What’s Been Going On?

Oh, oh, oh… ma goodness. Some Monday, last Monday I had a mental breakdown. Now I have a fire captain (he says he is not a fire captain, but the label “captain” works better in the telling of the story… fuels management and fire prevention? it gives me a happy glow like integrated resource management and habitat restoration. Whatever, you go out to fight wildfires with the Hot Shot crews… and you’re not a forestry technician in my book that makes you a fire captain and I am STILL waiting to get my red card… wondering what I am going to do for P.T. this winter if I am not in the mountains) from down in the valley. You can still see Mt. Shasta from Redding. The whole moving situation is up in the air. My roof is leaking. I want to be out of here ASAP after I am done working. There was snow in the field Tuesday. I got soaked. My rain pants are no longer waterproof. I need to take them back to R.E.I. in Sacramento. Ok. My boots are no longer waterproof. My space heater died. I made the man plastic the windows and bring up the baseboard heater from the basement.

It’s all crappy and rainy. I just want to stay in bed all day and try to work out the years of sexual frustration. He is intelligent, but I can tell he doesn’t have the discerning scientific mind I do. He put bath salts in the bath this morning and they made the water green because there was some sort of copper mineral in them, but if you put just a cupful of water and looking at it, there wasn’t enough to refract a green color. However I was holding it over the tub, and he was like, “But it’s green if you look straight down on it.” Oh no, that’s the bath water. He couldn’t figure out my ghetto stove either. Seriously, why am I paying $465 a month in rent again?

Somebody looks very happy to be an almost free man. But I just could not bring myself to write him. There’s the whole issue with her supreme demon spawness so even if he were to come back home, I still wouldn’t get to see my kid and I cannot afford to be a parent in any case. It’s not right for her to make me pay child support if he were living with me. Just because you went through pregnancy and labor, you’re not entitled to my wages, especially when I want him here. Ok.

But so what, what, what have I done!?! Not going to Morrison, leaving Mt. Shasta for anywhere but northern Colorado has really, really, really made things turn unexpectedly. Sometimes I want to vomit as my body, my physical need to be loved, to be warm, to be dry, to be fed, takes me far from the course that my rejected emotions would take me, but then, I am not wanted in West Tennessee, even if that’s where my heart is, even if those two… own me. I belong to them, but not the other way around. I also belong to this land, and the land claim is stronger by far than wishy-washy emotions. The land brings forth a king and there was something ancient in the claim by which he took me. There is no darkness, not even a blade dance, just practicality. Oh, but I forfeit the brilliance! I understand why it came to be at all, because this spring, it was a practicality, bringing him closer to that place he is going. Distance may make my heart grow founder, but boys… are looking for convenience. If I belong to this land, then it makes sense that I should belong to one who resides in this land, obviously. I can no more uproot my boys from their homeland than I can tear myself away from this place. But the homebrews, the disc jockeying, the installation of thermostats, the woodworking, hunting, baking, firefoxing, funkiness, snowboarding, adventuring… survival skills, sincerity, wildland fire fighting, and archaeology are only one slice of my pie. I need the music fixation and that thing, that telepathic mindmeld lovely sweet fuck whose very thoughts alone have brought me to my knees before. He’s not mad, but the supernova of the last week has surely sent up a shield against my disbursement throughout the galaxy. Thanks to the Google Skymap app, we now know that was not Jupiter.

I love you all, with all my heart. That’s how it’s like.

And the difference between boys and men… there comes a time when we all compromise, because practicality breaks us down into the dust. For now, for now, the eternal now. I cannot think of the future, or even of tomorrow.

He comes with an offering to the spring.

A wish,

A dream,

A prayer,

for joy

For purpose

a longing for fulfillment

All the naiads seem to have been forgotten

This holiness inherent

in a portal between worlds

But she is the first to sleepily break the surface

and finding sincerity in the gift

She lingers

In both of them

Awakening the ancient protocol

of balance

They signal acceptance of this bestowal

Know thyself…

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