Calm Thyself

I did good. I found a place to live. When the owner was showing me around, we’re standing in her kitchen, she’s asking me how I take my coffee. +click click click+ This seems like a dream I had last summer that I told to Frisky or Esther or the Captain. It feels and tastes and sounds incredibly familiar. It seems like the right thing to do, to get this place.

But today, in spite of intermittent sunshine, my brow is furrowed in worry. What am I supposed to do if my appointment doesn’t go through? And it feels like everyone is breathing down my neck and judging me for taking risks, for not waiting for a sure thing. (waiting where exactly?) I thought I’d been doing a very good job figuring out how to get all this stuff in my car, get out here safely, have a place to crash while I found a place to live, finding a place to live, working on unpacking and changing my address with everyone, I even made some phone calls today to check on other possible employment options since going to Kentucky just fucked my world. In fact, I even got a call back from the Modoc that they might be looking for someone in mid-August.

I am feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I mean really, it’s okay that it’s not straightened out yet, because I don’t have all of my stuff taken care of yet. I’m not ready to work yet. I only managed to get so far today. I think I am going to skip buying a bed today and just… well, I should get going anyhow. More later.

People never want to be friends when you are trying to stay in the high heart and they never want to be friends when you are trying to disentangle from black goo. It’s only when you are light as a feather and don’t present a single challenge that they desire your company. I want someone to shelter the naiad and someone to appreciate the jaguar.

It’s all good when you just do your own thing.


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