I Get All Giddy

I get all giddy, and then the bottom drops out and I am homesick. Everything seems fine as long as I am moving, but this requires much effort to find the motivation to go out into the bug infested briars. Then it requires further motivation to sing and dance in the forest.

Once again I am sitting on the crest of the seeking wave. I dreamed about giant waves last night, not tsunamis but 30-40 foot waves, completely erratic. This worries me.

I do not know how to give up my son, but his mother is evil and fills my heart with anger, frustration, despair, and murderous thoughts. She is the blackest of blacks and the dark bile of hatred.

I do not know how to connect here. I suppose, it’s just that most everyone is shallow and distracted, but I still want to go home. Everything just sort of naturally reharmonizes there. There are moments when I could kick myself for leaving.

I asked for a new protector last night and was told, “Baby girl, you’ve got to do this on your own now. You completed your mission, from here on out, it’s your trip.” Great. So I cried to Matt. He said he would be here, always.

“Always?” I asked.

“Always,” he replied.

“Man, how did you commit yourself to that?”

He smiled and shrugged. Don’t belittle your wonder, he seemed to think at me.

I am feeling uninspired at the moment, tangled in love, unwittingly attracting lust, evading snares of darkness and drama laid as waiting traps for me, while navigating the chaos of increasing velocity and willing emergent forms out of it. Sun naps seem impractical here. You will awaken with ticks and snakes all over. There are no good windows in this trailer to provide an indoor sun nap.

Well, Mr. Watkins, looks like it’s just you and me for a long haul here, let’s figure this sun nap thing out.


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