so that I could just buy us a new mattress.) I think the bed is useless. If it takes more than 20 minutes to pass out, there’s a problem with your sleeping surface. I can fall asleep on the couch, but I wake up with achy hips and a stiff neck. I imagine in summer I’m going to go camping as much as possible. Sleeping in a pine groove is a lot more comfortable than this shit.

Anyhow, the point is, is that I don’t really feel I’m being selfish saying I have nothing left to give. I am down on time and energy and maybe this stupid blog ranting is helpful to some people, but even a smile is difficult to conjure up these days.

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