Thoughts

If I get an associate’s in nursing, I can become an RN. It will not increase my pay, but it will mean more jobs I would be qualified for. This is not something I ever wanted to do, but I really like getting paychecks.

I have decided that my apparent accelerated aging is from Teagan’s absence and not from the lack of Clinique product. I cannot find happiness or stress to be a factor. I was stressed beyond imagination in Milwaukee and have generally been very happy here, but there must be something about being a mother that makes your skin look younger, and makes you willing to do shit you would never do if you were only looking out for yourself. I really want to stay in northern California. I am tired of waiting and waiting and waiting to get rehired with Mountain Heritage. Until I am actually doing something and getting paychecks, it doesn’t count in my book, or to my creditor’s. Yeah my boss rehired me, but the paperwork hasn’t gone through. Try that.

I am tired of feeling like a worthless fuck up and like anything I have to offer is not needed and not worthwhile. I want, I need, I deserve economic independence, as do we all. I can’t change the system. I have fought my entire life for things to work the right way, and still they continue to drag on, and in many cases have even spiraled further out of control. Just look at the food industry or healthcare. Becoming an RN would mean that I would be joining the enemy, western medicine. I would be participating in a system that I think has miserably failed, but I would be able to stay in the area. I would be able to have a permanent job. I would be able to have a family. I might even be able to make a dent in my debt by having a permanent job.

I love the adventure of archaeology, but without my debts being paid off, and without a permanent home base to operate from, moving every few months, living out of my car, not knowing whether or not I will have a job tomorrow is making me absolutely bonkers.

My only other option would appear to be the military, and as far as the work goes, would probably more fulfilling, and would definitely help my prospects with the Forest Service when I got done.

I am just not designed to operate in this system. I have tried changing the system. I’ve seen small changes in people greening themselves, food co-ops and rideshares popping up, but it really feels like it’s too little, too late. I have failed, once again. I thought last year I had escaped the slavery and was doing exactly what I wanted to do and was exactly where I wanted to be. Going to Kentucky was possibly the stupidest decision I have ever made. I thought working was better than unemployment. I thought being closer to family and to the man I love would be a good thing. Now I am isolated in the mountains and have not worked in nearly a month. Now I cannot get unemployment because I resigned. Yes, the air is cleaner here, the water is pure here, the food is more wholesome, but my heart aches and I am wounded. The time of suffering must stop! Enough is enough! I have paid my dues. Why is happiness fleeting while suffering endures?

Universe, I have begged for another way and no path has been illuminated. Time is quickly running out. Soon I will have no choice left but to sell myself back into the brainwashing slavery machine.

Every idea I’ve come up with this week has come to a dead end. Perhaps my time to go is approaching. Even Spirit binds me. “Wait,” is whispers, “wait.” So I continue to wait and wait and wait as spring becomes summer. Soon we will be back to cold and darkness. When will I have what is my right? When will people be able to eat food and drink water and breathe air that is more good than bad? What have I done so wrong?

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