Still Sinking

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! REALLY, IN 2 WEEKS YOU CAN IGNORE YOUR EMAIL AND VOICEMAIL AFTER YOU PASSED THE BUCK THREE WEEKS AGO BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT AND YOU DON’T REALIZE THAT MY FUCKING LIFE IS HANGING IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BALANCE? WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SUFFER BY DOING HOURS UPON HOURS OF POINTLESS JOB APPLICATIONS FOR JOBS I DON’T REALLY WANT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE?

Obviously I have screwed up. Obviously going to Kentucky was the WORST thing I could have possibly ever done. Now there is someone constantly badmouthing me and she will continue to do it until she dies. I have to deal with that bullshit. What did I do wrong to fall so far out of grace, so far out of F.L.O.W.? I am bitter, frustrated, powerless.

I WANT TO STAY HERE!!!!! UNIVERSE, HERE! I AM TIRED OF LIVING IN POVERTY. I AM TIRED OF NOT KNOWING MY FUTURE. I AM TIRED OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE BEING THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND OUT OF CONTACT. I AM TIRED OF WALKING AROUND EVERYDAY WITH THE THREAT OF IT BEING MY LAST DAY WITH A MEAL, MY LAST DAY WITH A SHOWER, MY LAST DAY WITH MORE THAN THE CLOTHES ON MY BACK, MY LAST DAY WITH A WARM/DRY PLACE TO SLEEP. I AM TIRED OF IT! I MAY NOT BE THE HARDEST WORKER I KNOW, BUT I HAVE DONE SO SO MUCH MORE AND BEEN THROUGH SO SO MUCH MORE THAN SO SO MANY PEOPLE AND STILL I AM ON THE BOTTOM OF THE HEAP. I DESERVE PEACE. I DESERVE BALANCE. I DESERVE HARMONY AND YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE IT OR I AM GOING TO TAKE WHAT’S MINE, WHAT IS EVERYONE’S DIVINE RIGHT. THE WAR IS OVER. THE SUFFERING IS OVER. ENOUGH IS A FUCKING NOUGH! CAPECHE?

I HAD BETTER FUCKING GET A FUCKING PHONE CALL BY THE TIME I AM OUT OF THE BATH, OR FUCKING ELSE! I’VE ASKED NICELY, AND I WILL NOT WAIT ANYMORE, BECAUSE IT’S BEEN OVER A WEEK, AND WE ARE PLAYING ON MY TIME, NOT YOURS.

If you won’t play by the rules, I refuse to participate. It’s that simple. I am done, so fucking done with this deadworld bullshit that I would rather die from hypothermia, dehydration, or starvation than destroy my spirit groveling for a job. I would rather lose every last thing in my possession than be enslaved to the man. I’m not doing anymore job applications, because I don’t want those jobs. I get the job I was supposed to have, I go to Alaska, or I wait until something better comes along. The way things are looking now, it’s a guarantee that I will be homeless again July 25th, lose everything I own, and permanently destroy my credit. There’s barely more than 3 weeks left for something to happen. It ain’t happened yet, it ain’t seeming likely to happen. Each day that passes is a nail in my coffin. This is the end of all hope.

But I did dream about my angel. It makes me want to do nothing but sleep. I dreamed that there was a band called Hot Fuss, after the Killers album, but that I couldn’t stick around for their show. I was talking to some guy that had all this fake money. It was apparently part of a promotions gig he was doing for another bar. This bar was like a barn and they had barn animals on the way to the bathroom: chickens and rabbits. I had eaten fresh rabbit something or other and out back where cows and whatnots. I dreamed about Roe Avenue and someone had a baby and then twin babies just born. They were related to my sister and I somehow, but it was no one I knew. The mother had dark hair and was overweight. The father also had dark hair and was on the smaIlish side. There was something about parking the Focus on Roe Avenue and at this farm bar and about the Schwinn.

I feel like I am balancing on a wire waiting for someone to blow my head off. Yesterday I felt like a gibbon who has one arm on the branch behind and is grasping for the branch ahead but hasn’t gotten ahold of it yet. Unlike everyone else, I have no safety net. There is just me, me alone. There might be a few friends that would give me a spot of the floor to sleep or their table scraps, but no one to help me actually have a life. I have clearly screwed that up beyond any hope of salvation.

Yesterday

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