Enigma

Guess who I ‘talked’ to last night. These feelings do not translate. I am confused. At one moment feeling like he’s such an asshole to know how I love him and be telling me about his future children, he must’ve been very drunk that night I was crying on the phone. “That’s nice, but I really don’t think I can have kids of my own, and I’m too old for that now anyway.”

And later I write, “Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I think it’s a good idea if we have sex. That part of my life is pretty much over.” I never meant for it to be like this. It was only the light in your eyes luv, as though standing next to you were the center of all creation.

I’m the one who has withdrawn? My weak spirit can only tolerate so many ignored messages and unreturned phone calls. It doesn’t matter what I want. I could feel the separation last night, where it could have gone, but from the present moment of last night, I am alone, feral in the woods, with trees for companions. Daphne and Apollo… I am sick of the old stories, the old archetypes, the old paradigms, but then, who am I kidding? There never was a story to tell. It was only my dream. I’ve been dreaming in isolation from incarnate humans for months now.

On the other hand, I think he has no idea how deep this has run. There is a heavy, empty ache. I have nothing left to say, only loose ends and bits and pieces left to share. I put it all on the line and feel that it was worth so very little. Ignorantly cruel or wisely enlightened? Part of me wants to demand an answer. Part of me wants to walk away. I know it will be neither. I wonder why the one who has unlocked my heart has buried it so deeply. If you want me, just say it. I’ve only belonged to you for months now, but soon I may take myself back and never give myself away again. If you don’t, knowing that I do…. but of course it is my failure to believe that you do. That couldn’t be. It couldn’t possibly be me. If it is, you will have to tell me again and again.

Ahh, the mirrors! I’m nothing ’til you look at me.

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2 Comments

  1. Meredith said,

    February 22, 2010 at 5:31 PM

    ::hugs::

    “My weak spirit can only tolerate so many ignored messages and unreturned phone calls.”

    You are not weak. If he’s been ignoring your messages and phone calls, he’s not worth your time. You’re not past sex. You’re not old enough to be past sex. (I don’t think anyone really is. Maybe when it comes to hormones, but that could be fixable.) You are, however, wise enough to know when a guy’s not good for you and doesn’t care about your feelings. You deserve much better than that.

    * * *
    BTW, I added the chakra alignment track to I-Tunes and it seems I can send it via email. Hurrah for figuring things out.

    Naturally, I don’t have your address. But you have mine.

    You’d want to run a virus scan on the email before opening because I only have the free COMODO Internet Security and I don’t know if it picks up on everything.

    • nadeanna said,

      February 22, 2010 at 5:46 PM

      I figured out how to download them myself, so you don’t need to email them. I think I will make an acoustic healing playlist and go sit in the sun later. Joe left his truck here today and I don’t really know how to drive manual, so I can only go where I can walk or bike today.

      I think the above boy is trying to teach me something about collective love and I did ask him and the universe to teach me patience. I said this summer, “I am the most impatient person on the planet.” He is a great devic being, operating from a higher dimensional awareness than me. I rarely interact with his deadworld or even 3-D self. But here is where the greater issues lay.

      I am grow more and more certain everyday that I have moved beyond sex. I have most deeply regretted every encounter I’ve had since Ken.


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