Belonging

You see love, it’s that I’ve lost my belonging. Once I felt you so graciously, kindly, gently sheltered my wounded heart. Did I fail to take care with your love for me, or was it merely a delusion that it ever existed at all? I am also so surprised when one I love cares for me. You have grown so distant that I begin to believe things you say are only echos of my own longing. I begin to believe you are only an apparition of my imagination. You consume all that is in me. I fall into myself. I reject the desire that once felt like an everlasting well-spring of joy. I tell myself you… even if you could feel the same… now is all that matters. How I once felt is a ghost image projected on a screen to haunt my dreams. Now is impossible. Where has the future gone? Now the future is only reflections of the past. You are like something I have always known, but forgotten. In your presence, I remember. With the distance, I forget. Why do you fail to convince me that you want me there? It is not time. I want you here. How can I leave home? How can I go into the vast dangerous unknown? How can I face a cold winter? Why am I so unsure of you? I have begun to doubt this love. Surely I loved you. Surely it was the greatest love I have known in this life. I left everything to come home. How could I leave home to come to you? Why do you continually challenge me, at once pushing me away while you test the temper of my faith in you? I want to let go. I only find myself adrift. The fear of risking everything, risking my own survival when there is a chance of your rejection. Tell me you will accept the light of my love! That I can be completely confident, and rest assured in the shelter of your longing.

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