I am very pleased with the Truth Soul Armour top I got Saturday. It looks great over my Ironclad cold gear compression top. I am dressed to go skiing. There is no update for the Nordic Center this morning. I assume they are open, but I don’t know if the new snow got groomed this morning or not. Guess I will go find out this afternoon. I think I am going to get the Forest Service computer set up on our Internet so I can check my Lotus Notes and pick out trainings I want to work on while I am on intermittent. I should go skiing now before it gets warmer. Spirit is just not excited about doing anything besides dancing. This is really perplexing me. I feel like I can’t be around people that are lower vibration. The whole ghost thing seems to be going on with everyone besides my roommie, my supervisor, my boss, Fidel, David, and my sister. This is also perplexing to me.

I actually talked to David about this today and sort of with Joe. I think it’s why I don’t want to go skiing. I am safe as long as I am not around other people, and obviously Joe and Leslie don’t upset me. Thank God for small miracles hey? But everyone else leaves me with that covered-in-crude oil feeling, to one degree or another. It’s black and icky! Get it off of me!  So like Jonathan is this amazing devic being of light, innocence and powerful randomness of Shiva dancing. He so gets it! But since whatever happened in August, I’m just kind of put off, and I almost feel that I won’t…. I mean, I definitely know I will not ever speak to him again unless he speaks to me first. I love him, but that blossoming has been perverted into some kind of heavy, empty ache. My fear? Or his? But it’s not like I haven’t been ripped and torn apart before, recently too. Would it even be a tragedy if I made no new friends? If I only interacted with Joe and Leslie? I feel like I am in a very delicate state, a very delicate situation. You cannot imagine how badly I want to go home to be with my “son” while I am not working, but I know that I do not have the capacity to remain unharmed by his mother’s toxicity, so I will stay here, where there is a volcano and forests to keep me safe. Teagan is the most senseless causality of this all. He is only 3 and already his smiles don’t seem as big. He seems “onto” his mother’s game and refuses to potty train. I hope that is all. I shudder to think of the verbal and psychological abuse he is subjected to when no one else is around. BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO! It seems harmless, but constantly calling a child naughty is detrimental to their development, especially in the absence of genuine praise and positive reinforcement. You know me, I’m the bullshit police here. I’m not going to say, “good job” if it ain’t a fucking good job, but, oh how lacking is integrity in this world! Um so, the point being, if one does not perceive me to exist, then to me, that person appears as an almost apparition, but it’s not that I have ascended into this new reality. The house is still perfectly real, but the house doesn’t need to perceive me. The house is a physical manifestation, not a dream entity. It was created by physical beings in the past. But me, I was dreamed into being on that devic Shiva dance level. So for me to be real, entities have to perceive me as real and as I spend more and more time here. It becomes more and more difficult for me to go there.

So Joel, who has stayed behind to protect the “sheep” from the “wolves” told me when I was pregnant the second time, that he couldn’t sense a lifeform in me, but a place. I am the motherfucking rapture. I am the portal to Neira. I am the fire among the dreamers. I feel no need to authenticate. It will happen as it happens, perfectly, synchronistically, organically, beautifully, and fuck all of you all who fail to perceive me. Why should I have to struggle to translate for you? Learn the language. I am taking a freaking vacation here. I need time to just be and get used to the weirdness.

I like the idea of the randomness, novelty, and chaos going on right now. I think, I think I know that I am more important than I ever could have dreamed to whatever it is we are trying to do here. And we’re failing pretty bad right now guys. The best part of my week was a sun nap. That was the pinnacle of my week. But I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. But there is no going back. It’s all on me now.

I have dishes and laundry to do and a million bullshit business typey things to take care of, which I would way rather ignore. I slept for 9 hours and took a bath this morning. It took me 2 and half hours to eat breakfast, take a bath, get dressed, and all that good stuff: teeth brushing, face stuff, pulling stray facial hairs that have been allowed to grow unimpeded for the past two weeks or so, trying to remove dead skin from my blisters still not healed from my 7+ mile concrete trek through Milwaukee and Shorewood over two months ago.

I am upset that Cuddl Duds does not make the brushed cotton tops I like. Fredrick’s of Hollywood no longer makes the cotton tank tops/undershirts I like. Under Amour doesn’t make the Heat Gear sports bras that I like or the Heat Gear built-in bra tanks that I got last summer.

Thumbs up to Soma for still making the boyshort panties. They seem the best for killer workouts. They wick sweat and don’t ride up and cause red-butt chaffing.

I really want to get my hair colored again. This dishwater blonde/red shit is not cool. I figured out that that is why my skin no longer looks glowey. It’s not the absence of a toddler, what I’m eating, the vitamins I’m taking, my face regime, or the amount and type of exercise I’m getting. It’s my hair color!

In any case, I am really grateful that I have vitamins at this point.

Someone put up all these pictures from old skool Midwest raves. I didn’t go through all the pictures to see if there were any of me. I didn’t really start going to them until ’99 or so, and for me, it was a now and then sort of thing, not an every weekend thing. It was funny to see the phat pants and the Ecko hoodies and all of that craziness.


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