Big Changes

So it’s really true, at this point, he is coming, possibly in as little as two months. We’ll see. We have yet to buy the plane ticket.

Work has not been going well, in my opinion. I feel like I have backslid and I’m not even up to par with where I was a year ago. Clearly, something is wrong, to be adding experience and failing to apply that experience? I should have stayed here, no doubt, but I just feel like I am lacking something

We’ll see what happens in Eureka, but I am thinking about doing something different, even though I was convinced that this is what my whole life had been built around and was leading towards, maybe it was only the foundation for the next thing.

Suddenly I feel responsible for someone other than myself. I have to do better. I want him to be able to transition here, and if my life continues to be the chaos it has been, I refuse to drag him into this tornado.

There must be peace and serenity. It has been gone from me for nearly an entire year. I had a few peaks of fun and joy in July, but since I left Mt. Shasta, there has been this CONSTANT PRESSURE. Enough! If there is something I need to do, then let’s do it. Yet, it feels as though I were waiting, waiting, waiting on the rest of the world, on all of creation. Here I am, ready to go, the longer I am made to wait, the more uncomfortable I become. I do appreciate being here. I love my job, I think. I used to love my job, but maybe it was just being here and getting away from the Milwaukee mess and the people I was working with. It’s hard to work with someone so much younger than you that has it so much more together. It’s like a daily reminder that I am an immature flake and that I can no longer operate in that world.

I meet strangers and they are amazed at my experience, tell me I will have no problems, but I think, “How can that be? My life looks as though I were some alcoholic drug addict. The more I try to be responsible, the worse it gets. I’m trying to hold everything together with staples. I have no foundation and if I miss a step, spin, or turn, my house of cards comes crashing down.”

I have no excuses left to make, and yet, I cannot find the fault lies within me. I am doing everything exactly right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Why then am I miserable? Why then do I feel hopeless about the future? Why does happiness elude me?

It’s everyone else, no one in specific, but collectively.

I realize that my job right now feels pointless. I feel I need to be back working with children and doing habitat restoration, even wildland firefighting. Something that is more immediate. It’s kind of like a photo album. I feel like I am protecting photos or heirlooms, stuff, garbage and none of it matters, because we’re done, with it all. I had this dream before. The dream when I got to the point at which I had gathered all I could from archaeology. It has been a fruitful endeavor, but maybe, I will soon remember the other side of conservation and I think my experience and education and being in Humboldt could be the perfect combination to get me to the next step. Something along the lines of sustainable timber harvesting – using GIS to track different stands of different ages. Doing this here, possibly transferring to some work in South America at some point. If we lose any of these artifacts, so what? But if we lose even one more single virgin grove of redwoods…. Living systems take precedence over dead people’s garbage. Archaeology has been only about me understanding what life could be like in North America, trying to figure out where everything went wrong. I am still working on translating, but I think I have a good enough idea of the energies at play. I wish we could be like the French fur traders or Lewis and Clark in a 5-D contemporary sort of way. Even my idea of scientific observation is being shaken down. I imagine, if I were the first one here, well the first one reading and writing English, how would I describe this, so that people reading what I wrote, looking at my documentation, could know what it is that I am seeing? Now I wonder if it matters. Back east, do they need to know? If they needed to know, wouldn’t they have been called here too?

I think of Carter, how science and spirit go hand-in-hand, but feeling like he was the only other scientist I ever knew to not discount his spiritual experience of God. One can never out-weigh the other, but I am waiting for science to catch up. I am waiting to be validated. I am reliving the X-files mythology.

The faith of a tiny mustard seed can move mountains.

If I have seen far it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.

And I am in love, and he is coming home, and I somehow need to manifest that home in the next 2 months.

It is so amazing. And yet, it is all on me.

Every morning I see the star that is not a star and I ask for help. “Please help us,” I say. “Please help me to know what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I am lost. Help me find my way. Please let this work. Please let this be okay.”

No one else sees them, those stars that are far too bright to be any planet. They are here, not trapped in human shells. They are here among us and surely, that is a great blessing. Yet with all the blessings, why do I still feel that is it not enough. I wish to hold the future off. If there were only one mountain to climb but I’ve got a show kitchen full of projects on the burner and I have lost the dance between them.

In the stillness I find my brothers, and for a second there is just me smiling in the sunlight.

It all began with a smile brought forth from pure love.

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