Still on the Battlefield

I struggle still with this. Longing to let go. Longing to admit I was mistaken, or that I can be okay with things always being this way, but Spirit won’t let me. For once, letting go, peace is not the aim of F.L.O.W. It is within the mirror of self-discovery that I must battle for a new unfoldment. It’s digging in for the long haul. Going the 14th mile when your legs are jelly. Buttoning up and tying down for the winds of change. I dare you, to take me on. I dare you. Breathing gentle healing into wounds. I am strong. Practicing patience.

But the old me is screaming, “No!” The old me, the pre-California, pre-frontier me is shouting, begging, crying for a path of less resistance. In the past things that were as they should be just fell into place. It seems counter intuitive to me to fight. Flight would be a better remedy. Sitting on my ass, ain’t no move at all.

And in my core is the Fuck this! I just want to go home! With home apparently now being Mt. Shasta. I cannot make anyone else’s choices for them, and hasn’t the window long since passed? Long, long since passed. Why should I feel guilty for attempting to escape this? Or at least hold the ache at bay? I am beginning to slip into the old patterns of hating myself for any attachment at all. I am ruminating on the negative, clearly this is not going to work, but we already suspected that, so why am I angry and disappointed. Get over it, right? So I want to go home.

But underneath the plum tree last June is where this all began to take root. Why can’t I node here? This place is like kryptonite to me.

Well, now that I have bitched and moaned about how the land between the rivers is like the ghetto rejected Appalachia, I feel better and will try with concerted effort to ground down the Shasta vibe full time with sunshine and cut ups and random adventures through the forest, never forgetting who I am, even in the near absence of moving water. What do naiads from Neira do? They make western Kentucky into Neira, of course. And start from the similarities rather than bemoaning the lack of WONDER. They leave wonder in their footfalls. NODE IT! TRANSMISSION BEGINS! Breathing spring in the first frontier saloons while keeping an eye out for pirates and the siren call of the seductive intergalatic elementals. COME HOME! LET’S PLAY! RESTORATION AND INTEGRATION!

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