I went to Redding today. The heat and sunshine felt so good and Shasta Lake looks amazing as does the still snow covered Mt. Shasta! Reading Denise LeFay’s post today, I did get to thinking of how every time I drove past Shasta Lake last year I thought, “Damn, that’s low. We need more rain and lots of snow this winter so that SoCal can use our water without the lake being so ridiculously low.” Now I know it’s a man-made lake, but lakes and dams I do feel can be part of a harmonious co-existence on the planet.

It was more humid and hazy than I would like. Also, I am still feeling very uncomfortable with no ties to past or future, not having any clue at all what is going to happen even tomorrow. It’s disconcerting to say the least. That, and I ache for missing my Tennessee boys. Last year it was Quinn and Teagan. Now I know that everyone is all right, and everyone is where they are supposed to be, but I still miss them. I still feel incomplete not being able to call up the Captain whenever the spirit strikes me. Sometimes I feel like it is all to strengthen our telepathic bond, and if I could convince myself this were real, our friendship continues quite well in the absence of daily communication.

I also feel certain that I will get to meet with Zakary, when the time is right.

I wonder about applying to the executive director position at the River Exchange. I do not feel I have the required experience. Before LBL, I thought I would be able to handle anything, especially if I were passionate about it, but now I have found that people and geography and politics can deter me greatly. Maybe this is not the right position, or the right time, but maybe it is just to clue me into my future potential involvement with the River Exchange. If I had more experience with water rights and laws in California and more experience grant writing, it would be the perfect job for me, well, almost perfect. The work is in alignment with my soul mission and my soul geography, but I doubt that I would get outside enough, although it’s only a 60% time job, so I would have my own time to do that. In my confusion I choose to retreat, regroup, lick my wounds, and pray for healing.

Right now I have a headache and am nauseous. I feel like it is taking most of my energy to maintain the golden grid. Something just continues to feel off. Synchronicities are of brief duration. I am lost in time. I feel abandoned, although it was I who left some of those I feel abandoned by, but I do seem to be smelling better.

One thing I do know, Mt. Shasta is going to remain dormant for some time to come. Just like the New Madrid fault, not on my watch chica. I am really trying that whole ignoring negative statement thing. I just needed to edit this to be pro-dormant, instead of, well, you know…

Pro-abundance, pro-employment, pro-health, pro-harmony, pro-balance, pro-healing… It’s getting rough. I want to feel energetic, motivated, completely blessed, loved, wanted, desired for who I AM and for what I envision and for what I create and dream to create. I want to stay and be in the affirmative. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to have some certainty and clarity about tomorrow? about next season? to know? To anticipate and expect change and the ability to adapt perfectly and synchronistically to those changes?


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