Pumpkin Patch

We are running through frosty moonlit fields toward the cabin, but the he is there. This is an uncomfortable situation, I mean, there we all are again. I embrace nothing. I recede, but he gets close, too close. I feel his breath on my cheek, moist against the chill air of the first brush of winter. He is murmuring my name in my ear, intoxicated, caressing me with the intimate resonance of sound. I know our First Mate is just ahead of us, a shadow silhouetted in the moonlit field. The inexplicable attraction that has always been there is pouring through my being, more like a wave than a waterfall. All night their pheromones have been unconsciously lapping at my shore. Fear flashes through me because our movement is stopped in the frozen ghost yard of a pumpkin patch. We are the center of the universe and another love is a satellite orbiting our gravitational field. I grab a hold of his shoulder, for I find I can no longer stand on my own. The intensity of his eyes undo me, I close mine. Another part of me is taken in that moment, but I am ashamed of the response he evokes in me. How can you do this to us!?! As if there were blame to lay, and if there were, I would blame myself for being here at all, but there were some magic in those Missouri roads one fall, sunlight on brilliant leaves, the last warm day. Their energy was written on that wind and encoded in that light, and I knew from that moment, there was something here to find. I fall myself on my knees, sobbing, shaking on the frozen earth. This is my breaking point overcome with this tension built up over three years past. I can’t handle them both together. It overwhelms me, completely. Once upon a time I may have entertained other ideas about this situation. This one that I have become, this integrated madness, knows differently. Still sobs rack my body, but he is kneeling beside me, almost as though he were rocking me. I hear another voice and I am enveloped and protected from the cold between them. Forgiving myself. Knowing that is is okay to feel the way that I do. There is so much love here. For all my missed chances, for all the attempts to subvert my manifestations in the past several months, I cry, I cry. I only wanted to go home. I only wanted to find peace. I only wanted to love and be loved. I realize now that my home is where we carry this love, and right now, that is right here. When my tears have exhausted themselves, they help me up. There is a hushed and holy air between us, telepathically bonded, knowing this is beautiful beyond anything we’d yet dreamed. This moment is my moment. My gratitude is so immense I feel I will explode like some overripe milkweed pod, like a star about to go supernova. The tension, the pressure that has been riding me all this past time is lifted away. This is my grand entrance to the new world.

Here I see there is a kindness. Jealousy is banished from this is existence. The jealousy I feared they both would know. Love unbinds our wounds and floods them with light. I am confident now that I will be as accepting as they now are when the winds of change bring new love to share. I am surrounded by compassion. I want to be that one that can be loved, that is love. Oh how glad I am I never let this go, that I never turned my back or walked away from the truth I knew within me I love you both madly. Each for the perfection of harmonious energies against my own. The three of us together now can strike a brilliant cord and carry that light to share with others. It is in this symphony we have opened, that we walk the rest of the way to the cabin.

We have only just begun.

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