What Am I Doing?


Why do I write anymore? Seriously. Everything changes so that everything I just wrote is completely irrelevant. Now my car is broke down and the 29th is the absolute soonest I can get it fixed. I wanted to go swimming today, but I’m stuck. I really feel I ought to be doing job applications or somehow manifesting winter digs, but…

I want to meet new people and make new friends, but I really think dating is out, because as I am looking for housing in Eureka/Arcata, I realize that there is potential for the words couple and boyfriend to come up. Now if someone can listen to my dumbass for over 2 hours when it’s 120 degrees and I am freaking out about my car/winter/money/work/life. Keeper, definitely keeper. I cannot go on “dates” and simultaneously be making preparations for Andy to join me out here.

I just feel like, other than my company, what could make anyone not in love with this land want to come here over Atlanta or Denver? But I will never go back to Atlanta and Denver is too, too expensive and the jobs pay for shit. Eureka has fewer jobs, but ugh!

Does it matter?

I’m tired of all the good being neutralized by so much bad. I WANT ECSTASY AGAIN! BLISS! Like, if I knew this moment were more than a moment and the peace would continue, it would be much more peaceful, but when nothing is certain, I find myself reverting to the past and clinging to moments in which I was more than content. My survival itself is going to require miracles, and happiness? ENORMOUS miracles, GARGANTUAN miracles.

Nothing makes sense.

But I think of him and low flames turn like white hot coals.


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