Cedar Wireless

So the morse code is long-short-long-long, the letter Y. Why what? Why? It’s like a distressful feeling, like the trees and I don’t know yet if we will be the first star city or the last thing standing. Y, then K. I’m supposed to reverse Kentucky? Get some lube? Man, I don’t like where this train of free thought is taking me. Reversing the KY would make me think I’m supposed to bend over and take it in the ass, which would then make me figure that going to Alaska is a good idea. Or maybe that’s what Kentucky was about?

Before attempting to go to bed the first time, I was thinking part of the polarity dissolution was about not needing anyone else, being able to take care of oneself. Even before that this evening after psycho lady called and I was like oh eew another hopeless co-dependent, get away! I was thinking about having to be very careful to not be drunk in the company of males. To not be alone with males is a bit too ridiculous because nearly all of my friends are male, and only a few of them are gay, but that I must avoid it at all costs because I am the only one responsible for me now. The Captain will not claim me and does not want me. I find this hard to come to terms with, but in the present moment, it is what I understand to be true. And even if he were to claim me, things don’t work that way anymore. Never again will I know the comfort and safety of a protector. Perhaps this was his only lesson to me, and one I have not fully integrated yet. It saddens me deeply, for I crave the sensation of giving up control to a man I trust. So I brace myself into the yoke to bear the burden of taking it all on, knowing there will never be another to lose myself in.

But why does he do this to me!?! I can barely remember when we met. It wasn’t like this. I was just acutely aware of him. His voice would carry over all of the others and when he stood close to me, this thing would happen, like the air between us would hum hum. Like the ether became transfixed somehow. But I started it, or I continued it. Before he went back home I asked for his number the night he left, sad to see him go, thinking that I might try to visit if ever I went to North Carolina. And then I didn’t think much of it until I was getting ready to leave for Austin 4 months later. And last summer… what happened? And now it is like he is always with me, in my head and to be in his presence I am utterly overcome by it. I cannot help but kneel before him. Is this from previous training? Why does he command that response so strongly from me? I don’t think he truly understands what he does to me. The old me wants to retreat, wants to think the worst because I love him so I want to avoid the inevitable rejection. If the love burns brighter, then the pain will surely hurt more, but then I am like, things don’t work that way anymore. They don’t, I insist. And he is with me.

Probably now is a good time to talk to Matt. A lot lately he’s been saying… but what can I do? Your on your own now.

Now we have Y K D E E?.

Why Katie? Why Kadie?


1 Comment

  1. nadeanna said,

    June 9, 2010 at 9:26 AM

    And Matt, if I knew why, don’t you think it would be easier to fix?

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