Courage

Since re-settling in Dunsmuir I’ve seen bunches of eagles, jays, and ants. I can see the ants from my bathroom window. I love to watch the sun and moon go round the windows. There are some bees and moths and spiders as well. The dark side of nature is retreated, under control, and in harmony. I clipped some cedar yesterday that was blocking the path to the doorway, so now I have cedar boughs on the window sills. I’ll probably shave the bark some later to release the oils. I love the way it smells. There are cedar trees right in front of both north facing windows.

I painted mandalas on the windows in the middle room yesterday. I’m not quite ready to call it the studio yet. I did work on the turtle drawing for a bit yesterday, but then it got dark. I started watching a movie and Liz called. When I go out later, maybe tomorrow, I will gather some sage to dry and burn. I feel very safe here.

I clipped some of the roses this morning, but did not get to the electric trimmer. I was intimidated by it. I think I am ready to try it.

It has been good to have time off, to relax, reground, reintegrate, resettle, and reorganize. I still have some clothes to unpack and boxes to put up, and I wanted to clean all my make-up brushes, but today and yesterday I have felt very lazy and just wanted to stay in and play music, watch movies, read books, and generally potter around. The house is very beautiful, if old. I love the old fixtures and the high ceilings. It truly feels like something out of a dream. It’s another one of those I-know-I-dreamed-this-as-a-child-I’m-exactly-where-I’m-supposed-to-be-right-now things.

My lotus heart is unfolding in a maybe not-so-surprising by this point fashion, a deep, golden, earthy, abiding, peaceful feeling intermingled with this longing for him to be here with me, not right this moment, because I need time alone to heal from being in Kentucky, but soon, soon. The question becomes not does he really want me, but does he really want to leave? I am happy that he sees how much happier I am to be home. How the peace does fill me and my cup runneth over.

I am sad that my Captain is lost. Other times I have thought he was charting a new course, with grander plans in mind, but now I worry that he has given up the maps entirely. I feel he is either ready to leave us, leave his physical body, or that he has succumbed to some other entities. I feel that it is a combination of both. It only takes a moment. I say look love, I’ve been here this time for a reason. Never doubt I love you, never. It hurts me so much that you don’t believe me, and that you no longer accept it, and that you will never leave to come be here, and I have no plans to leave here permanently. This is the place I will always come back to now.

These once alien forests are the salve to my long wounded soul. These pure running mountain waters rebalance the ache in me immediately. Mt. Shasta drives away the ones who would cause me greatest harm. Here I am safe in the mother’s arms. No matter what other journeys and missions I may choose to accept henceforth, and I feel like if Kentucky was more than planting seeds, I surely failed. I suppose I will learn how to make longer forays out, but it is wonderful indeed to be able to return to dream in the lap of the Goddess.

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