Goodness, Gracious, Honestly?

Last night I was thinking of how when Teagan was a baby, there was a soul waiting for me to become pregnant. Her name was Alana. Maybe it was Bella, and sometimes I am sad that Bella did not end up being my daughter. This soul waiting thing happened again when I was working in west-central Illinois. “Momma, why do you have to work so hard?

I think I’m about to go feral. This was my thought upon returning from Horse Linto and Oak Bottom before I found out about this job.

So I was thinking of what my luv said before I left Mt. Shasta. You sound like you need more time. I was thinking, I’d like to spread my seed...

What’s that supposed to mean? tears already pricking at my eyes. He explains literally, but never specifically in reference to me in this hypothetical situation. Oh, so you just don’t want to go run wild with me through the forest? Because I can’t stay HERE for much longer. You see at first I was very upset, because I’d thought that I’d already had that conversation. The little boy who I can’t take care of right now, even if he’s not mine, I still feel like he needs more than he is getting and I have no way to help, the previous miscarriages, and failed attempts with Teagan’s father to conceive. But after this weekend I am thinking, Me!?! Me!?! You meant me!?! Oh dear! Oh dear! Now? Soon? How could this ever, ever happen, let alone work if it did? But now I again I feel some soul drifting its finger to my heart. Momma, please? Soon? I love you both so much. And ack! God, I am terrified. I am terrified. I am activated to barely sleeping the past 4 nights. It’s been since the heat wave in July that I have slept so little. See, I knew I needed to rest this winter. I am so glad I took the opportunity to do so. I was also thinking about Scott talking about sailing when I was stressing over grad school one time. He said, “You can do anything for 3 months.” Yes, if you have adequate time to recover afterward. Terrified, and giddy, and excited, and blessed, and astounded, and nauseous.

But the sort of lucid, easy reading mood I’ve been in, the signs stack up and cannot reasonably be ignored. It’s as transparent as the food thing that keeps popping up, and just as distracting too.

I drove south on the Trace today. Spirit said so and my, how the ancestors haunt the road among the whitetail deer. The same whispers in me, whispers from my grandfather, whispers from across the sea, whispers that were shared as twinkles in the eye, the breath of spring, the music emanating from the daffodils. OH MY GOD SWEET SHIVA LORD AND MASTER! Inexplicable and utterly unexplainable this magic. It’s a rush 100 Xx more potent then looking down the slope as you ease your snowboard into glide mode. Can I push the terror aside for long enough to gain control, to experience something that “will be so worth it?”

It’s all been SO PERFECT leading up to this. EXACTLY PERFECT. Even when it sucked, there was so much FABULOUS and now I am standing at the top of the slope, wondering if I have practiced enough for my ‘muscles’ to KNOW how to carry me, if I am strong enough and brave enough for the WOW. Yes, I can do this. I am not afraid to fall.

Hello new world. Welcome mystery child. And western Kentucky and Tennessee, you better prepare thyself for some Chicago funk and Mt. Shasta manifestation.

Fuck, really? Wow. Just wow. This is how miracles happen. Who knew?

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